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Radio-play Transcript 
"Rosie's Place":
'Show 1: The China Trade'
Transcribed & Edited by E.O.Costello

Columbia Broadcasting System transcription

"Standard of Rhode Island Show"
Rosies's Place: Show 1: The China Trade
Sunday, September 11, 1938
West Coast Repeat Show
7.30 pm Los Antelopes Time

[Orchestra flourish]

Harlow Wilcox: Standard of Rhode Island, the makers of Fire Cheetah premium gasoline, present "Rosie's Place."

[Steel guitar plays "When My Dreams Come True" in Hawai'ian fashion under song]

Andrews Sisters:

Ever since I met you all that I seem to do is dream
Wonderful dreams
Heaven's before my eyes, when will I realize my dreams
Wonderful dreams?

The skies will all be blue
When my dreams come true
And I'll be smiling through
When my dreams come true...

Harlow: Starring Georgia Ellis as Rosie, with Mel Blanc, Bea Benadaret, Sara Berner, Bert Gordon, Franklin Pangborn and Bill Thompson, with the Andrews Sisters and the Raymond Scott Orchestra.  The Orchestra opens with "Alone."

[Orchestra plays "Alone"]

[Cut into music]

Harlow:  Well, summer is almost over, the days are getting shorter and there's a touch of frost in the air.  Winter will soon be upon us, and that means your car is going to have to work harder than ever.  Why not make it easy on your car?  Give it what it needs to have that extra pep.  Standard of Rhode Island's Fire Cheetah gasoline is specially blended with our exclusive triple hydrofining process to make a sweet gasoline, free of impurities that can clog your engine.  With no clogs, more gasoline can get to your engine, giving you that extra burst of power you need to start your car when it's cold.  And no clogs mean less wear and tear and your engine.  Remember, for fast starts and speed when you need, it's Fire Cheetah premium gasoline.  Don't be unsafe...be SORI.  Standard of Rhode Island.

[Orchestra finishes song]

Harlow:  The Spontoon Islands are a small place, where every fur knows every other fur.  Word gets around fast where the best things are to be had.  And on Meeting Island, just down the street from the courthouse, there's a place the furs like to go to get a good, hearty lunch.  What place is this?  Why, it's none other than...

[GRAMS: Sound of telephone ringing twice, then being picked up.]

K'nutt:  H-h-hallo, dis is...ah...uh...oh, yeah, dis is Luchow's.  N-n-nah, Rosie ain't heah.  Who is dis?  Well, uh...errr...ah...hmmm.  Gee, I dunno.  H-h-hey, does I gets t'ree guesses? I...

[GRAMS: Sound of vulpine skull betting bonked]

K'nutt: Owwww! H-h-hey!

B'onss:  Gimme dat t'ing.  Luchow's, dis is B'onss th' handy fox speakin'.  Who?  Oh, him?  Dat was me twin brudder, K'nutt.  Huh?  Yeah, well, me ma had a bit of sensea humor, yeah.  Ya lookin' fer Rosie?  Naw, she ain't heah.  What?  Oh, ya gots dem new dishes Rosie ordered fer th' joint?  Dat's no problem, me an' K'nutt'll pick 'em up in th' truck.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Dat's right, me an' K'nutt.  Yer gonna toss in a bunch a brooms an' dustpans free a'charge?  Gee, dat's swell of ya, but I don't t'ink we're gonna need 'em.  Oh.  *You* t'ink we're gonna need 'em.  Well, dat's different.  Okeh, we'll be by later t'pick up th' stuff.  Huh?  Who's gonna pick up after us?  I dunno.  I'll talk wit' Vicky.  Who?  Oh, yeah.  She's th' waitress, she's real sharp.  She useta have a knife act in th' States.  Hey, geddit, knife act, sharp?  Heh, heh...hunh?

[GRAMS: Sound of phone hook being jiggled]

B'onss: H'lo?  H'lo?  Hunh.  Hung up.

Victoria Knox:  I'm not surprised.

K'nutt: H-h-hi, Vicky.  How ya doin' t'day?

Vicky:  K'nutt, you've asked me that four times already this morning.

K'nutt:  Oh.  Am I gettin' th' same answer?

