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11 March 2009
Warning: Mature Burlesque Humor
Radio-play Transcript
"The Four Fools" show:
'Vostok Follies'
Transcribed & Edited by
W.D.Reimer
Produced by: W.D.Reimer,
with material by: E.O.Costello, M.M.Marmel, & J.T.Urie
| Transcription
Service Rain Island Radiocast Collective "Vostok Follies” ZYPR broadcast, Thursday May 6, 1937, 2230 Seathl time Broadcast rights reserved [GRAMS: Sound of approaching car, speeding down a road; squealing tires] Announcer: Do you hear that coming? Who could it be? [GRAMS: Sound of car skidding out of control and wrecking spectacularly] Announcer: Yes, folks! That’s right – it’s The Four Fools! Put the kids to bed, lock up your daughters, and leave the liquor out. Or hit me on the nut with a mallet – hey! [GRAMS: Bonk!] Announcer: OW! [GRAMS: Sound of metal parts clanging and tinkling in the background; sound fades down] (Theme: The Rubbish Tip Buskers play “The Old Comrades March”) Announcer: The Seathl Distiller’s and Brewer’s Syndicate, by now completely insane after drinking too much of their own products, presents “Vostok Follies,” a new episode starring the Four Fools. Sponsored by Four Graces Distillery, makers of Pribiloff Vodka, and by the Brightwood Head Injury Clinic, and based on characters created by W.D. Reimer and E.O. Costello. (Music fades down) Announcer: The Four Fools, Alan, Bobby, Chuck and Dexter, continue to assault our morals and – worse, they’re taking it outside our fair country. Best keep Chuck away from the broccoli, or he’ll end up setting our diplomatic relations even further back. [GRAMS: Loud, sustained farting noise] Announcer: Okay, so who put the gag into my script? Dexter: What gag, Mr. Announcer Man? Announcer: This gag. Dexter: Well, what’s it say, you silly cervine? Announcer: It says right here, “Hit me on the nut with a mallet.” [GRAMS: Bonk!] Announcer: OW! Alan: That’ll teach you to read things before you repeat them. Now get lost quickly, or no vodka for you. [GRAMS: Whooshing sound] Bobby: Good, he’s gone. Now what? Chuck: Well, we’re stuck on the ice with the Eskimos. [GRAMS: Wind blowing, people muttering unintelligibly off-mike] Bobby: That was last show! Chuck: We’re supposed to still be out there, Bobby. Bobby: Chuck, could you be even more dense? Chuck: Umm . . . yes. Dexter: Good Lord, how?! No, wait, that's something we are Not Meant to Know. [GRAMS: Echoing, lumbering footsteps] Eskimo Joe: It is him! Eskimo Pete: It is him! Dexter: Okay, who the hell is it? Alan: King Kong? Chuck: A yeti? Dexter: Oh, those don't exist, Chuck. Bobby: Yeah, a yeti's about as mythical as Dexter’s girlfriends. Dexter: (growls) Eskimo Jill: It's Quinn! Eskimo Jane: He's all-powerful! Bobby: You mean - ? Eskimo Joe: Yes! He is the Mighty Quinn! Dexter: So who the hell is that? Eskimo Kodapak: Quinn is a mighty storyteller. When Quinn the Eskimo get here, everyone going to run to him. Eskimo Pete: Yeah, but Quinn boring as hell. Chuck: Oh? Eskimo Pete: Yes, when Quinn the Eskimo get here, everyone going to want to doze. Dexter: Well, hit me on the nut with a mallet. [GRAMS: Bonk!] Dexter: OW! Who the hell's been putting that line in the script? Alan: What line? Dexter: You know! Chuck: What? "So who the hell is that?" Dexter: No! Bobby: Then what? Dexter: "Hit me on the nut with a mallet." [GRAMS: Bonk!] Dexter: OW! Eskimo Joe: Do not insult the Mighty Quinn. It is taboo! Other Eskimos: Taboo, taboo, beware. Alan: Oh? He’s just another husky, like the rest of you. Eskimo Pete: Not all of us. There’s Manfred over there. Alan: Manfred? Man! Eskimo Manfred: No, walrus. Chuck: (mutters) I thought Paul was the