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Radio-play Transcript 
"Rosie's Place":
'Show 3: Stop, Look and Lousen'
Transcribed & Edited by E.O.Costello

Columbia Broadcasting System transcription

"Standard of Rhode Island Show"
Rosie's Place: Show 3: Stop, Look and Lousen
Sunday, September 25, 1938
West Coast Repeat Show
7.30 pm Los Antelopes Time

[Orchestra flourish]

Harlow Wilcox: Standard of Rhode Island, the makers of Fire Cheetah premium gasoline, present "Rosie's Place."

[Steel guitar plays "When My Dreams Come True" in Hawai'ian fashion under song]

Andrews Sisters:

Ever since I met you all that I seem to do is dream
Wonderful dreams
Heaven's before my eyes, when will I realize my dreams
Wonderful dreams?

The skies will all be blue
When my dreams come true
And I'll be smiling through
When my dreams come true...

Harlow: Starring Georgia Ellis as Rosie, with Mel Blanc, Bea Benadaret, Sara Berner, Bert Gordon, Franklin Pangborn and Stanley Adams, with the Andrews Sisters and the Raymond Scott Orchestra.  The Orchestra opens with "Page Miss Glory."

[Orchestra plays "Page Miss Glory"]

[Cut into music]

Harlow:  Policefurs know how important it is to have that extra burst of power from a car when you need it.  They can't have a car whose engine is clogged by impurities that some gasolines deposit.  What's more, they need a gasoline with punch, that can deliver speed on demand.  A recent survey conducted by a nationwide polling organization found that more policefurs use one particular brand of gasoline in their private automobiles than any other brand of gasoline.  Yes, for policefurs, the standard is Standard of Rhode Island's Fire Cheetah gasoline.  Fire Cheetah, the gasoline produced by Standard of Rhode Island's patented triple-hydrofining process, that leaves you with pure, clean-burning gasoline.  And Fire Cheetah has that high octane rating, so you know your engine can run as it's designed to run, for every ounce of speed.  So for the best in high-powered gasoline, don't be unsafe, be SORI: Standard of Rhode Island!

[Orchestra finishes song]

Harlow:  The nice part about the Spontoon Islands, is that they're small enough so that no matter where you are, you're probably where you need to be.  And if it's lunch time on Meeting Island, the place where most furs need to be is...

[GRAMS: Sound of telephone ringing twice, then being picked up.]

Victoria Knox:  Luchow's, Victoria Knox speaking...oh, hello Kara.  Say, you did good getting B'onss and K'nutt off.  I didn't think they'd get away with demolishing a paddy wagon with a cocoanut gun...yeah...so what argument *did* you use, the papers didn't say...unh-hunh...unh-hunh...the "dumb as two hods of bricks" argument...who testified about...oh, Sergeant Brush did...well, he's their older brother, he ought to...for two whole hours?!  Didn't the magistrate get annoyed?  Oh, he was annoyed when he wasn't laughing... yeah... yeah.  No, I haven't seen them all day.  You can imagine our relief.  Oh, you want a delivery?  Okeh... two chicken sandwiches with lettuce and tomato on wheat and two iced teas.  What?  Don't use Mooch to deliver?  C'mon, Kara, you know us better than...right, I'll give them to your clerk.  Okeh, Kara, g'bye.

[GRAMS: Sound of phone being hung up.]

Rosie Baumgartner: Kara's working off the trade credit, I see.

Vicky:  Yup.  I s'pose that sending a clerk over here is better than sending K'nutt over there.  Did you know last week he got lost crossing the street?

Rosie (sighs): It could be worse.  You missed what happened two weeks ago.

Vicky: Oh?

Rosie:  He wandered onto the San Francisco Clipper.  He mistook it for the Cross-Island bus.

Vicky: How'd he manage that?

Rosie: I never found out.  All I heard from K'nutt was that "I likes cocoanuts."

Vicky: Do you suppose a leash would help?

Rosie: I've known more than one guy in my time who could use a leash.  And a muzzle.

Nicholai Ivanovich Lopanearov: Ahhhhh....gooooooooot afternooooooooooon!

Vicky: Enter Exhibit A.

Nick: Ahhhhh-heh, heh...silllllly vixen.  Nicholai Ivanovich, is having question for Rosie.  What is it, that has white fur and beady little eyes, and skitters around on all fours?

Vicky:  You on your night off?

Nick:  I?  Nicolai Ivonovich Lopanearov am never being seen on all fours!