Vicky: Look, I...oh, never mind.  Listen, did I hear your brother just now say the two of you were going to pick up a load of dishes?

B'onss: Yep, dat's right. 

Vicky: Listen, you two.  If I were you, I'd wait until Rosie gets back.  She owns this place, and if she finds out her new supply of dishes is all busted up, something else is going to get busted up around here.

B'onss: Hey, y'ain't bein' fair, Vicky.  Now, when th'gas oven wudn't workin', who was it dat figgered out dere wuz a gas leak?

Vicky: You and K'nutt.

B'onss: Yup!

Vicky: With a lit match.

K'nutt: I-i-it worked, didn't it?

Vicky: Yeah, but you two didn't.  At least not until the bandages came off.

B'onss: Ah, details, details.  C'mon, K'nutt, th' truck's parked out back.

K'nutt: O-o-okeh, B'onss.  Sure t'ing.

[GRAMS: Sound of vulpine collision with door]

B'onss: K'nutt...

[GRAMS: Sound of vulpine collision with door]

B'onss: K'nutt...

[GRAMS: Sound of vulpine collision with door]

B'onss: It sez "Pull" on *dis* side.

K'nutt: But h-h-hey, I pushes it on th' other s-s-side.

B'onss: Yeah, so?

K'nutt: Gee, d-d-dat's confusin'.

B'onss: Look, just let me do th' t'inkin fer both of us, okeh?

K'nutt: Okeh.

[GRAMS: Sound of two vulpine collisions with door]

B'onss: Stupid door.

[GRAMS: Sound of bell as door is opened, then closed with another bell]

Vicky:  The blind leading the blind.  Oh, well, I suppose we can always use banana leaves for the blue plate, I mean blue leaf, special.

Cuthbert Calico:  Oh, I say, Miss Knox?  May I have some service, please?

Vicky: Certainly, Mr. Calico. 

Calico:  Now see here, Miss Knox.  The board doesn't list any specials for the day.

Vicky:  I'm sorry, Mr. Calico.  The cook hasn't told me what the specials are, yet.

Calico:  Well, really.  How decidedly unbusiness like.  I wish to speak to the chef at once.  I'm a very busy fur, and the Althing only allows me precisely twenty minutes for lunch.  Pressing affairs of state, you know.

Vicky:  Oh, you're in the Ministry of Laundry, now?

Calico: I *beg* your pardon?

Vicky: Never mind.  Hey, Nick?

[GRAMS: Sound of swinging doors bursting open with vigor]

Nick:  Eyaasssssss!  Nicholai Ivanovich Lopanearov, at your call.  Hey!

Calico: Good heavens, man, don't burst out of the kitchen like that.  Why are you acting like a March hare?

Nick: My calendar, it is six months slow.

Vicky: Everything's slow around here.

Calico: Including the service.  Now see here, my good man.  How is the fish today?

Nick: Is fine, thenk you for esking.  How is you fish doing?

Calico: No, no, no.  I mean is the fish fresh?

Nick: Ahhhhh!  I am now understanding.  Well, listen: the fishie that you get on your plate today, snoozed last night in the bottom of the bay.

Vicky: Don't you believe it.  The fish on your plate looks like a geezer; it spent last night in the back of the freezer.

Nick: Such slander!  I am having you know that I, Nicholai Ivanovich Lopanearov, was once chef to his Imperial Majesty the Tsar!

Vicky: And look how that turned out.

Calico:  Ohhhhh, this is silly.  Listen, do you have any specials today?

Nick:  Do I heve any specials?  Doooooo I heve any specials?  I am telling you know, between the two of us, my friend, that I, Nicholai Ivanovich Lopanearov, I am preparing my special Beef Stroganoff.  It is wary special, this Stroganoff.  It is seasoned to perfection...

Calico: I see, I see...good heavens, how did you get that black eye?

Nick: I got it, while preparing the Stroganoff.

Calico: You got it while preparing the Stroganoff?

Nick:  Oh, yassssssss.  See, in the preparation of the Stroganoff, I, Nicholai Ivanovich Lopanearov, I am first using the pinch of the black pepper.  Then, I am secondly using the pinch of the red pepper.  Then, I am thirdly using the pinch of the oregano.