walrus. Eskimo Paul: Wrong, I’m a seal, you cross-eyed wolf. [GRAMS: Lumbering footsteps growing closer] [GRAMS: Loud and sour fart sound] [GRAMS: Lumbering footsteps receding, fast] Alan: Chuck! Good God, that almost blew our fur off! Chuck: Sorry, it's the whale blubber and fish heads I had for lunch. Eskimo Joe: You mock the Mighty Quinn! You shall all die before the farts melt! Dexter: He’s not so mighty, if you ask me – he runs away from just the sound of Chuck’s farts! Bobby: Shouldn’t have said that, Dexter. They’ve got harpoons and knives. Alan: Here they come! [GRAMS: Chase music] Dexter: (screams) [GRAMS: Sound of running feet; sound and chase music continue off-mike] Alan: This is more fun than watching paint dry. Chuck: Dexter’s certainly a fast runner on snow and ice. Should we leave him here? Bobby: Yeah! Let’s leave him here to die like a fox on the run! Chuck: Sweet! Alan: No. We can’t. Bobby: Why not? Alan: He’s got the combination to the studio’s liquor cabinet. Bobby: Damn! Well, we could always help him out, I suppose. Chuck: Well, you could always hit me on the nut with a mallet. [GRAMS: Bonk!] Chuck: OW! Bobby, what did you do that for? Bobby: You told me to do it, Chuck. Chuck: I did? Alan: Yes, you did, Chuck. It’s written on your script. Chuck: What, this? “Printed by the Typesetters Union, Local 25?” Alan: No, just above that. Chuck: Oh yeah, here it is. Alan: Here what is? Chuck: “Hit me on the nut with a mallet.” [GRAMS: Bonk!] Chuck: (woozy voice) Yeah, that was it. [GRAMS: Sound of lupine body falling unconscious] Alan: Chuck’s out like a light! Bobby: He always was a dim bulb, Alan. Alan: True enough. Dexter’s starting to look winded. Dexter: (off-mike) You idiots! HELP ME, before I get harpooned! Alan: Think we should help him? Bobby: What with? All we have is a pack of matches and Chuck’s gas. Alan: Well, wake him up while I distract the Eskimos. Hey, guys! [GRAMS: Sound of squealing brakes] [GRAMS: Chase music stops] Eskimo Joe: What you want? Alan: Look here. Gather around, everyone, for a quick English lesson. [GRAMS: Crowd movement, muttering] Alan: Okay, folks, quick now, what’s this line say right here? All Eskimos: “Hit me on the nut with a mallet.” [GRAMS: Rapid-fire massive Bonking! Sound; bodies falling] [GRAMS: Sound of only one pair of running feet] Alan: That should keep them quiet for a while. Dexter! Dex, you can stop running now. Dexter: I can’t! My brakes have given out! Bobby: That’s what that sailor said about you – oh no, wait, that was “put out.” Dexter: (growls) Alan: Dexter, come running over here and I’ll stop you. [GRAMS: Running feet drawing nearer] Chuck: Oh, my head. What are you doing, Alan? Alan: Stopping Dexter. Bobby: With your foot? Alan: Sure! I just stick my foot out in his path and – [GRAMS: Sound of plucked harp string, distorted to an ascending atonal at the end] Dexter: AIYEE! [GRAMS: Sounds of a wreck; pieces of wood, stone, metal rolled in a perforated steel barrel for 15 seconds; sound fades] [GRAMS: Sound of struck musical triangle] Bobby: That looked like it hurt, Dexter. Dexter: (Groans) Chuck: The Eskimos are all out cold. Bobby: Best place for them. Alan: What do you mean by that? Bobby: They’re bloody Eskimos. Besides, they were boring. Dexter: And stupid. Bobby: Boring and stupid? That sounds a lot like your folks, Dexter. Dexter: Better than your folks, Bobby. Never bring them around for dinner again. Bobby: Why? Alan: Because they damned near emptied the kitchen. Chuck: Like vacuum cleaners. With teeth. Bobby: Wait a minute! Why are you insulting my family? Dexter: Easy target. Bobby. Oh. Carry on, then. Chuck: But what do we do now? We’re still trapped out here on the ice, surrounded by Eskimos. Alan: We could go through their pockets for loose change. Dexter: Just what we need – Bobby: Don’t say it – Dexter: Cold cash. [GRAMS: Sound of vulpine head being struck] Dexter: OW! Alan: You have to stop saying jokes like that, Dexter. What will our audience think? Chuck: That they really should be at the cinema watching the latest episode of ‘The Dark Chamber?’ [GRAMS: Sound of lupine head being struck] [GRAMS: Off-mike, distant sound of plane] Chuck: Alan, stop hitting me for a moment and listen! Alan: What? Hey! There’s a plane up there! Dexter: Great! Maybe he can get us out of here. Hey! Over here! [GRAMS: Sound of plane getting closer; finally landing] Alan: That’s clever – the plane lands on skis in the snow. But is it one of ours? Bobby: Of course it is, Alan. It’s made in Rain Island. Dexter: How do you know? Are the wings plaid? Chuck: No, but the pilot’s wearing plaid. Bobby: You can tell by the shape of the wings, Dexter. Dexter: Never mind the bloody wings, Bobby – look at the shape of the pilot! Bobby: Wow! Will you look at the rack on her! Alan: Yeah, and her antlers aren’t bad either. [GRAMS: Airplane engine noises, fading away and stopping] Yukon Jane (Melanie Haber): Hi! What are you lot doing here? Alan: Waiting for you. So, caribou-tiful, what's a nice deer like you doing in a place like this? Bobby: Never mind him. Girls with big, er, antlers make him stupid – well, stupider than usual. Can you fly us back to Rain Island? Yukon Jane: I might be headed that way. Name’s Yukon Jane Pettigrew, hunter, trapper and bush pilot. Chuck: Bush pilot? I didn’t think you needed a pilot to find your way around one of those. Yukon Jane: Shut up! [GRAMS: Sound of lupine head being struck] Chuck: OW! Hey, she hits harder than you do, Bobby. Dexter: I guess that means you hit like a girl, Bobby! (laughs) Bobby: Dexter, I’ve warned you once already. Dexter: When? Bobby: Yes, exactly. Alan: Well, never mind all that, Cutie – how about a lift back to Rain Island? Yukon Jane: You got any money? Chuck: You’re asking fellow Rain Islanders for money? What happened to the anarcho-syndicalist ideal? Yukon Jane: I’m not from Rain Island, you dopey wolf. I’m from Juneau. Bobby: So, you’re an Alasker? Alan: Hold off, Bobby. I’ll ask her. Say, Cutie, do you know – [pronounced “Alasker. Say, Cutie, Juneau –“] [GRAMS: Sound of badger skull being dented] Alan: OW! Yukon Jane: That’ll teach you. Alan: What? Yukon Jane. Right. Like I said, how much money do you have? Dexter: Well, let’s search the Eskimos’ pockets and see what we can scrape up. [GRAMS: Rummaging sounds] Bobby: All this one has is two slips of dried whale blubber and an Orca-Cola bottle cap. Chuck: Hang on to that. I’m collecting those. Bobby: Why? Chuck: If you collect a thousand of them, they give you a prize. Dexter: Chuck, stop switching sponsors on us. Now, if you were collecting Cougar Whiskey bottle caps . . . Alan: We’d have enough prizes to set up our own prize contest. Okay, is this enough money, Sweetie? Yukon Jane: Let’s see . . . $26.29 Canadian, and $7 Rain Island. Eh, it’ll have to do. Get aboard, guys. (musical bridge) [GRAMS: Airplane sounds, off-mike and throughout the scene) Bobby: Look at all that ice and snow! Dexter: We’re in the frozen North, you moron marten. Bobby: But it’s Spring, Dexter. You know? Warmer, flowers blooming – a young man’s fancy lightly turning to thoughts of – Chuck: Big-breasted minks? Bobby: Chuck? Chuck: Yes? [GRAMS: Sound of lupine skull being dented] Bobby: How many times must I tell people not to bring Millie up in my presence? Ever? Yukon Jane: Who’s Millie? Bobby: Arrrgh. (starts weeping) Alan: You’ll have to excuse our weaselly friend here. Millie’s a minkess and his ex-girlfriend. Yukon Jane: Him? A girlfriend? (laughs) I haven’t heard anything so funny since they made a woman Chief Syndic in Rain Island. Dexter: What’s so funny about that, you long-horned tart? Alan: Careful, Dexter. That long-horned tart’s flying the plane. Yukon Jane: You all are funny. (mutters off-mike) Funny as mange. Where do you want me to drop you off? Alan: Oh, anywhere’ll be fine, beautiful. Say, once we land, how about you and I find a nice quiet place to – Yukon Jane: (laughs) Me? And you? Oh, that’s a rich one. My husband might have a thing or two to say about that. Dexter: Well, ask him along. Alan likes that sort of thing. Alan: Dexter? Dexter: Yes, Alan? [GRAMS: Sound of vulpine head getting dented] Yukon Jane: I’m thinking that this is your stop, boys. Chuck: But you’re not landing. How will we get down on the ground? Yukon Jane: You might notice I’m the only one wearing a seat belt. Bye, guys! [Sudden change in engine pitch and airplane noises, sounds of doors banging open; screaming that starts loud and fades as if receding into the distance] Yukon Jane: Happy landings! Announcer: What will happen next? Will our heroes be dashed to death on the ground below? Yukon Jane: We can only hope, dear. Announcer: That’ll teach you boys for trifling with my wife. Now, dear listeners, it’s time for a break and a refreshing sip of that premier product of Four Graces Distillery, Pribiloff Vodka! Made from the best grain and pure spring water and put through the patented triple-distilling process, Pribiloff Vodka is truly as fresh and cold as a Siberian breeze! My friends, with Spring starting to change into Summer here in Rain Island, many people are getting ready for summer sports like baseball and for outdoor activities. With those activities comes the risk of accidents that could lead to head injuries. When that happens, the doctors and nurses of the Brightwood Head Injury Clinic stand ready to help. The Brightwood Clinic, located in Brightwood on Barnes Island at the corner of Sixth and Elm Streets. Dexter: See them twice a year, or you’ll be seeing twice. Alan: Seeing two of Dexter would be bad. Bobby: Seeing one of him’s bad enough. Hey, Announcer Man! Announcer: Yes, Bobby? Bobby: There a band tonight? Announcer: Of course there is! Do you expect ZYPR to let you four offend the hell out of our audience without giving them something else to listen to? Chuck: ZYPR’s always lowering expectations. They try for the low overhead. Dexter: Speaking of low overhead – hey, Chuck! Chuck: Yes? [GRAMS: Sound of lupine head being struck] Announcer: And now, friends, Station ZYPR and Four Graces Distillery would like to present a new band that’s recently started playing in the Seathl area. They’re a group of five furs from the Naikoon area, so here are Bobby Headcase and the Laid-back Loafers with “Memories of You.” (Music: “Memories of You”) (Pause for applause) Announcer: Thanks, guys for that great song. Bobby and the Loafers will be performing throughout the country this year as part of the Artist’s Collective’s Summer program, so come out and see them in person when they come to your town. And now, when we last saw our intrepid quartet, they were hitting me on the nut with a mallet – what? [GRAMS: Four Bonk! sounds, not altogether in sync] Bobby: Get to the point, you idiot! We’ve just fallen from your wife’s plane and are plummeting to our deaths! Announcer: That’s right, Bobby. So start screaming and I’ll get myself a glass of Pribiloff Vodka. Bobby: Right. [GRAMS: Wind whooshing sounds; screaming approaching, getting