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Radio-play Transcript
"Fool's Delight" show:
'The Mist: The Mighty
Wurlitzer'
Transcribed & Edited by
E.O.Costello
| Programme
Transcription: "Fool's Delight" First Series, Episode Three Broadcast 2030 local time, Monday 26 April 1937 [Musical Station Identification Tag] Walrus Greenslide: This is Radio L-Y-R-C, Casino Island. Neddie Seacoon: Accept no imitations, folks. The original is bad enough. Greenslide: Mr. Seacoon, please! Such disloyalty ill becomes you. Neddie: Nonsense, I can't be bought. Springbok: Yes. Someone got him for five bob last year, and the sale was final. Neddie: Lies, dear listeners, all lies! Sealers: Yes, it was two-and-six... Neddie: What-what-what-what-what? Greenslide: Mr. Seacoon, stop that ridiculous what-what-whatting, and take off that black cloak and fedora. Neddie: Come now, Wal, that's impossible. Greenslide: Why? Neddie (sniggering): Because I'm naked under my clothes. Minkie Bannister: Oooooooooh! You wicked, sinful raccoon, you. Greenslide: In all seriousness, Mr. Seacoon, why on earth are you wearing such a fantastic outfit? Neddie: If you'd been at rehearsal, mate, you'd know. Read the original steam-driven leather script you have in your flippers, Wal Greenslide: Very well. I say! The script directions call for organ music. Well, Mr. Stoat, you should supply some mysterious organ music, because tonight, we present... [Organ sting] Greenslide: ..."The Mist!" [Mournful, sinister organ music - "The Spinning Wheel"] Neddie (via masked microphone): WHO knows...what stupid...SKULKS in the skulls of furs...I, the Mist, know! [laughs in a sinister fashion, which is undermined by a coughing fit at the end] [Sinister effect with drum cymbal] Greenslide: We present, ladies and gentlefurs, our first episode of "The Mist." These stories have been designed to demonstrate to furs both old and young, that CRIME DOES NOT PAY! Major Bloodauk: Neither does working for LYRC. Greenslide: Shhhh. [More organ music] Greenslide: The Mist single-pawedly battles the forces of crime and corruption, with his sensational mental powers, which allow him to walk about unseen... Springbok: With his height, that's no great feat... Greenslide: ...his name striking fear into the hearts of the underworld, as chilling as a night fog, as inevitable... Sealers: ...as a running gag... Greenslide: In reality, the Mist is... Neddie: ME, folks! [GRAMS: Brief cut of wild cheering] Neddie: Thankyew, thankyew. Send us letters. Greenslide: Ahem. In reality, the Mist is young Neddie Seacoon, wealthy raccoon about town, a fur of science and culture. While traveling in the Orient, Neddie learned a strange and mysterious secret. Neddie: Wasabi is NOT the same thing as green tea ice cream. Greenslide: He learned the mystical secret of mental powers that granted him the ability to not be visible to others... Sealers: When you're that short, you're invisible to everyone. Neddie: What-what-what? Greenslide: ...he uses these powers to fight crime, with techniques that we hope someday will never be used by law enforcement. Seacoon is aided in his fight by his constant companion and assistant, the lovely Minkie Bannister. [Brief bit of saxaphone playing] Minkie Bannister: The starrrrrs, are gonna twinkle and shine...buddie...this eeeevening, about a quarter to nine... [More saxphone playing] [GRAMS: sound of mustelid bonce being hit] Minkie: Ow! Greenslide: Tonight's story... Bloodauk: "The Mighty Wurlitzer!" Ohhhhhhhhh! [Organ sting, then moderately fast organ music] Hapless fur #1 (male) (humming to self): Hrmmmmm...hrmmm... [Rising organ music] HF #1: Eh? What's that? Good Lord! [Rising organ music] HF #1: Wait a minute! STOP! DON'T! YOU'RE...YOU'RE CRUSHING...AAAAAGGGHHHHH! [Eerily triumphant organ music] Hapless fur #2 (female): Dear, dear, dear me. What on earth? Who has been tracking stale popcorn and butter into the house... [Rising organ music] Hapless fur#2: Oh, now! Wipe your feet, wipe your...wait a minute...where *are* your...no...no!...NOOO!!! DON'T....AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH! [Eerily triumphant organ music