Calico: But how did that result in a black eye?

Vicky: He pinched something else, brother.

Calico: Oh, this is absurd.  Let me have a bowl of borscht, then.

Nick: Ahhhh!  You are a wise fur to order the borscht, my friend.

Calico: Why, is it fresh?

Nick: Is it fresh?  You simply can't beet it.  Ha-hah!  You are getting the great joke, yes?

Vicky: It'd be better for all of us if you got the borscht.  Neither the joke nor the borscht are getting any fresher.

[GRAMS: Sound of double swinging doors being gone through]

Customer: Oh, waitress?  Can I have a steak knife, please?

[GRAMS: Whistling sound, followed by loud thud, followed by metal quivering sound]

Customer: Hey!

Vicky: Sorry.  Force of habit.  Fast, though, wasn't it?

Customer: It's right in my plate!

Vicky: Sure.  Cut your meat for you, too.  You can't say we don't give service around here.

[GRAMS:  Bell jinging as door opens]

Vicky: Oh, hello Rosie.

Rosie Baumgartner: Hello, Vicky.  I'm back from the market.  Tell B'onss and K'nutt to lend a paw to the deliveryfurs.

Vicky: Ummmm.

Rosie: Oh, oh.  You're umming, Vicky.  (sighs) Are those two stuck in the walk-in freezer, again?

Vicky: No.

Rosie: They haven't been "testing" the grill?

Vicky: No.

Rosie: They're not trying to take delivery of the new china, are they?

Vicky: Got it in three, Rosie.

Rosie: Ohhhhh, brother.  Why did I take those two nitwits on, anyway?

Vicky: 'cause they're the kid brothers of both your lawyer and Sergeant Brush.

Rosie:  Yeah.  Sheesh, Kara got all the brains in that group. 

Vicky: And that ain't all, sister.  I saw her with another new tod last night, some rich Englishfur.  I hear he kept trying to give her a ring all last night.

Rosie: Telephone?

Vicky: Tiffany's.

Rosie: Ohhhhhh.  Well, just as well she isn't here.  She'd probably tell me the latest bill for damages B'onss and K'nutt have run up.  How are those two picking up the china, anyway?

Vicky: They took the truck.

Rosie: The truck?!  Oyyyyy.  Those two can't drive a truck.  How they ever got licenses, I'll never know.

Vicky: I do. 

Rosie: You do?

Vicky: Yeah, the brother of the guy that gave the test runs an insurance office.

Rosie: Well, that's the way things work around here...still, you think those two will get through this without destroying anything?

Vicky/Rosie: (laughter)

Rosie: Naaaah, you're right.

[Musical bridge]

B'onss: Okeh, K'nutt, back up!

[GRAMS: Sound of truck reversing]

B'onss: A lil' more...

[GRAMS: Sound of truck reversing]

B'onss: A lil' more...

[GRAMS: Sound of truck reversing]

B'onss: Just a *lil'* more...

[GRAMS: Sound of metal crunching, and metal parts falling off.]

B'onss: Okeh, K'nutt, dat's it!

[GRAMS: Sound of truck door opening and closing]

K'nutt:  H-h-hey, B'onss?  H-h-how we gonna get dat big ol' barrel inta th' truck?

B'onss: Now K'nutt, I'm real glad dat you ast dat question.  T'do dat, we is gonna use t'ancient an' time honnaed met'od of usin' muscular leevrage t'hoist dat barrel, move it over t'da truck, an' deposit it unharmed.

K'nutt:  Uhhhh, B'onss?

B'onss: Yeah?

K'nutt: Dat means I gots t'lift dat t'ing on me own back, don't it?

B'onss: More or less, K'nutt.

K'nutt: Oooooooh, okeh.  S-s-s-say, w-w-w-waitaminnit.  Whadda *youse* gonna be doin', B'onss?

B'onss: Leave us not be absurd, B'onss.  I am, after all, th' senior handy fox for Luchow's.  Which means I gotta supervise-like th' entire operation, see?

K'nutt: S-s-supervise th' operation?

B'onss: Yeah, dat's it.

K'nutt: Uh-hunh.  Meanin' youse is gonna stand 'round an' watch, right?