Vicky:  True.  One paw has to hold the bottle.

Nick: (sputters)

Rosie: Never mind that.  Nick?  What are you talking about?

Nick: Welllll, Nicholai Ivanovich is shelling walnuts for the walnut salad, yes?  Nicholai Ivanovich turn his back for one minute, and then...no walnut.

Rosie: Wait a minute...where were you doing this?

Nick: Right out back, near the big tree, and...

Rosie: Oh, NO.  Not that blasted squirrel again!

Vicky: You mean that cute little fellow?

Rosie: He *isn't* cute, Vicky.  He's a chittering, white-furred, red-eyed little pest.  I wish the customers wouldn't keep feeding him.

Vicky:  What have you got against squirrels, Rosie?  I mean, not the ones that walk on two legs and are matire d's..

Rosie: Eh, got nipped by one as a kitten.  It left a scar.

Nick: Hmmmmmmmmm.  Where is it, this scar?  Can I see?

Rosie (growls): In your dreams.

Nick: (giggles)

Vicky:  So if he's a problem, Rosie, get B'onss to fix it.  He's *supposed* to be the handyfox around here, right?

Rosie:  So I've been told.  Speaking of those two, don't care if they are Kara's brothers, they're not here in the next coupla minutes, they're getting docked.

Vicky:  Rosie, have a heart.  They don't get paid much in the first place.

[GRAMS: Garden shears]

Rosie: Who said anything about their pay?

Vicky:  ROSIE!

Rosie:  Okay, okay, their pay then.

Vicky:  'Course, that wouldn't hurt 'em much.  They still live with their mother.

Rosie:  Ever seen their mother?

Vicky:  Um...no.

[GRAMS: Deep, thudding footsteps]

Rosie:  That's her, now.

Vicky:  Hunh.  (strangled tone)  Rosie...is...she carrying...a WASHING MACHINE?

Rosie:  Yep.  In one paw, yet.  Looks like she's been eating her Wheaties.

Vicky:  (giggles) Wrong sponsor, Rosie.

Rosie:  Eh.

(GRAMS: Footsteps fade.  A faint yowling is heard)

Vicky: Well, here's the good Sergeant now.

[GRAMS: Door opens and closes with bell ringing, though nearly drowned out by yowling]

Sergeant Orrin F.X. Brush:  Awright, ya lil' pests, get in dere...!

B'onss:  Ow!  Ow! Ow!  Leggo my ear!

K'nutt (sniffs): We'll tell Mom!

Sergeant Brush: Oh, yez will, willya?  Guess 'gain.  While youse wuz in th' hoosegow, I had a lil' chat with Ma.

K'nutt: Uhhhh...ya did?

Sergeant Brush: Surrrrrrrrrrre I done it.  Guess what Ma's got fer ya when ya gets home...

B'onss: Oh, no...please, Karok, not dat...

K'nutt: Any'ting but...

Sergeant Brush: Yup.  Twenny-five pounds of durian t'fix up.  'course, dat's what yer gonna be eatin' fer a while.  (evil snicker)

B'onss: Aw, have a heart, Karok.  What we done t'ya?

Sergeant Brush: You means aside from tryin' t'take me head off wit' a cocoanut?

B'onss: Wouldn'ta happened if numb-brush over dere didn't try t'get it back after we loads th' cocoanut gun.

K'nutt: I likes cocoanuts

B'onss: Shaddap, I oughta...OW!

Sergeant Brush: Hey, Rosie.  I brung ya a present.

Rosie: These two?

Sergeant Brush: Yeah.

Rosie: Can I have the twenty-five pounds of durian, instead?

Sergeant Brush: Youse should be so lucky, Rosie.  Lissen, try t'keep dese knuckleheads outta trouble fer at least five minnits, wouldn'tja?  My ma only gots so much durian, y'know.

Rosie (sighs): I'll do my best, Sergeant.

[GRAMS: kitchen bell]

Nick (off-mike): Two cluck in a Kansas nest!  Delivery!

Rosie: K'nutt, you know where your sister is, right?

K'nutt: Uh-hunh.

Rosie: Where?

K'nutt: Th' Pacific Ocean.

Rosie: Thanks, K'nutt.  B'onss, deliver those two chicken sandwiches and two ice teas to your sister.  Take your brother with you, and try to show him the way.  Again.  And come right back.

[Musical bridge]

[GRAMS: Door opening, bell ringing, door closing, bell ringing]

Vicky: Oh, hello, Mr. Calico.