again] Greenslide: Good evening, and here is the nine o'clock news from LYRC, the radio station of the Spontoon Mirror. Death, death, sex, blood, death, sex, sports, blood and, finally, sex. [Rising organ music] Greenslide: And in lighter news, two furs have been found mysteriously crushed to death, and...wait a minute...what are you...? Hang on. No....NO...NO! Put down that...AAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! [Eerily triumphant organ music, yet again] Sealers: We interrupt the LYRC nine o'clock news to request a janitor, a mop and a large bucket to clean up a very large mess in the LYRC studios, caused by three thousand boxes of Jujubes falling on the bonce of Walrus Greenslide... [GRAMS: Sound of radio being switched off] Neddie: Gads. What a tragedy! What a waste? Minkie: You...you mean what happened to Mr. Greenslide and the others? Neddie: No, three thousand boxes of Jujubes. Mmmmmm, teeth-gumming goodness. Minkie: Oooohhhh, ohhhhh, it's a pity. You can't...you can't get the Jujubes, you know. Neddie: Well, here I am, a wealthy young raccoon about town with a taste for solving crimes, and I have nothing to do tonight. Minkie: You don't, buddie? Neddie: No, it's Monday night, and LYRC is broadcasting nothing but rubbish, anyway. I say, here's a bit of innocent fun. Minkie, what do you say we solve a few mysterious, horrifying murders in a possibly life-threatening manner? Minkie: Ohh..oohhh, well. I'd better put the dinner in the oven, shouldn't I? Neddie: Yes, yes you should. And then, we should have a chat with...Detective Inspector Bloodauk! [Bloodauk theme] [GRAMS: Sound of repeated and rapid explosions] Bloodauk: Ohhhh! Aaaaaargh! [GRAMS: More repeated and rapid explosions, with some whistling] Bloodauk: Aaaaaa! Aaaaaaa! [GRAMS: Further explosions, which cut off suddenly] Bloodauk: Ooooooh, ooooooh. Oh, what on earth are they putting in the minestrone at Luchow's, these days? Never again, d'ye hear, never... [GRAMS: Sound of knocking on door] Bloodauk: Aaaaaaaah! Go away! Go away! Neddie (slightly off-mike): It's me, Inspector! Neddie Seacoon, wealthy young fur about town and amateur solver of baffling crimes. [GRAMS: Brief snatch of loud cheering] Milligan: (sound of juicy razzberry) Neddie: Ah, my public. How they adore me. Milligan: (sound of juicy razzberry) Neddie (giggling): Here, don't pad your part, mate. Bloodauk: If you don't get out of my boudoir, sir, I shall scream for the police! Neddie: But you are the police. Bloodauk: Well, I shan't have to scream very loudly, then, will I? Neddie: I've come to offer my services, Inspector, to solve the baffling murders that have just taken place. Bloodauk: What baffling murders? Neddie: Why...the murders that took place earlier today. Bloodauk: Where'd you hear about this? Neddie: LYRC, it was on the nine o'clock news. Bloodauk: Oh, heavens, you can't believe any of the rubbish they'll broadcast. Nothing but death, death, sex, blood, death, sex, sports, blood and, finally, sex. Neddie: What, too much sex? Bloodauk: No, not nearly enough. Neddie: Listen, I assure you, there have been two horrible murders committed tonight. Bloodauk: You seem to know a lot about these murders. Minkie: Murders? Murders?! Ooooohhhhh, we'll all be murdered in our beds! Bloodauk: What? When?! Good heveans, I must take precautions... [GRAMS: Telephone being picked up, and hook jiggled] Bloodauk: Hello? Hello?! Yes, please connect me at once with Inspector Bloodauk at Constabulary Headquarters... [GRAMS: Telephone ringing, telephone being picked up.] Bloodauk: Hello, hello? Is this Inspector Bloodauk? Hello? Hello?!? [GRAMS: Telephone being slammed down] Bloodauk: Great Scott, it's worse than I feared. They've gotten old Bloodauk right at Constabulary Headquarters. Neddie: But that's impossible. He's alive. Bloodauk: And howwwwwww d'ye know that, sir? Neddie: He's talking to me right now. Bloodauk: Oooooh, is he? Wellllll, we'll make an example of him. Filing false reports of murder with the Constabulary. Inspector Dennis Bloodauk, I arrest you in the name of the law! [GRAMS: Sound of punch] Bloodauk: Ooooh, resisting