B'onss: More or less, K'nutt.

K'nutt: Ohhhhhhh.  Okeh, den.  Well, no time like th' present, hey?

B'onss: Here, ahhhh, lemme get inta th' truck, th' better t'supervise dis woik.

[GRAMS: Sound of spitting onto vulpine paws]

K'nutt: Okeh-dokeh.  Here goes.  Unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnh!  Unhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  Unhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

B'onss: Hey, uhhhhh, K'nutt?

K'nutt: Yeah?

B'onss: Dat's th' barrel over dere.  Youse is tryin' t'lift th'ground.

K'nutt: Y-y-yeah, an' dey shore got it nailed down good, ain't it?

B'onss: K'nutt, leave us ferget th' ground.  It ain't ours, nohow.  Now den, th' barrel.

K'nutt: Okeh.

[GRAMS: Sound of spitting onto vulpine paws]

K'nutt: Alllllley----ooop!

[GRAMS: Muffled sound of rattling china]

K'nutt: Unnnnnhhhhhhhh!

B'onss: Okeh, K'nutt, yer doin' great.  Now, a few steps straight ahead-like...watchit, watchit...

[GRAMS: Muffled sound of rattling china]

B'onss: Okeh, two steps to yer left...dat's it...steady, steady, steady...

K'nutt: Unhhhhhhh!

B'onss: Swell!  Now let her down gentle-like...careful...!

[GRAMS: Loud rattling sound, very heavy thumping sound]

K'nutt:  W-w-w-whooops!  Wow, dat was a close one.  I-i-i don't t'ink none of dem dishes wuz broken, B'onss.

B'onss: Oh, I'm sure of dat, K'nutt.

K'nutt: You is?

B'onss: Certain-like.  Th' only thing what got broke wuz th' fall of the barrel-like.

K'nutt: W-w-wit' what, B'onss?

B'onss: Wit' *ME* you lamebrain!  Gettit offen me! Gettit offen me!

[Musical bridge]

Rosie: No.

Right Hon. A. Cadbury Mouchoir:  Pray, good lady, I beg you to reconsider.

Rosie: Upon reconsideration, the answer is...no.

Mouchoir: Is that your final answer?

Rosie: Yes.

Mouchoir: Ah, spendid!  I shall have a ham sandwich and a bowl of soup, then?

Rosie: You...what?

Mouchoir: You said "yes," just now.  I distinctly heard it.  My hearing is very keen, you know.  Runs in the family.  All males of the Mouchoir line have inherited it.

Rosie: Did they inherit anything else?  Like, something that can be used to pay a tab?

Mouchoir: Regrettbly not, dear lady.  My direct ancestor, the twelfth baron of the line, had the misfortune to run up a large bill for his stay in Scotland.

Rosie: In a hotel?

Mouchoir: No, in a dungeon.  After the battle of Bannockburn.  The clan Strathdern invited him for a lengthy stay.  Dashed unfortunate, you know.  He had misplaced his armor.

Rosie: He misplaced his armor?

Mouchoir: Yes.  The mail is usually late in that part of Scotland, you know.

Rosie: Oh, brother.

Mouchoir: And as for the fourteenth baron, he too ran afoul in Scotland.  He had a dispute with a Highland chief, and they decided to settle the matter in a manner befitting gentlefurs.  Golf.  Rather popular in Scotland, you know.

Rosie: So I've heard.

Mouchoir: Things looked well for my forebear at the outset.  At the first tee, he addressed the ball.  Judging wind with perfection, he smote the ball with accuracy and distance, and made a hole in one.  Dashed good show.

Rosie: So what did the Highland chief do?

Mouchoir: Well, seeing the splendid shot made by my ancestor, he restored to a special club.  One that he used on the aforesaid ancestor's noggin. 

Rosie: Another hole in one.

Mouchoir: Rather more than one, I'm afraid.  And the greens committee refused to censure the bounder.  Outrageous.

Rosie: Look, all this is well and good, but...

Mouchoir: I assure you, my dear lady, that if you see my lawyers, all will be resolved to mutual satisfaction.

Rosie: Yeah, I hear they aren't getting paid, either.