Cuthbert Calico:  Hmph!  Yes, well, good afternoon.  It is *exactly* 12.03...

Rosie: B-U-L..., yeah, I know, wrong sponsor.

Calico: Well!  I would not mind that mockery half so much were it not for that gigantic packing crate you have out there.  Why, it's causing a public hazard!  Section 24(j) of the Roads Act specifically...

Rosie: Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Back up.  *What* gigantic packing crate?

Calico: Good heavens, you can't possibly mean you've missed it?

Rosie: Nick!  Hold the fort.  I gotta check on something, here. 

[GRAMS: Door opening and closing, with bell]

[GRAMS: Two pairs of footpads]

Rosie: Jiminy, right in the middle of lunch hour...

Calico: Well, violations of the local ordinances know no clock.

Rosie: As opposed to bureaucrats.

Calico: I am punctual to the minute, my good lady.

Rosie: Especially when it's quitting time, eh?  I...holy smoke!

Calico:  Now, do you see what I mean?

Rosie: How'd they get the furshlugginer box *here*?  It's way bigger than a breadbox.

Calico:  Well!  Really!  If you can't keep track of your property, Miss Baumgartner...

Rosie: Who said it was *my* property?

Calico:  Well...

Rosie: You're jumping to conclusions.  Probably the only exercise you ever get.  But don't feel you have to start exercising just for little old me...

Calico: Harrumph!  The box...*is* on your property, Miss Baumgartner.  Do you know what it means to have a public nuisance on your property?

Rosie: You're having lunch here?

Calico: Now, see here...!

Rosie: Never mind.  Let's see, there's a label here..."If not claimed within ten days, return to F.R. Buckhorn & Sons, Fillydelphia, Pennsylvania."

Calico: Tinned oranges?

Rosie: If it is, we got a lifetime supply of fruit salad.  Let's see, where's the rest of the label...

B'onss (off mike): Hey! Yaaaaay!

K'nutt (off mike): Y-y-yaaaay! It's h-h-here!

Rosie: Hunh?  What is?  Look, boys, I know you're fond of durian...

B'onss: No.  We.  Ain't.

Rosie: Ixnay on the oceries-gay being delivered here, you guys.  I'm getting threats from Mr. Calico about this crate.

B'onss:  Yeah?  Well, if he wuz here, ya knows what I'd do?

Calico: Oh?  And what would you do, my good fox?

B'onss: Oh!  Er...*ulp* ah, say hello?

Rosie: Look, seriously, boys, what's in the crate?

B'onss: I'll tellya in a minnit.  Gotta get me crowbar outta me toolbox.

Rosie: Hey, wait!

Calico: Good heavens, don't rush so...!

[GRAMS: Door opening rapidly, bell jangling]

[GRAMS: Immediately followed by dishes crashing]

Vicky: Ahhhhhh!

B'onss: Whups!  Sorry, Vicky!

Vicky: You don't know what sorry is, you...just look at my uniform!

B'onss: Does I hafta?  Ev'ry udder fur does.

Vicky: (growls)

Calico: Now, see here, I...

[GRAMS: Sound of slide whistle, then loud thud]

Calico: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Rosie: Now see what you've done!  Vicky, is he all right?

Vicky: I think Calico landed on his head.

Rosie: Good.  A nice, soft spot.  K'nutt, clean up this mess.  Vicky, change your uniform.  And B'ONSS...!

B'onss: Yeah?

Rosie: Tell me, preferably in words of one syllable, just WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

B'onss: Me 'n K'nutt got a trolley car.

(long pause)

Rosie:  A trolley car.

B'onss: Yep.

Rosie: A REAL trolley car.

B'onss:  Yep.

(another pause)

Rosie:  Oy.

Vicky:  What she said.

Calico: (groans)

Rosie: That makes it unanimous.  B'onss, am I going to be sorry if I
asked WHERE you got a trolley car?

Vicky:  Probably.

Rosie: Call me a masochist, then.  K'nutt?

K'nutt: Me 'n B'onss s-s-s-sent away fer a Lioness model t-t-trolley car, Rosie.

Rosie: Oh?  And just how did you two geniuses plan on paying for this?

B'onss: We doesn't, Rosie.  It's all paid fer.

Calico: (groans).  I find that last statement to be unlikely in the extreme.

B'onss: Oh ye of lighted fait', as me brudder says.  K'nutt, tell 'em how we gots our trolley car...

K'nutt: B-b-boxtops!

Rosie: Boxtops.  Yeah, right.  How many?