arrest, eh? Well, take that! [GRAMS: Sound of fight, with punches, kicks, and smashing furniture] Minkie: Well, it could be worse. Imagine if that had been Sergeant Brush. Neddie: Come, Minkie. It's obvious we're going to get nothing in the way of official help on this case. It's time for us to visit...THE SCENE OF THE CRIME!!! [Sinister organ music] Greenslide: We now continue with "The Mist," part II. Listeners may be wondering how I am giving this announcement after being crushed by three thousand boxes of Jujubes. The magic of radio, dear listeners. It's all in the mind, you know. Minkie: Oooh. Ooooh! Look there, buddie. It's...it's a chalk outline. [Sinister organ music] Neddie: Yes, dear listeners, my intrepid companion Minkie Bannister had put her paw right on it. Minkie: No, I didn't. It's all sticky with melted butter, eccccch. Neddie: It was true. There was an uncanny smell of...salt and melted butter. In fact, the floor was sticky with it. At least, I hoped it was salt and melted butter. And there was another thing... [Sinister organ music] Neddie: ...every time Minkie and I discovered a clew, we had the uncanny sensation of hearing...sinister organ music. [Organ playing "Tea for Two" in a bright, cheery fashion] Neddie: It was much the same at the other crime scene. There was another chalk outline. What do you make of it, Minkie? Minkie: Well...if I add a few squares, buddie, we could play Deadbox. Neddie: There was more, dear listeners. Within the outline of the body on the floor there was... [Sinister organ music] Neddie: ...a crushed Milky Way bar. What did it mean? Minkie: It's true that chocolate's bad for you? Neddie: I was mulling over this piece of evidence, when all of the sudden... [Sinister organ chord] Neddie: ...out of the darkness and shadows... [Sinister organ chord] Neddie: ...a sinister figure slinked out, and addressed us in a cold, cruel voice. Eggles: Ah-LO! Neddie: Eggles! What are you doing here? Eggles: I...uh...well [smacks beak]...I'm sorta a witness, you know. Neddie: A witness? Did you hear that, Minkie? Minkie: How could I? I was playing Eggles. Neddie: Drat these sinister LYRC budgets. Eggles, can you tell us what you saw? Eggles: Hmmmm. Hmmmmm. Hmmmmmm! Ummmmm, nope. Neddie: No? Eggles: Nope. Neddie: Why can't you? Are you holding something back? Eggles: Nope. Neddie: Are you scared? Is your life in danger? Eggles: Nope. Neddie: Are you looking for a bribe? Eggles: Nope. I've already got a Milky Way bar. Neddie: Then, for heaven's sake, why can't you tell us what you saw?! Eggles: 'cause I saw nothin'. Neddie: Well, if you didn't see anything, how come you're a witness? Eggles: 'cause I saw nothin'. Neddie: You're a witness, and you saw nothing? Eggles: Yup, that's right, I saw nothing. Neddie: But you're a witness. Eggles: Yup. Neddie: And you saw nothing. Eggles: Yup. Neddie: Then what, of any importance to this case, can you give me? Eggles: Two things. Neddie: Two things? Eggles: Yup. Neddie: What's that? Eggles: Nothing. Neddie: I *see*. And what's the other thing? Eggles: Wanna slightly crushed Milky War bar? [Sinister organ music] Neddie: I slunk away, my head hurting. Minkie, that fur was playing dumb. Minkie: I don't think so, buddie. Neddie: You don't? Minkie: It's real. Neddie: Nevertheless, Minkie, Eggles is clearly hiding something. I think it's time our friend had a visit from...the Mist! To set the appropriate mood, Max Gelding, play something very mysterious-y and slightly sinister, while I head back for a fortifying dash of brandy. [GRAMS: Mass shuffling of footpads.] [Musical interlude: Max Gelding plays the harmonica with Wally Stoat's orchestra. The song is "Mysterious Mose."] Greenslide: We now take you to "The Mist!" part III. Listeners may well wonder why Mr. Seacoon and Miss Bannister did not visit the scene where I met mayhem under a pile of three thousand boxes of Jujubes. It's LYRC policy to keep Mr. Seacoon as much as possible out of the LYRC studios. Dashed clever, don't you think? Neddie: Dear listeners, I was on the trail of a horrible fiend responsible for the murders of two innocent furs...and an LYRC announcer. My