Mouchoir: Jolly good!  You'll have much to commiserate about, then. 

Rosie: Look, Mooch, here's a half-sandwich and a glass of milk.  I'll put it on your tab.

Mouchoir: Dashed decent of you, ma'am.  I shall remember you in my will, along with some chaps I knew in Mesopotamia during the Great War.

Rosie: You were in the Great War, Mooch?

Mouchoir: But naturally.  The Second Battalion of the King's Own Mendicants.  Some of the natives there served me admirably.  There I was, a mere stone's throw from the northern reaches of the Tigris, on the verge of perishing from thirst, when a local dairyman revived me with some of his produce.  Then and there, I made a solemn vow to repay his kindness when I died.  His people are famous for their hospitality, you know.

Rosie: His people...you mean the...

Mouchoir: The Kurds, ma'am.

Rosie: The Kurds, I...oh, no.

Mouchoir: Indeed.  For those generous Kurds, where there's a will, there's some whey.  Good afternoon!

[GRAMS: Sound of door and bell as it opens and closes]

Harlow:  Hello, Rosie!

Rosie: Oh, it's you, Mr. Wilcox.  What would you like?  And please don't tell me you'd like to tell some bad jokes.

Harlow:  Oh, heaven forbid, Rosie.  I'd like a fresh garden salad, please.

Rosie: And you can pay for it?

Harlow: I've just missed Mooch, haven't I?

Rosie: Yup.

[GRAMS: A few coins hitting the counter]

Harlow: And put a few of those toward Mooch's tab.

Rosie: A few toward...?  Say, what's got you so upbeat, Mr. Wilcox?  You'd better stay away from the Electric Company.  If they get a good look at you, they might tie you down, and hook you up. 

Harlow: Well, Rosie, it's my new diet.  I've been eating salads.

Rosie: But you're not a deer, Mr. Wilcox.

Harlow: Mrs. Wilcox seems to think so.

Rosie: I mean, why would a big strapping wolf like you start eating salads?

Harlow: Well, I'll tell you, Rosie.  It's not so much the salad, as the dressing.

Rosie: Dressing?  What kind of dressing?  French?  Russian?  Thousand Island?

Harlow: No, I use a few drops of vinegar, and a whole lot of oil.

Rosie: Oil?

Harlow: Yes, oil.  Sweet oil, like the sweet oil you get from Standard of Rhode Island's patented triple hydrofining process...

Rosie: Yes, but...

Harlow: ...the process that results in a gasoline free from impurities, the kind that can foul up your motor, and reduce performance...

Rosie: Well, that's all interesting, but...

Harlow:  ...with the result that not only will your motor run more efficiently, but it saves on wear and tear and the resulting maintenance.  And just like the oil on my salad, Standard of Rhode Island's Fire Cheetah gasoline is made to produce pep and energy for quick starts and passing power on the highway.  It's no wonder that more highway patrolfurs use Standard of Rhode Island's Fire Cheetah gasoline in their personal cars, than any other gasoline you can buy today.

Rosie: Yes, but...

Harlow: So, the next time you need to fill up your tank, stop in at any one of the more than 3,000 Standard of Rhode Island filling stations from coast to coast.  If you do, you'll be glad  you're SORI.

Rosie: So that's why you like eating salads, hanh?

Harlow: Well, a good salad reminds me of home and Mrs. Wilcox.

Rosie: It does?

Harlow: You bet.  I just *love* a yummy tomato.  So long, Rosie!

[GRAMS: Sounds of bell as door opens and closes]

Rosie: What a character.  Well, at least he paid up for Mooch.  There goes a good fur.

Vicky: Yeah, and at least that might pay for whatever B'onss and K'nutt pull this afternoon.

Rosie: B'onss and...oh, no, I clean forgot about those two.  Any sign of them?

Vicky:  Well, if it's any help, I haven't heard the cries of the surprised and wounded, so far.  Touch wood.

Rosie: Criminy, it's what, a few hundred yards from the dock to the back of the restaurant?  How much trouble can those two get into?

Vicky: Rosie?

Rosie: Yeah?

Vicky: Are you asking that just to make conversation, or do you *really* want to know?