K'nutt: Fifty t'ousand.

[long pause]

Rosie: Vicky?

Vicky: Yeah?

Rosie: Did I get hit on the head, or did Calico, just now?

Vicky: No, I heard 50,000, too.

Rosie: Where did you knuckleheads get 50,000 boxtops?

B'onss: Me 'n K'nutt been eatin' Buckhorn's Brekkie Bran.

K'nutt: W-w-we're reg'lar customers, we is.

Vicky: After 50,000 boxes of bran, I should think so.

B'onss: An' wit' two U.S. dollars, we gets a genuine Q scale Fillydelphia trolleycar, curt'sey a da Lioness Company.

Rosie: Does Harlow know all these folks are muscling in on the sponsor?

K'nutt: R-r-rosie, I cleaned up th' mess real good.  Can I g-g-go wit' B'onss t'open up th' box?

B'onss: Yeah, here's me crowbar...

Calico: Will this help get rid of the unsightly mess on th' property?

B'onss: That ain't gonna happen 'till ya goes back t'woik, buddy.

Rosie: B'onss!

B'onss: What?

Rosie: Open box, close mouth.  Savvy?

[Orchestra plays a few bars of "I've Been Working on the Railroad"]

K'nutt: W-w-wanna watch, Rosie?

Rosie: Call it morbid curiosity overcoming a need to watch the register.  You know, the box is an odd size.  And I've never heard of "Q" scale before.

[GRAMS: Metal on wood sound as box is being pried open]

B'onss: Unnnnh.   Unnhhhhh.  Yea.  Q scale.  Dat's a radio of, er...one t'one scale.

Rosie: *One* to *one*?!  You mean that thing's life size?

K'nutt: Uh-hunh.

Rosie:  Oh, heavens.

K'nutt: H-h-hey, Rosie? I gots a question.

Rosie: Yes, K'nutt?

K'nutt: W-w-what does "s-s-some assembly r-r-required mean?"

[GRAMS: Splintering sound as box door is opened]

[GRAMS: Sound of assorted metal parts falling out of box in a mighty and lengthy cascade, ending up with a few small parts clicking down the pile]

Rosie: That answer your question, K'nutt?

B'onss: Leave us not worry.  Dere's gotta be onea dem interstruction manholes in dis box...uh, somewheres. 

[GRAMS: echo effect]

B'onss: I t'ink...

K'nutt: T-t-this is excitin,' hanh, R-r-rosie?

Rosie: Get this scrap heap off the sidewalk, or I'll SHOW you exciting!.

B'onss: Eeeehhhh, don' worry, Rosie.

Rosie: Famous last words.

B'onss: Naw, I meannit.  I can git me brudder t' put in th' woid fer me t'borra th' parkin' lot at th' Constabulary.

Rosie: The parking lot?

K'nutt: Y-y-yup.

Rosie: Where they used to park the paddywagon.

K'nutt: Uhhhh, y-yup.

Rosie: The one you two wiped out with your cocoanut gun last week.

B'onss: What is youse instigatin'?

Rosie: Nothing.  Nothing at all.  Far be it from me to interfere with the relationship between the Constabulary and the citizenry.  Just have all of this stuff off the sidewalk pronto, okeh?

B'onss: Don't you worry none.  We'll be careful, won't we K'nutt?

[GRAMS: Loud clanging sound of dropped metal]

B'onss: Well, mostly we will...

[Musical flourish]

Harlow:  The Andrews Sisters, with Raymond Scott and his orchestra, perform "In a Subway Far From Ireland"

[Orchestra plays "In a Subway Far From Ireland"]

Andrews Sisters:

I met her, she met me
in a subway far from Ireland
Oh! what a ride
with a pretty girl by my side

I mistook for a lonely nook
a subway far from Ireland
far, far away
far, far away

Rumble, bumble, humble, fumble
bimble went the whee-ls
snicker-snacker went the crowd
they know not how it feels

I kissed her, she kissed me
in a subway far from Ireland
far, far away
far, far away


In a subway far from Ireland...


Rumble, bumble, humble, fumble
bimble went the whee-ls
snicker-snacker went the crowd
they know not how it feels

I have her, she has me
So we're happy far from Ireland
far, far away
far, far away

[Pause for applause]

[GRAMS: Door opens and closes with bell]

Vicky: Oh, hello Mr. Wilcox!

Harlow: Hiya, Vicky.  Kinda quiet in here today, isn't it?

Rosie: That's 'cause all the noise moved down the street.