investigation was getting nowhere, so I decided to visit the one fur who might have a clew to solve the mystery. But in order to get this clue, I needed to visit him as...The Mist! [laughs in sinister fashion, has to cough at end.] [Dramatic organ chord] Eggles: Ummm, ummm-de-dum-dum... Neddie (masked mike): Eggles! Eggles: Whuh? Neddie (masked mike): Eggles! It is I, The Mist! Eggles: Aaaaaah-LO! How...how come ya sound so funny. Neddie (masked mike): Masked mike, you twit. Eggles: I thought your name was Neddie. Neddie: Shut up, Eggles. Eggles: Shut up, Eggles. Neddie/Eggles: Shut...shut...shut UP. Eggles: Eggles, shut up. Neddie: Now listen, I've come to see you, even though you cannot see me. I'm hidden in the mist... Minkie: Whoooooooo! Neddie: Oooops! Heh, heh. Sorry. I mean to say, I speak to you, Eggles, from the shadows. Eggles: No, you ain't. I can see you. Neddie: No, you cant. Eggles: Sure I can, you're right over dere, in the big black hat, an' with the looooong black cloak. Ya look like an eight ball. Neddie: Don't be ridiculous, Eggles. I've clouded your mind so that you cannot see me. Eggles: Hmmm. The joke's on him, folks! I ain't gotta mind! [laughs] Neddie: Oh, for heaven's---listen, Eggles, I'm trying to solve two horrible crimes. First, there was a terrible murder, and then... Eggles: Someone stole three thousand boxes of Jububes? Neddie: Never mind the Jububes... Eggles: What about the crushed Milky Way bar? Neddie (exasperated): Never mind the crushed Milky Way bar. Eggles: Good, 'cause I ate it. Neddie: Listen, Eggles, I want you to tell me exactly what you saw. Eggles: I saw nothin'. Neddie: Don't start that again. Eggles: But I did! Neddie: You saw something?! Eggles: Yup. Neddie: What did you see? Eggles: Nothin'. A whole lotta nothin'. Ever see a whole lotta nothin'? There's a lotta nothin' around here. The Spontoons are full of it. Neddie: Don't let the Ministry of Tourism hear that. Eggles: Anyway, I heard somethin'. Neddie (excitedly): You heard something?! Well, why didn't you tell me? Eggles: 'cause I didn't see it. Neddie: See what? Eggles: Nothin'. Neddie: Arrrgh. What did you hear, then? Eggles: Wellllllll. Lemme tellya. Just before...just before the lady was smooshed, I heard a big, nasty organ sound, like this... [Ominous organ music] Neddie: Like this? [Ominous organ music] Eggles: Say, that's pretty good. Have ya ever thought of goin' inta radio? Neddie: Never mind that. I'd only get hired by LYRC. If you call that radio. Eggles: I've heard it called lots of things. Neddie: Are you telling me, Eggles, that a large, sinister organ has something to do with the murders? Eggles: That depends. Neddie: On what? Eggles: LYRC got any censors? Neddie (giggles): I don't wish to know that. (recovers) I shall go, then, to visit an expert on large, sinister organs! Eggles (off-mike): Call for Mr. Winger. Neddie (giggles): Come, Miss Bannister! (giggles) Eggles (off-mike): All in good fun, folks. [GRAMS: Whoosh/rapid travel effects, two] [GRAMS: rapid knocking on door] Henry Crow: Eh? What? What...who is it, then? Neddie: It's the Mist! Henry Crow: Good heavens, the weather here in the Spontoons is getting friskier by the day. [GRAMS: rapid knocking on door] Henry Crow: Yes, what is it you want? Neddie (masked mike): I want to talk to you about a large, sinister organ! Henry Crow: Great heavens, man, isn't that rather personal? And what are you knocking with...no, wait, I'd rather not know. Come in. [GRAMS: door opening] Neddie (masked mike): Henry Crow, I have come to speak to you on an urgent matter. Henry Crow: Well, yes...of course, do sit down, Mr. Seacoon. Would you like a cup of tea? Neddie (masked mike): I...I am not Mr. Seacoon, I am...The Mist! [laughs in sinister fashion, has to cough at end] Henry Crow: Don't be silly. There aren't that many furs dressed up like eight balls here in the Spontoons. Neddie: Drat! Foiled by another fur lacking a mind to control. Henry Crow: Yes, well, you know, things get lost and such. Neddie: My constant companion, Minkie Bannister and I... Henry Crow: WHAT? Neddie: I said, my constant companion, Minkie Bannister... Henry