[Musical flourish]

Harlow:  The Andrews Sisters, with Raymond Scott and his orchestra, perform "Joseph, Joseph!"

[Orchestra plays "Joseph, Joseph!"]

Andrews Sisters:

A certain maid I know
is so afraid her beau
will never ask her will she name the day.

He calls on her each night
and when she dims the light
it's ten-to one that you will hear her say:

 "Oh Joseph! Joseph!
Won't you make your mind up?
It's time I knew just how I stand with you!
My heart's no clock that I can stop and wind up
each time we make up after being through.

So listen, Joseph, Joseph time is fleeting
and here and there my fur is turning gray-y-y.
My mother has a fear
wedding bells I'll never hear.
Joseph, Joseph, won't you name the day?

Oh, Joseph won't you name the day?
Oh, Joseph won't you name the day?
Oh, Joseph won't you name the day, name the day, name the day?

Oh, Joseph, make your mind up!
It's time I knew just how I stand with you!
My heart's no clock, that I can wind up
Oh, Joseph, each time we make up after being through-ough-ough.

Oh, Joseph, Joseph, Joseph time is fleeting
And here and there my fur is turning gray-ay-ay
My mama has a fe-ear
we-e-eedding bells I'll never hear
Joseph, Joseph, won't you name the day?"

[Pause for applause]

[Musical bridge]

Harlow:  Well, the boys have decided to help Rosie, by going out and fetching a load of brand new china for the restaurant.  How do you suppose they're making out?

Chinese fur: [speaks rapidly and angrily in Chinese]

B'onss: Yeah?  An' yer anodder, bub!

Harlow: Yes, about what you'd figure.

Chinese fur: [speaks rapidly and angrily in Chinese]

B'onss: Y'know, K'nutt?

K'nutt: W-w-what's dat, B'onss?

B'onss: I'd bust dis palooka one in th' muzzle, iffen I knew what th' heck he wuz sayin'.

Kara Karoksdottir:  He's complaining that you're blocking his cart, B'onss.

B'onss: Oh!  Errrrrrr, hiya Kara.

K'nutt: It's not my fault!  It's not my fault!

B'onss: Zip it, you.

Kara: Boys, what are you doing?

B'onss: Lissen, just 'cause yer our big sister, an' yer so smart, an' you got a big, fancy lawyer's job, an' a big, fancy office, an' all dem nice clothes, an' a whole lotta tods chasin' after yer brush, does dat give ya th' right t'boss me 'n K'nutt around?

Kara: Yes.

K'nutt: It's not my fault!

Kara: What isn't, Knutt?  I ask that with a sense of dread.

K'nutt: B-b-b'onss didn't wanna stop, a-a-an' ask fer no directions.

B'onss: Of course I ain't gonna ask fer no directions.  It's just a short drive on Meetin' Island, ain't it, Kara?

Kara: Yes, that's true, B'onss.  Except for one thing.

B'onss: Yeah?  An' what's dat, smarty-brush?

Kara: You're on Casino Island, right now.

B'onss: Uhhhhhhhhhhh.

K'nutt: I-i-i told ya dere wuz a reason we w-w-wasn't seein' no stop signs, B'onss.  An' why we had t'use th' wipers w-w-when it ain't rainin'.

B'onss: Well, ain't you got peripheral hindsight.

Kara: Look, will you back up the truck and let this fur through?  I'm sure I can call the harbor and have them send around a car ferry, if I ask nicely.  It's lucky for you the harbormaster's a cousin of ours.

B'onss: Now lissen, what makes you t'ink I'm gonna do what you says, just like dat?  I ain't one of yer tod boyfriends who'll roll over just 'cause you says so.

Kara: B'onss.  B'onss.  Sweet, dear *little* brother.  If you don't do what I tell you, I'm going to do one thing.

B'onss: Yeah, what's dat?

Kara: I'll tell Mom.

B'onss: You'll tell...oh.  Oh, no.

K'nutt: Ahhhh!  H-h-h-have a h-h-heart, Kara.  If Ma finds o-o-o-ut about dis, it's gonna mean...

B'onss: Ugh.  Durian for breakfast for t'ree weeks.  *An'* lunch.

K'nutt: A-A-An' dinner.