Harlow: What do you mean?

Rosie: You can't have missed it.  Under the spreading cocoanut palm, the village idiots stand. 

Vicky: What a piece of work those goofballs are.  With a brain like a rubber band.

Harlow: Flexible?

Rosie: Thin and snaps easily.

[GRAMS: Distant clanging of metal, distant crash of metal]

Harlow: I'm surprised the Constabulary allows that.

Rosie: Rosie:  They're making book on an accident.  Current odds are five to four on a busted thumb?  Care to put some money down?

Harlow: Only for a cup of coffee and a piece of pie, thanks.

Vicky: Are you going to take a ride on the boys' trolley when it's finished, Mr. Wilcox?

Harlow: Heavens, no.  You know me, I'm a rare one for safety.

Rosie: Oh, you are?  She said with foreboding, knowing perfectly well a plug is coming up.

Harlow: Sure!  I'm safety-minded, just like any of the more than 3,000 Standard of Rhode Island dealers from coast to coast...

Rosie: Finally hit the right sponsor, did we?

Harlow:  Before any fur is allowed to hang up the Anchor, they have to go through a rigorous training process.  Each mechanic and dealer at a Standard of Rhode Island station is taught about the different models of cars on the road today, and how to keep them in good working order.  They're trained to spot problems *before* they can damage your car, even when doing something as simple as changing the oil or water.

Rosie: Changing?  Do they burp the car, too?

Harlow:  No, no Rosie, but you can be sure that any SORI mechanic *will* baby your car, to make sure that you get the most out of it.  And that doesn't just apply to repairs and service, either.  It also applies to Fire Cheetah, the triple-hydrofined gasoline sold exclusively by Standard of Rhode Island.  It's the gasoline that's pure, that leaves no carbon deposits on your engine that can damage it and reduce performance.  So, if you want to travel on the road with peace of mind about your car's condition, look for the sign of the Anchor.  You'll be glad, when you're SORI.  Standard of Rhode Island.

[GRAMS: Loud crash of metal in the distance]

Rosie: Is there anything in the Standard of Rhode Island training manual that would cover B'onss and K'nutt trying to build a trolley?

Harlow: It's a training manual, Rosie.  Not the Common Book of Prayer.

Vicky: Well, all I can say is, if those two ever get that thing working, heaven help us all.

[Musical bridge]

K'nutt: H-h-hey, B'onss?

B'onss: Whaddya want?

K'nutt: I gotta qu-question.

B'onss: Uh-hunh.

K'nutt: You sure dis t'ing s'possed t'have t'ree wheels?

B'onss: Are you questionin' me competence of me black t'umb, K'nutt?

K'nutt: But I ain't never seen no t'ree wheels on no car, B'onss.

B'onss: That's cause yer behind th' times, K'nutt.  See, dis is what dem eggheads call efficiency and streamlinin'.

K'nutt: S-s-streamlinin'?

B'onss: Sure.  See, iffen ya uses one less wheel, yer makin' a reduction a' fifty percent from usin' four wheels.  See?

K'nutt: Oh.  (pause) H-h-hey, B'onss?

B'onss: Yeah?

K'nutt: Iffen we get ridda all of th' wheels, mebbe we can save more.

B'onss: Leave us not be foolish, K'nutt.  Who ever heards uvva trolley wit' no wheels?

K'nutt: W-w-who ever hearda one wit' t'ree wheels?

B'onss: Lissen, you.  Don't you bandicoot words wit' me.  I gots a good mind t'take dis wrench an' tighten yer nose.

K'nutt: I'll tell Mom!

B'onss: Yeah, an'....

Squirrel: Chit...CHIT-irrrrrrr!

B'onss: Hey, K'nutt, whendja take up animal imitatin'?  Dat was pretty good.

K'nutt: I ain't s-s-said nothin', B'onss.

Squirrel: Chit...CHIT-irrrrrrr!

B'onss: Leave us not be modest, K'nutt.  Yer a talent wit' dat.

K'nutt: I ain't, B'onss.  *He* is.

B'onss: Who?

K'nutt: D-dat lil' guy, on dat tree branch, dere.

B'onss: Hunh?  Where?  Oh....OH!  Why, dat lil'...

K'nutt: Y-y-ya knows 'im?

B'onss: Certain I knows 'im.

K'nutt: All dem squirrels look alike t'me.

B'onss: Yeah, well I knows dat red, beady-eyed stare anywheres.  Plus dat nick outta th'ear.