louder to a certain point and then receding] (music: Mozart’s “Eine Kleine Nachtmusik,” Minuet; off-mike and soft, then growing louder as if approaching) [GRAMS: Screams, rising in volume as if growing nearer; descending slide whistle] [GRAMS: The Fools go "Oof!" but not in synch; sounds similar to trampolines and ripping silk; sounds of bodies hitting the ground] Dexter: I’m not dead! Chuck: Yeah. Hooray for us. Dexter: I've landed on something soft! Bobby: That's what your girlfriends always say. Alan: Well! That was a stroke of luck! Good thing we landed on these pillows. Chuck: Er, Alan - do pillows have whalebone stays in them? Countess Bestuzhovsky (Betty Jo Bialowski): Get OFF me, you idiots! Alan: I'll bet your boyfriends say that all the time. Chuck: Wow, look at all these fat people. Bobby: No, Chuck, it’s only their clothes that are fat. Underneath they’re normal. Look! C.B.: EEK! Bobby: Okay, so I’m wrong. C.B.: How DARE you ruffians disturb my party? Dexter: Ruffians, eh? And who the hell are you, made up like a cheap tart? Alan: And Dexter knows from cheap tarts. Bobby: Yeah, Dexter's had more cheap tarts than the winner in a pie-eating contest. Dexter: (growls) C.B.: I am the Countess Bestuzhovsky. Alan: Gesundheit! Chuck: Wipe your nose after you sneeze, Chubby. C.B.: Chubby! Why, I never! Bobby: Well . . . (pause, waits for audience giggles) . . . you should. It'd calm you down. [GRAMS: BONK!] Bobby: OW! Dexter: Now that we’ve settled that problem, where in Rain Island are we? If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear we were on a Petrel Studios set. Alan: What makes you think that, Dexter? Dexter: Look, Alan – the stodgy old music, the opera uniforms, the tatty old dresses – you’d think we were on Vostok Island or something. C.B.: You ARE on Vostok Island, you miscreant! (pause about two seconds) Chuck: (gasps) You mean – you’re all aristos? Irina (Amy Mitchell): (giggles) You’re so silly! Alan: And who might you be, my little lynxie lovely? Bobby: Get away from her, Alan! I saw her first! [GRAMS: Scuffle, persisting off-mike as Alan and Bobby wrestle] Irina: I’m the Countess’ guest of honor here today, Irina Pushinshovsky. Alan: How old are you, if you don’t mind my asking? Bobby: Not that it matters, Alan. With cleavage like that, who cares? Back off, I tell you! Irina, are you a goer? Irina: (giggles) A goer? What’s that? Bobby: I can’t explain that – I have to show you. Alan! Look over there! What’s that? Alan: It’s a sign. Bobby: What’s it say? You’re in my way and I can’t read it. Alan: Hit me on the nut with a mallet. [GRAMS: Bonk!] [GRAMS: Scuffle sounds end] Alan: Oww . . . I don’t feel so good. Dexter: Why not? Alan: I have a headache. Dexter: I can’t imagine why. Alan: I wish we could stop that. Chuck: What, Alan? Alan: That running gag. Chuck: I thought the running gag was Dexter. Dexter: (splutters) Dammit, I’m not the running gag! The running gag is “Hit me on the nut with a mallet!” [GRAMS: Bonk!] Dexter: (screams) Bobby: A-sharp. Dexter: (strained, falsetto voice) Dammit! ON the nut, not IN the nut! Bobby: Not my fault you’re not speaking clearly. Dexter, your problem is that you aren't using the microphone the way you should. Listen. Stand here. Throw out your chest. That's your stomach, idiot, I said chest. Now, make a dramatic gesture . . . good . . . and read this card: "HIT . . . me on . . . the NUT . . . with . . . a mallet!" [GRAMS: Bonk!] Bobby: OW! Irina: Oh, Bravo! Did the Countess hire you as clowns? Alan: No, Chubby didn’t hire us, my dear. We dropped in, you see. Now, how about we go up to your room and you show me your etchings, eh? Irina: (giggles) Dexter: Bobby, I’m going to kill you . . . as soon as I can stand up straight . . . Bobby: Look, Dexter, it’s perfectly simple. Here, why don't you get that tomato over there to read the card. Dexter: Okay. C'mere, babe. Irina: Hello! You’re a cute little fox! Dexter: Niiiiiiice. Say, read what's on this card. Irina: Tee-hee! Okeh! Hit Dexter on the nut with a mallet. [GRAMS: Bonk!] Dexter: OW! Hey! That's not what the card said! Bobby: Oh? Dexter: It said: hit me on the nut with a mallet. [GRAMS: Bonk!] Bobby: Well, what did she say? Dexter: Hit Dexter on the nut with a mallet. [GRAMS: Bonk!] Irina: (giggles) Bobby: Oh, I see. What should she have said? Dexter: Hit me on the nut with a mallet. [GRAMS: Bonk!] [GRAMS: Sound of vulpine body hitting the ground] [GRAMS: Tweeting birds] Bobby: Well, he won’t be waking up for a while. Irina: You’re so CUTE! Will you come up to my room? Bobby: Why? What’s in your room? Irina: (whispers, indistinct) [GRAMS: BOING! sound] Bobby: You guys carry on for a while. Irina wants to show me something. [GRAMS: Sound of two pairs of running feet] Alan: Hey! Damn! Bobby got the girl. Chuck: Hey, wait a minute! He’s a Rain Islander, like us. We’re supposed to share and share alike. C.B.: Bolsheviks! Alan: Watch your language; the Standards Office is awake tonight. Chuck: They got their naps early? Alan: No, they had the coffee down at the Java Joint. Chuck: Don’t get the sponsors mixed up, Alan. The distillery will do terrible things to us. Alan: Oh yeah? Like what? Chuck: Force us to do another eight shows. Alan: Oh, crap. C.B.: Never mind the Standards Office. What are you Bolsheviks doing at my garden party? Chuck: What did you call us? C.B.: Bolsheviks! Alan: I warned you about that, lady. The Standards Office sees all and hears all. Chuck: It’s all rabbits and owls there. C.B.: Sounds like our vaunted secret police departments – all five of them. Are they better than our secret police? Chuck: Not as secretive. You should hear them in the bathroom with the Gears & Sawbuck catalog. Alan: The lingerie section, or the recycling use thereof? Some furs use corncobs, you know. Chuck: More like - well, let's just say they need to wash their paws afterward. C.B.: Wash the fur on their paws? Alan: How do they find the faucet when they're blind? Chuck: Oh, they don't do it till they're blind. Let's just say the guys at the Optometrist's Union get a lot of business making eyeglasses. C.B.: Heavens! I will not stand here and be subjected to this filthy and VULGAR conversation! Chuck: You can always stand over there. C.B.: Quiet! [GRAMS: Sound of lupine head being struck; sour fart sound in the key of E] Alan: Phew! Chuck! Chuck: I think I must have thawed out. Dexter: (groggily) Yeah, worse luck for us. Do us all a favor, Chuck? Chuck: What? Dexter: Hit me on the nut with a mallet. [GRAMS: Bonk!] Dexter: OW! Dammit! Who keeps doing that? Anyway, Chuck, just do us all a favor – stay the hell away from the borscht. No telling what beets and sour cream will do to your gassy insides. Alan: Yeah, we might end up with the first lupine Zeppelin. Dexter: Just don’t him on the head again, everybody. C.B.: Why not, you silly fox? Dexter: If you hit him on one end, you get a musical sound from the other. Alan: And he can’t carry a tune to save his life. He’s flat. C.B.: He’s made my nose hairs curl. Ah! Here comes my husband and my party guest. You’ll rue the day you barged into Vostok Island. Alan: Rue? I knew a ‘roo once, cute little Aussie ass – er, lass – named Jennifer. [GRAMS: Slap] C.B.: Vulgar badger! Chuck: Good Lord, will you look at these two guts – er, guys! And you say one of them’s your husband? C.B.: Yes, the distinguished-looking wolf on the left is my dear mate, General the Count Ivan de Pushinshovski. The bear on the right is my guest, Metropolitan Kurbski. Dexter: Metropolitan, eh? Well, he does look big enough to have his own postal code. Alan: How come Irina’s a lynxess and Johnny over there’s a wolf? Girl in every port, huh? [GRAMS: Badger head being struck] C.B.: No, she’s my darling husband’s great-niece. (off-mike whoop, Bobby’s voice) Chuck: I imagine Bobby thinks she’s pretty good – probably not great, though. Metropolitan Kurbski (Alvin Bradshaw): Countess, who are these people? Some traveling clowns you hired for the party? Dexter: So what the hell are you made up for, then? Big black robe, black beard – are you an Italian widow? [GRAMS: Vulpine head getting smacked] Dexter: Ow! M.K.: I am a Metropolitan. Alan: You’re the Metropolitan? How much does it cost to ride you? That's a French joke, folks. Chuck: You can always expect the best imported jokes here on ZYPR. Dexter: Cheaper by the dozen. M.K.: I am a priest, fellow. Tell me, do you believe? Alan: No, but I’ll believe your daughter. Chuck: I believe I’ll have a drink. Where’s the Pribiloff Vodka? Dexter: “Believe?” Is that what they’re calling it now, Alan? Alan: As far as you know, Dexter. Count Ivan (George Papoon): I shall have you all shot! Chuck: No no, what you mean to say is you’ll give us all a shot – of vodka, maybe? I’m thirsty after having a snack. (ominous musical sting) Bobby: (off-mike) Damn you, Bandleader! Dexter: Chuck, you didn’t. Chuck: I couldn’t help it, Dexter. The borscht looked so tasty, and it’s great with sour cream. [GRAMS: Huge foghorn sound mixed with sour fart noise] Chuck: Oops. Dexter: Go change your trousers, Chuck. Alan: So, Count Johnny – C.I.: Count Ivan! Alan: Yeah, whatever. Anyway, tell me about your great-niece Irina – anymore at home where she came from? Dexter: Her mother had triplets, I hope. One of each. Chuck: Yeah, yes, no, and check back after puberty. C.I.: Never mind the firing squad. Dexter: Oh, good. C.I.: I’ll kill you all myself. Bobby: (sounding winded) I’m back! Damn, that Irina’s one supple little kitty! C.I.: WHAT?! Bobby: She’s great in the sack, too! C.I.: GUARDS! Bobby: What’d I miss? Alan: Your execution. Bobby: Damn! Always showing up late to important things. Oh well. Should we start running? Dexter: Sounds like a good idea. [GRAMS: Running feet and whooshing sounds; shouts in Russian and random gunshots] Chuck: Quick! Let’s use this to escape! Dexter: What the hell is it? A sleigh with a gas motor? Bobby: Never mind describing it for the home audience, you stupid fox. Alan: Let’s get it started and let’s go! [GRAMS: Gasoline engine starting up; whooshing sound off-mike throughout the scene] Dexter: Five monkeys in a phone booth! They’re gaining on us! Bobby: We need more thrust. Alan: I bet that's what your girlfriend says. Dexter: What we need a nearly inexhaustible supply of hot gas. Bobby: And here we are without the Chief Syndic. Alan: No, stick Chuck's arse over the back. Dexter: Right, who'll know the difference. [GRAMS: Sounds of a scuffle] Chuck: Hey! Dexter: So now his arse’s hanging over the back of the sleigh. How do we get Chuck started? Alan: Simple. Hit him on the nut with a mallet. Bobby: Great idea! Chuck: Not again . . . [GRAMS: Bonk!] [GRAMS: FOOM! sound] (music: “Jingle Bells”) All Four Fools: “Dashing through the snow In a gas-fart-powered sleigh Over the roads we go Gagging all the way . . .” Alan: Look! That looks like the Milhous Strait! Tillamook’s over on the other side! Bobby: Quick, Dexter, steer in that direction. Dexter: You steer, Bobby. It’ll be the first time