Kara:  So?  Do I get my way?  Hurry up, I've got to meet a Texas tod in ten minutes.  He wants to tell me all about his stable of racing horses.

K'nutt: Y-y-you interested in dat, Kara?

Kara: Why not?  With you two, I have a lot of experience in getting the dope.

[Musical bridge]

Customer: Waitress!  Waitress!

Vicky:  Yes, sir?

Customer: Look at this!

Vicky: Your bowl of soup, sir?

Customer.  Yes!  There's a fly in it.  What is it doing there?

Vicky: Hmmm.  Hmmmm.

Customer:  Well?

Vicky: I'll bet you're expecting me to say "the backstroke," aren't you?

Customer: Yes, actually, I was.

Vicky: Well, there you're wrong.

Customer: Good.

Vicky: It's doing the Australian crawl.

Customer: Accccch!

Vicky: Never mind, I'll bring you a fresh bowl, sir.

[GRAMS: Sound of double swinging doors]

Vicky: Nick!

Nick: Aaaaaaaaah, you have come at last to Nicholai Ivanovich...

Vicky: Lopanearov, yes, yes, I know.

Nick: Hah, hah, hah.  Silly vixen.

Vicky: Watch it, buster.  I can use those boning knives in ways they never taught you at cooking school.

Nick: Do you meannnit?

[GRAMS: Three whistling sounds, followed by thudding sounds, and three vibrating sounds]

Nick: Hmmmmmm.  You *dooooo* meannit, at that.

Vicky: Now, can the romance, Valentino, and give me a fresh bowl of cream of tomato soup. 

Nick:  Cream of tomato?  Heee-heeee, Nicholai issss thinking...

[GRAMS: Whistling sound, thudding sound, vibrating sound]

Nick (gulps audibly): ...that he get the bowl of soup...riiiiight away.

[GRAMS: Whooshing sounds, followed by clattering of dish on tray]

[GRAMS: Double doors swinging.]

Vicky: Honestly.  The things a vixen has to do to sometimes.  It's worse than Fillydelphia.  Here you are, sir.

Rosie: What's worse than Fillydelphia, Vicky?

Vicky: Ehhhh, the Russkie Romeo in the kitchen.  He heard that rabbit's paws are lucky, and he's sure trying to push his luck.  You were in vaude, Rosie.  You ever have trouble in Fillydelphia?

Rosie: Tough audiences in Filly.

Vicky: Yeah?  How tough?

Rosie: I remember one juggler, the Great Diggio.  Claimed he was the best juggler in the world, that he could juggle anything.  Made the mistake of boasting about it to an audience at the old Arch Street Theatre.

Vicky: What did they do?

Rosie: His bad luck that there were a bunch of coal miners in the audience.  They made him juggle lit sticks of dynamite.

Vicky: Lit sticks of dynamite?

Rosie: Yeah, but the Great Diggio got the last laugh. 

Vicky: How's that?

Rosie:  His act brought the house down.

Vicky: Speaking of disasters, I wonder where B'onss and K'nutt are.  Well, actually, I don't wonder.  I'm just morbidly curious.

Rosie: How long have they been gone?

Vicky: Ummmmm....hmmm.  About six hours.

Rosie: Well, I can look on the bright side.  At least it isn't *my* stuff they're breaking.

Vicky: Heh, heh.  You don't suppose we could get lucky, and they could break themselves?

Rosie: There ain't no such luck in the world, Vicky.  Furs like B'onss and K'nutt are indestructible.  It's uncanny, really.  Kara was telling me the other day about one thing that K'nutt pulled once.  He swallowed a watch.

Vicky: Deliberately?

Rosie: Yup.

Vicky: What on earth for?

Rosie: K'nutt said he wanted to pass the time.

Vicky:  Well, that certainly sounds like...

[GRAMS:  Sound of truck, then stopping and engine shutting off.]

Vicky: Good heavens, it's the boys!  They're back.

Rosie: In one piece?

Vicky: Looks like it.

Rosie: Nertz.  Oh, well, a cheetah can dream, can't she?

[GRAMS:  Sound of door and bell as it is being opened]

B'onss:  T'ank youse, t'ank youse, hold yer applause.