Squirrel: Chit...CHIT-CHIT-irrrrrrrr!

B'onss: Yeah, an' yer anudder, buddy.  (pause) Dat's the lil' guy what lives in th' tree above Luchow's, K'nutt.

K'nutt: Y'mean th' one dat Rosie w-w-wants you should get ridda?

B'onss: Yeah, I...

K'nutt: How c-c-comes ya ain't got ridda it, yet?

B'onss: Now lissen!  I'm just bidin' me time, waitin' fer, ya know, th' right chance.  Believe me, K'nutt, dat lil' pest will know he's up 'gainst superior brain power when me plans get t'ru.

K'nutt: Well, I-I-I t'ink dat squirrel has got some p-p-plans, too.

B'onss: Hunh?  Why, dat lil'...hey!  Get 'way from dat roof. 

K'nutt: He's gonna j-j-jump onnit, B'onss.

B'onss: Shoo!  Shoo! Gettoudda here!

Squirrel: Chirrrrrrrr-CHITirrrrrrr!

B'onss:  Lookout!

[GRAMS: Loud sound of metal falling and parts rolling over a period of a number of seconds.]

K'nutt: Awwwwwwww.  Now w-w-we're gonna hafta start all over 'gain...

B'onss: Why, dat lil' snowball of a tree-rat.  I'll tan his lil' white hide an' make a paira slippers outtofit, when I gets the chance.

Squirrel: Chit....CHIT-irrrrrrrr!

K'nutt:  He's l-l-laughin' atcha, B'onss...

B'onss: Don'tcha worry, none.  I'll get th' last laugh on dat one, justchoo wait...

[Musical bridge]

Vicky:  I'm amazed by the progress the boys are making, Rosie.

Rosie:  You mean, no innocent passers-by hurt?

Vicky: Well, Sergeant Brush tripped on a loose rail this morning.

Rosie: Like I said.  No *innocent* passers-by.

Vicky: (giggles)  I'm wondering about those rails, though.  Where do they run?

Rosie: Well, they could run around and around in circles near the ministry buildings.

Vicky: Sort of like the ministries.

Rosie: Yup.  Both the trolley and the ministries run on sleepers.

Vicky: Seriously, though, did you see where the boys ran the tracks?

Rosie: Long as it's not to my front door, I don't care.

Vicky: They've run it down by the shore.

Rosie:  Ah.  Salt water daffy.

Vicky:  (snickers)

Rosie:  The Water Level Route.  You Can Scream.

Nick: All this talk of trains, it make Nicholai Ivanovich wary nostalgic.

Rosie:  Oh?  Why is that, Nick?

Nick: It is the many year ago, that Nicholai Ivanovich, he work on the train.  I was the head chef of the MPO and T.

Rosie: MPO and T?

Nick: Minsk, Pinsk, Omsk and Tomsk Railway.  We have crack train.

Vicky: A crack train?

Nick: Yasssssss.  No one know where is glue pot, so it stay crack.

Rosie: I see.

Nick: Neither the storm, nor the hail, nor the rain, nor the gloom of night, it stop the train of the Minsk, Pinsk, Omsk and Tomsk from running.  The train, it would always go through.

Rosie: Go through what?

Nick: About fifty gallons of borscht.  But we have it, the tradition, on the Minsk, Pinsk, Omsk & Tomsk Railway, that no matter howwww bad the situation, we find a way.

Vicky: Yes?

Nick: Yasssssssssss, certainly.  I am not forgetting the day we run the great river train.

Rosie: Volga?

Nick: Noooo, the conductor, he keep the fun clean, yes? So!  We are making the good time on the run, well all of the sudden!  Pooooof!  We are running out of the coal for the choo-choo.

Vicky: Oh, my!

Nick: Is calamity, yes.  The engineer, he know not what to do.  The fireman, he know not what to do.  The conductor, he confused.  So, they all turn to Nicholai Ivanovich, that is, myself in the fur.  And I, Nicholai Invanovich, I am knowing what must be done.  The wary great sacrifice, it must be made.  There is but the one fuel that Nichoali Ivanovich have.  He have the fifty-gallon drum of wodka on board.

Rosie: Vodka?

Nick: Wodka.

Rosie: Oh, pardon me.

Nick: Hah!  Is not problem.  So!  Nicholai Ivanovich, he roll the drum of wodka up to the engine, where there is the small flame still left, yes?  Nicholai Ivanovich runs a tube from the wodka, to the firebox, and make with the pumpy-pumpy schoooooooooosh, yes?