Crow: MIN! Minkie: Oooooooooh! Henry Crow: MODERN-TYPE MINK! Minkie: Y-yes, buddie? Henry Crow: What are you doing, you brazen mustelid? Being seen about town with eight-balls wearing funny cloaks and hats... Minkie: Yes? Henry Crow: What are you trying to do, you Jezebel? What game are you playing? Minkie: Snooker? Henry Crow: Oh Min, Min, MIN! How could you do this to me? Minkie: It's your job, buddie. Henry Crow: My job? What about it? Minkie: Every...every day, it's nothing but gigantic organs this, and gigantic organs, that. Henry Crow: And what of it? Minkie: Size doesn't matter, you know. Neddie: Please, Mr. Crow. I need your help. Earlier this evening, a woman was killed by a large, sinister organ. Henry Crow: Oh? Did they get the smile off her face? Neddie: Right. I think we've taken that joke to its limit. Moving on to fresh page...hup! Reads line in urgent voice. Egad, can you tell me anything about an organ that might be connected with dark, sinister crimes? Henry Crow: Hmmmm? What's that? Oh! Oh, yes. Oh, my. There was...there was the Mighty Wurlitzer from the old Bijou Theatre, you know. Neddie: Yes-yes-yes-yes-YESSSS? Henry Crow: Please don't do that. Anyway, they brought this organ to me to be fixed. It was a terrible case, you know. All those silent horror pictures. It became a twisted organ, bent on evil. Neddie: How do you bend an organ on evil? Henry Crow: It's very difficult. They don't make evil like they used to. Minkie: It's horrible. All you can get is that cheap evil from Japan. Falls apart the first time you try to plot with it. Neddie: It sounds like our man...I mean, Wurlitzer. Can you describe him? I mean her? I mean it? Henry Crow: Well, it's about sixty feet tall, twelve feet wide, with very large brass pipes and a lot of keys and foot pedals. Neddie: Egad! That'll be hard to pick out of a crowd. Henry Crow: Yes, it's a very ordinary Wurlitzer, the kind you see walking the street every day. Oh! There's one thing about it... Neddie: What's that? Henry Crow: It has a taste for Milky Way bars. Neddie: Ah-HA! (chortles) I am starting to get an idea for a cunning plan on how to trap this fiendish Wurlitzer... [GRAMS: Short-wave radio effects] Neddie: Zounds! It's a call on my super-secret wireless frequency that only I, The Mist, use! This is The Mist! Go ahead! Ray Elkington (masked mike): Calling the Mist, this is Ray Elkington... Neddie: Go ahead, Elkington. Elkington (masked mike): There's been another Wurlitzer attack! Neddie: Heavens! Are you sure? Elkington (masked mike): There's a trail of Milky Way bars at the crime scene. And a few empty boxes of Jububes. Neddie: Well, then, Elkington. Sing your testimony to me, in the key of E! [laughs in sinister fashion, has to cough at end] Elkington (masked mike): Man, you should cut out them cigarettes. Okeh, boys...! [Musical interlude: The Ray Elkington Quartet strikes up "St. James Infirmiry Blues." Elkington sings the lyrics.] I went down to St. James Infirmary To see my baby there, She was lyin' on a long white table, So sweet, so cool, so fair. Went up to see the doctor, "She's very low," he said; Went back to see my baby Good God! She's lying there dead. I went down to old Joe's barroom, On the corner by the square They were serving the drinks as usual, And the usual crowd was there. On my left stood old Joe McKennedy, And his eyes were bloodshot red; He turned to the crowd around him, These are the words he said: Let her go, let her go, God bless her; Wherever she may be She may search the wide world over And never find a better man than me Oh, when I die, please bury me In my ten dollar Stetson hat; Put a twenty-dollar gold piece on my watch chain So my friends'll know I died standin' pat. Get six gamblers to carry my coffin Six chorus girls to sing me a song Put a twenty-piece jazz band on my tail gate To raise Hell as we go along Now that's the end of my story Let's have another round of booze And if anyone should ask you just tell them I've got the St. James Infirmary blues [Quartet finishes the music.] Greenslide: And now, what some over optimistic soul has labeled as the thrilling conclusion of "The Mist!" What rubbish. Neddie: Dear listeners, Minkie Bannister and I were hot on the trail of a murderous Wurlitzer theatre organ. Minkie: M-m-murderous, did you say? Neddie: Yes, a horrible contraption with blood-stained keys and a deep, booming, sinister chord... [Deep, booming, sinister organ chords, sounding like mocking laughter] Neddie: ...rather like that, actually. Minkie: I...I just remembered, buddie. I have some laundry in the oven. I have to go home and add some starch. Excuse me. [GRAMS: Whooshing sound indicating high-speed running.] Neddie: Well, so much for constant companions. Where, he asks rhetorically, can The Mist find a doughty companion to aid him in his battle against crime? Jaybottle: I hear you call, my capitaine! Enter Jaybottle, the young terror of evil-doers everywhere, peers out over long black cloak, actually mum's negligee nicked from her lingerie drawer. Waits for applause, collects not a sausinge. Neddie: Young Jaybottle, have you come to assist The Mist? Jaybottle: I have, my capitaine! I, Jaybottle, have taught myself mystic powers of mind control. I have the power to use hypnosis to place all furs under my will. Stares wild-eyed at audience. Doot-dooot-doooooooot! You will applaud Jaybottle and give him many sausages. Heeee! Neddie: Enough mugging for the audience, Jaybottle [giggles]. We must track down the Wurlitzer before it strikes again. Jaybottle: Behold! There is a trail of Jububes leading off in that direction, my capitaine! Picks up Jubube, but puts in pocket, so as not to spoil supper. If we follow the trail of the candies, weeeeee will surely find the nasty criminule. Or get a tummyache, whichever comes first. Neddie: A brilliant deduction, Jaybottle. Let us proceed...hence! [GRAMS: Two whooshes of fast movement.] [Slow, sinister organ chords that sound a bit like breathing in and out.] Neddie: Dear listeners, you cannot comprehend the sheer horror of what Jaybottle and I encountered as we turned the corner on the deserted street. There, standing before us, was a huge, hulking brute of a Wurlitzer organ, moving slowly along the street, its pedals slapping the pavement as its pipes rumbled ominiously. [GRAMS: Sound of metallic footsteps.] [Louder organ chords sounding like breathing.] Jaybottle: *ulp* Capitaine? Neddie: Yes, Jaybottle? Jaybottle: Cap-i-taine? Neddie: Yes-yes-yes? Jaybottle: What is it, that which is looming way over Jaybottle's rather small head at the moment? Neddie: It's a mighty Wurlitzer, Jaybottle, and one that will require every ounce of our cleverness and daring to overcome. What a machine. Look at those gleaming pipes, those flickering keys. [Organ plays a bit of Chopin's "Death March."] Jaybottle: Eee-hee. Capitaine? What is it that you expect of Jaybottle to do to this piano with the thyroid problem? Neddie: Why, I expect you to go up and subdue it. Jaybottle (aghast): Meeeeee? You mean, small innocent little Jaybottle? Small, innocent weak little Jaybottle who is probably up way past his bedtime? Neddie: Jaybottle, get a hold of yourself. Jaybottle: Mum says I'll go blind if I do that. Neddie: Not that way! Use your mystical powers of the mind to bring the Wurltizer under your will. Jaybottle: A battle of Jaybottle's brain against a huge Wurlitzer? Neddie: Yes! Jaybottle: I don't like this game. Can we go after a small flute, instead? Neddie: Go on, Jaybottle! It's seen you! [Ominous organ chords sounding like a growl.] [GRAMS: Slow thumping sounding like the Wurlitzer shambling forth.] Jaybottle (masked mike): Errrr. *ulp* Beware, naughty pipe organ! It is I, the mysterious and all powerful Jaybottle! Takes dramatic step forward, ruins effect by tripping over negligee, falls flat on face. Oooopsie! Now, then, you shall feel the effects of the power of Jaybottle's mind, as he becomes your master. Doooooot-dooooot-dooooooot! You are under my control. You are under my control. You are under my control. [GRAMS: Slow thumping sound, and then an ominous crunching sound] Neddie: You are under the pipe organ. Jaybottle (masked mike): You rotten swine, you! I have been deaded by the Mighty Wurlitzer! Look at me, stuck