K'nutt: H-h-hi, Rosie.  Hiya, Vicky.

Rosie: Well, it only took you six hours to go from here to the pier and back again.  I'm glad I didn't ask you to pick me up some Irish potatoes.

B'onss: Dat's okeh.  I gassed up th' truck, Rosie.  It ain't no problem, me 'n K'nutt can...

Rosie: B'onss.

B'onss: Yeah?

Rosie: Be quiet before you make my head explode.

B'onss: Sorry, Rosie.

K'nutt: H-h-hey Rosie?  Me 'n B'onss, we brung back yer china dat you ordered.

Rosie: Boys, I ordered 200 pieces of china, right?

B'onss: Yeah, dat's right, Rosie.  200 pieces.

Rosie: Please tell me you didn't bring back 2,000 pieces.

B'onss: Leave us not have any fears, Rosie.  Me 'n K'nutt, we done our job real good, ain't dat right, K'nutt?

K'nutt: Y-y-yeah, dat's right.  See, Rosie?  I brung in a bowl from th' back of th' truck?

Rosie: One down, 199 to go.  Okeh boys, go out to the truck and fetch the rest of the china.

Vicky: Ummm, Rosie?

Rosie: Yes?

Vicky: The rest of the china is in the back of the truck, right?

Rosie: Y-esss?

Vicky: Well, where's the truck?

B'onss: Don't be nuts, Vick.  Th' truck is right outside...uhhhhhh.  Hmmmmm.  Hey, K'nutt?

K'nutt: Y-y-yea?

B'onss: When we stops th' truck, didja set th' parkin' brake?

K'nutt: No.  I-i-i-i t'ought you did, B'onss.

B'onss: An' I t'ought *you* did, K'nutt.

K'nutt: W-w-well, where is it, th' truck, den?

[GRAMS:  Extremely loud and prolonged crashing sound in the distance, followed by assorted sounds of things breaking and bending.]

K'nutt: Ohhhhhhh.  Hey, Rosie?

Rosie: Y-esssss?

K'nutt:  I knows where th' truck is.

Rosie: Do you, now?  How observant.

Vicky: Well, at least you have one bowl, Rosie.  Not that it'll do you much good.

Rosie: Oh, I've got a use for it, Vicky.

[GRAMS: Sound of bowl being smashed]


Vicky (sighs): Fetch the broom and dustpan, Rosie?

Rosie: Yes, Vicky, thanks.

[Musical flourish]

[Full orchestra plays "When My Dreams Come True"]

[cut into music]

Harlow:  Your Standard of Rhode Island service station doesn't sell just Fire Cheetah, the super-premium gasoline.  You can find a full assortment of things to make your car run the way it should, from genuine Sure-SORI filters and spark plugs to Hydrofine motor oil.  And never hesitate to ask your friendly SORI attendant for one of the maps prepared by the Standard of Rhode Island Travel Service.  Or use one of our Certi-Clean restrooms.  Remember, when you see the sign of the Anchor, you know you're dealing with a restroom that's been inspected for cleanliness.  And it's the standard that applies all across the 3,000 service stations of Standard of Rhode Island from coast to coast.  So when you're on the road, don't worry, be SORI!  Standard of Rhode Island.

[Brief cut back into music]

Harlow: Featured in the cast tonight were Georgia Ellis as Rosie, Mel Blanc as B'onss and K'nutt, Bert Gordon as Nick, Franklin Pangborn as Calico, Bill Thompson as A. Cadbury Mouchoir, Bea Benadaret as Kara Karoksdottir, and Sara Berner as Victoria Knox.  The show was written by E.O. Costello.  "Joseph, Joseph!" is copyright Warner-Chapell Music, "When My Dreams Come True" is copyright Irving Berlin Music Company, and "Alone" is copyright Robbins Music Corporation.  Tune in again this same time next week over most of these CBS stations for another visit to "Rosie's Place," courtesy of Standard of Rhode Island.  This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

[Fade back into music]

Station announcer: This is K-N-X, Los Antelopes.  Stayed tuned for "The Mercury Theatre of the Air," and its production of "Julius Caesar."

Transcribed and edited by E.O.Costello
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