you’ve been straight in a while. Bobby: (growls) [GRAMS: Whooshing sound, followed by a splash; sound of motorboat chugging through water; sounds of sleigh runners scraping over beach sand and rocks] [GRAMS: Whooshing noise stops, engine noises stop] Alan: We made it! Bobby: We made it! Chuck: We made it! Dexter: Hit me on the nut with a mallet! [GRAMS: Bonk!] Dexter: OW! All right, who the hell wrote this into my script? Bobby: I did. Dexter: What for? Bobby: It's written on this card. Dexter: What card? Bobby: This card. Read it for yourself. Dexter: Give me that. (pause) Huh! It *does* say "Hit me on the nut with a mallet." [GRAMS: Bonk!] Tillamookan Border Guard: Gentlemen? Alan, Bobby, Chuck, Dexter (together): Where? Huh? Who walked in? (Music rises, then fades.) (music: “Old Comrades March” off-mike) Announcer: At this point in the show, it would be a good time for – Bobby: For hitting Dexter again? Announcer: No, Bobby. It’s a good time for a final drop of that smooth and refreshing liquor called – Dexter: Ditch water? Announcer: - known as Pribiloff Vodka. It’s the Vodka that's better than hitting me on the nut with a mallet. [GRAMS: Bonk!] Announcer: OW! [GRAMS: *sip*] Announcer: Mmmmm. Hey, you're right. Anyway, Pribiloff Vodka, one of the many fine products of the Four Graces Distillery! Chuck: Think they’ll let us anywhere near Vostok Island after this? Bobby: Depends on what the Foreign Syndic says. Alan: He’ll come around, as soon as I remind him who’s got the negatives. Announcer: For some reason that’s probably set back our international relations, you’ve been listening to the Four Fools in their production of “Vostok Follies,” brought to you by the Distiller’s Collective and the Brightwood Head Injury Clinic. [GRAMS: Three raspberries and a farting noise] Announcer: Alan was played by Alan Bryant, Bobby by Bobby Donaldson, Chuck by Chuck Miner, and Dexter by Dexter Mayhew. Melanie Haber played Yukon Jane Pettigrew, Countess Bestuzhovsky – Chuck: Gesundheit! Announcer – was played by Betty Jo Bialowski. Alvin Bradshaw played Kurbski and George Papoon played Count Ivan. Amy Mitchell played Irina Pushinshovski in her debut role here at Station ZYPR. Bobby: Poor girl. Announcer: Music was presented here by Bobby Headcase and the Laid-back Loafers, who will be on tour this summer. Dexter: Hiding their heads in shame, more likely. Announcer: And the Eskimos are unavailable for comment. The show – which is describing it charitably – was produced by W.D. Reimer – Alan: - who really just can’t take a hint – Announcer: - with material written by E.O Costello, M.M. Marmel and J.T. Urie. Chuck: Who’ve been dropping hints. Dexter: I thought they were dropping pants? Bobby: Only you would appreciate that, Dexter. Announcer: Don’t ask who I am, because I won’t tell you. Nyah, nyah, nyah. This has been the Rain Island Radiocast Collective, Station ZYPR, wishing all of you out there a very pleasant night. (Music rises, then cuts off abruptly) Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – you know who you are, and if you don’t you should see a doctor immediately – here’s a preview of next week’s episode of The Four Fools! Next week’s episode is entitled . . . “Hold the Mustelid.” Irina: Bobby! There you are! You are a DADDY! Bobby: I am? Irina: Da, da! Look! [GRAMS: Baby gurgles and cooing sounds] Dexter: Hey, that’s a really cute little lynx/marten baby, Bobby. Congrat – [GRAMS: Really cute lynx/marten baby fart] Dexter: Phew! Are you sure HE’S the Daddy, Irina? Count Ivan: BOBBY! I KILL YOU! [GRAMS: Marten squealing in terror, sounds of running feet] (Music rises, then fades). Transcribed and edited by W.D.Reimer |