Rosie: Of course.

Nick: Nicholai Ivanovich is *thinking*.  The wodka catch fire, make the nice toasty fire, choo-choo go vrooooooom!  Is logical, no?

Rosie: Oh, certainly.

Nick: Now, Nicholai Ivanovich, he must stand back, so the fur, it does not get singey when the initial whoosh come from the wodka hitting the flame.

Rosie: Sensible, that.

Nick: Yaaaaasssssss.  So!  Nicholai Ivanovich make with the pump, he gets the roar of flame and then!  Welllllll, what are you knowing?

Vicky: What?

Nick: Is cheap wodka.  Some foul fiend had diluted it with, bozhe moi!, wassser!  The flame, it go up.  The flame, it go down.  The train, it go nowhere.  Nicholai Ivanovich, he has fail.

Rosie: Awwwww, that's too bad.

Nick: But Nicholai Ivanovich learn something in this.

Vicky: Yeah?

Nick: Yasssssss.  There is it, the time, when the flash is willing, but the spirit is weak.


Rosie: Nick?

Nick: Yassssssssss?

Rosie: Explain to me why I shouldn't punish you for that.

Nick: Nicholai Ivanovich's *handsome* visage, yes?  His face, it is his ticket.

Vicky: Keep up the jokes and that ticket's getting punched..

[GRAMS: Door opening with bell]

B'onss: Alllllllllllllllllll abooooooooooooooord!  Heh, heh, heh.

[GRAMS: Door closing with bell]

Vicky: Well, Rosie, shall we try our luck with the 13th Century Limited?

Rosie: Why not?  My life insurance is paid up.

[Musical bridge]

K'nutt: Y-y-y-y'like it, Rosie?

Rosie: As what, a piece of modern art?

B'onss: We've, ah, made a few improvidents on th' design woik, Rosie.

Rosie: Explain to me why you have the seats on the outside.

B'onss: So yez can enjoy th' breeze, natch.

K'nutt: A-a-an' th' sunlight.

Rosie: And if it rains?

B'onss: We runs th' trolley real fast.

Rosie: Oh, sure.  Speaking of which, how on earth does this thing run?

[GRAMS: Very loud ratchetching sound]

B'onss: Anudder few turns, K'nutt.

[GRAMS: Two more loud ratcheting sounds]

B'onss: Hey, careful wit' dat key...!

[GRAMS: Loud springing/boing sound]

K'nutt: S-s-s-sorry, B'onss.

B'onss: Gimme dat t'ing, ya lamebrain. 

[GRAMS: Loud ratcheting sounds]

Vicky: I thought these things ran on electricity.

B'onss: Yeah, well, dey does, normal-like, but ya sees, dere was an issue with the alternatin' current, see, goin' inta the transfermer box an' puttin' out insufficient ampeers dat made it very difficult fer a stable direct current t'be supplied ta th' switchin' box, producin' untoward effects in th' gearbox producin' an inefficient means of locomotion.  Forward *an'* backward.


Rosie: You didn't know how to hook the wires up, did you?

K'nutt: Uh.  N-n-no.

B'onss: Hey, we done a good job a' puttin' dis t'ing t'gedder.  Lookit, we only gots about twenny parts left over!  Not countin' th' broken bits, natch.

Vicky: Um, guys?  Where do those parts go?

B'onss: I figures dem's spares or such.  I don't gotta worry none 'bout dem t'ings.

Rosie: It's the first trolley I've ever seen without a bell.

B'onss: Oh, we got dat figgered out.  Hey, K'nutt!  C'mere!

K'nutt: Y-y-y-yeah?

B'onss: Lend me yer noggin fer a minnit.

K'nutt: Okeh.

B'onss: I just lifts th' mallet, an'...

[GRAMS: Loud train bell sound]

K'nutt: Heeeeee!  D-d-dat tickles.

Rosie: Well, that's a new one.  K'nutt using his head.

K'nutt: No, it a-a-ain't.  I cracks cocoanuts wit' it.

Rosie: Why?

K'nutt: I likes cocoantus.

Rosie: No, why do you use your head?

K'nutt: 'cause B'onss w-w-won't let me use his head.

B'onss: Yeah!  Certainly!  I gots me own cocoanuts t'crack, wit'out youse moochin' th' usea me head.

Vicky: That explains much.

B'onss: Leave us stop wit' th' gay banter, an' starts wit' th' inagural runna th' Meetin' Island Trolley Car Line.  Steps right up, ladies!