in the D-pipe... [Organ chords, sounding rather like blowing one's nose, once, twice, and three times.] [GRAMS: Rather liquid popping noise] Jaybottle: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! [GRAMS: Rather liquid splatting noise.] Jaybottle: Aaaaaaah, look at me! I have been Wurlitzered! Picks up slowly falling feathers, tucks away in small pillowcase for later reinsertion. I hate this rotten game, I do I do! Goes home on Public Works rubbish cart, resolves to listen to Jell-O programme instead of rotten crime show. [Ominous organ chords, sounding like sinister laughing.] Neddie (masked mike): So, you have dealt with my assistant, but you now must deal with The Mist! [Organ plays the traditional notes of "You're a Horse's Ass."] Neddie (masked mike): Very witty, but I have now cloaked myself in the mists, so that you cannot see me. [Organ effects sounding like a very juicy Bronx cheer] Neddie (masked mike): Do you think you can possibly get away with this? Do you? [GRAMS: Sound of large metal pipe being dropped with a loud clang.] Neddie (masked mike): OW! OW! OWWWWWWW! Pain, folks! OWWWWWW! [Organ effect of sinister laughter] [GRAMS: Very heavy whooshing sound.] Neddie (masked mike): Ho-ho-OOOOOOH! You cannot get away from The Mist. [higher pitched] After it! [GRAMS: Whooshing sound.] [Organ playing silent film-type chase music, fading in and out in Doppler effect] [GRAMS: Sound of motorized Wurlitzer hurtling along at high speed along the road.] Greenslide: Listeners at this point may well be wondering how on Earth a large Wurlitzer pipe organ can move along at such a rapid pace. It's floating power, ladies and gentlefurs, the latest in modern design. Ask the fur who owns one. Neddie (masked mike, panting): You'll never get away! [Organ plays a thunderous chord of defiance] [GRAMS: Sound of pipe being launched, and then landing on the road with a loud clang.] Neddie (masked mike): You can try to fight, but remember this! The villain never lives in these stories, they'll always come to a sticky end! [Organ plays another thunderous chord of defiance] Neddie (masked mike): There it is! The cliff! It's the end of the road for you, Wurlitzer! You cannot escape! [Ominous snarling chords from the organ, and another pipe being launched] Neddie (masked mike): Give up, Wurlitzer! Give up! [Brief thunderous chord] Neddie (masked mike): Don't be a fool, man! Twenty years in a prison theatre isn't so bad. You'll get time off for good behaviour, and good performances... [Snarling organ chord.] Neddie (masked mike): No! Don't do it! [GRAMS: Loud sproinging sound] [Organ plays "Bye, Bye Blackbird"] Neddie: Good heavens, listeners. Rather than be taken alive, the Wurlitzer chose to jump. Jump to its death on the jagged rocks below. [GRAMS: Exceptionally loud, jarring and prolonged crashing sound, with much scattering of assorted metal parts.] Neddie: I hurried down to the foot of the cliff, to hear the final chords from the Wurlitzer. [GRAMS: Sound of footpads] Neddie: Why did you do it? What made you turn down the road to a life of crime? [Organ plays a very hesitant, shaky few bars of "Aloha Oe."] [GRAMS: Wheezy sounds, then final metallic collapse and crunching sound.] Neddie: I guess we'll never know, listeners. It only goes to show, though...[masked mike] ...the fruits of crime make icky jam! Crime is a lousy living! I, the Mist, tell you this! [sinister laugh, cut short by a violent burst of coughing] Ooo-er, blasted cigarettes... [Band fanfare, starts closing theme] Greenslide: That was "Fool's Delight," an L-Y-R-C recorded programme, featuring Harry Seacoon, Shrike Milligan, and Peter Sealers, with the Ray Elkington Quartet and Max Gelding. Music by Wally Stoat and his Orchestra. Script by E.O. Costello, and the producer was Ken Fletcher. [Band continues the closing theme, until fade out.] Announcer: This is radio station LYRC, Casino Island, Spontoon Independencies, broadcasting at 50,000 watts on AM 710. When you hear the musical tones, it will be exactly 9 o'clock, B-U-L-O-V-A, Bulova watch time. [Musical Station Identification Tag] Transcribed and edited by E.O.Costello |