[GRAMS: Piece of metal falls off]

B'onss: Uh, real careful-like.

Rosie: After you, Vicky?

Vicky: Not on your life.  Riding on that thing is about as safe as gargling nitroglycerine.

K'nutt: Y-y-ya tried dat, Vicky?

Vicky: It's just a figure of speech, K'nutt.

K'nutt:  Oh, well, I likes yer fi...

Vicky: (growls) Don't go there, K'nutt.

B'onss: Heh-heh-heh...

[GRAMS: Sound of knife whistling in the air and thudding against the side of the trolley]

B'onss: Yipe!  All aboard!  Fast-like!  Lend me yer head, K'nutt.

[GRAMS: Two chimes of the train bell]

B'onss: Mind th' closin' doors!

[GRAMS: Sound of two chunks of metal falling off.]

B'onss: I said mind 'em, didn't I?  Okeh, we releases th' spring...an...

[GRAMS: Shaky clockwork sound, loud rattling sounds, sound of trolley moving off in fits and starts]

Vicky: Well, I'll be...they've actually got the thing moving.  Look, Rosie, they've got it...hey, what are you reading?

Rosie: The instruction and assembly manual.  Somefur might as well read it, I don't think the boys did.

Vicky: Anything interesting?

Rosie: I'm trying to figure out what some of these spare parts are.  Vicky, hand me those flat pads, right there.

Vicky: These ones?

Rosie: Yep, thanks.  Let's see...hmmm....well, according to this diagram, these things are part of the brake system.


Vicky:  Brake system.

Rosie: Brake system.

Vicky: Rosie, if you're holding part of the brake system, that means...

Rosie: The boys didn't put it on the trolley...

Vicky: Do you suppose the boys know?

B'onss/K'nutt: (loud yelling sounds)

[GRAMS: Clockwork sound getting louder and faster, combined with various parts falling off, leading eventually to a large scale whooshing sound, followed by a pause, then followed by a thunderous splash]

Rosie: They do now.  Quick, let's get down to the water's edge...

[GRAMS: Blurbing/bubbling sounds, eventually giving way to two sets of spluttering sounds]

Squirrel: Chit-CHIT-CHIT-irrrrrrrr!  Chit-CHIT-irrrrrrrr!

B'onss: Oh, yeah?  An' yer a...*glubbbbbbb-bub*

Vicky: Rosie?

Rosie: Yes?

Vicky: Shall I fetch a life ring?

Rosie: I suppose we must, Vicky.  And right after that...

Vicky: I know, I know...

Rosie/Vicky: Fetch the broom and dustpan.

Squirrel: Chit-CHIT-irrrrrrr!!!!!

[Musical flourish]

[Full orchestra plays "When My Dreams Come True"]

[cut into music]

Harlow:  If you like to travel, planning for your trip has never been easier.  The Standard of Rhode Island Travel Service is at your service.  If you send a stamped, self-addressed envelope, and an itinerary of where you're going, the SORI Travel Service will send you, free of charge, a marked map showing the most efficient route to your destination.  You'll also be sent a free guide to the best hotels and motels to stay at, and naturally, you'll be told where all the Standard of Rhode Island stations are on your route.  The route you travel is important, just as important as the gasoline you use.  And when you're traveling, make sure to fill up your tank with the pure, triple-hydrofined gasoline, Fire Cheetah, sold exclusively where you see the Anchor, at the more than 3,000 Standard of Rhode Island service stations from coast to coast.  Put yourself in our paws: you won't be lost, you'll be SORI.  Standard of Rhode Island.

[Brief cut back into music]

Harlow: Featured in the cast tonight were Georgia Ellis as Rosie, Mel Blanc as B'onss and K'nutt, Bert Gordon as Nick, Franklin Pangborn as Calico, Jackson Beck as Sergeant Brush, and Sara Berner as Victoria Knox.  The show was written by E.O. Costello.  "When My Dreams Come True" is copyright Irving Berlin Music Company, and "Page Miss Glory" is copyright Warner-Chappel Music Company.  "In a Subway Far From Ireland" was composed by Raymond Scott.  Tune in again this same time next week over most of these CBS stations for another visit to "Rosie's Place," courtesy of Standard of Rhode Island.  This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

[Fade back into music]

Station announcer: This is K-N-X, Los Antelopes.  Stayed tuned for "The Mercury Theatre of the Air," and its production of "The Immortal Sherlock Holmes."

Transcribed and edited by E.O.Costello
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