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Radio-play Transcript
"Rosie's Place":
'Show 4: Where Does the
Squirrel Hide His K'nutt?'
Transcribed & Edited by
E.O.Costello
| Columbia
Broadcasting System transcription "Standard of Rhode Island Show" Rosie's Place: Show 4: Where Does the Squirrel Hide His K'nutt? Sunday, October 2, 1938 West Coast Repeat Show 7.30 pm Los Antelopes Time [Orchestra flourish] Harlow Wilcox: Standard of Rhode Island, the makers of Fire Cheetah premium gasoline, present "Rosie's Place." [Steel guitar plays "When My Dreams Come True" in Hawai'ian fashion under song] Andrews Sisters: Ever since I met you all that I seem to do is dream Wonderful dreams Heaven's before my eyes, when will I realize my dreams Wonderful dreams? The skies will all be blue When my dreams come true And I'll be smiling through When my dreams come true... Harlow: Starring Georgia Ellis as Rosie, with Mel Blanc, Bea Benadaret, Sara Berner, Bert Gordon, Franklin Pangborn and Stanley Adams, with the Andrews Sisters and the Raymond Scott Orchestra. The Orchestra opens with "Plenty of Money and You." [Orchestra plays "Plenty of Money and You"] [Cut into music] Harlow: And speaking of money, are you making false economies with your gasoline purchases? Sure, there are gasolines out there that seem like bargains, but over time the damage they can do to your car's engine will add up. Carbon deposits mean that your engine is running far less efficiently than it should, and puts additional wear, tear and stress on the engine, leading to costly repairs down the road. Do both yourself, and your pocketbook, a favour: the next time you need a fillup, go to any one of the more than 3,000 Standard of Rhode Island dealers from coast to coast, and get a tankful of Fire Cheetah, the premium, triple-hydrofined gasoline that not only delivers more punch but burns cleaner than any other gasoline you can buy today. So when it comes to being thrifty and economical, don't be foolish, be SORI: Standard of Rhode Island! [Orchestra finishes song] Harlow: The Spontoon Islands are full of furs that are diligent, intelligent and hard working, folks who can turn their paws to just about anything, and you can be sure it's going to get done right. Then again, there are always the exceptions to the rule, like our friends B'onss and K'nutt, who can always be found at... [GRAMS: Sound of telephone ringing twice, then being picked up.] Rosie Baumgartner: Luchow's, this is... *yaaaawwwwwn* ...sorry, this is Rosie Baumgartner...oh! Hello, Fran-, I mean, hello Inspector. Yes, sorry, I didn't get much sleep last night. No, it was that squirrel again. Yes, the one that lives in the tree above the garden. What? He has a name? Ishmael? You...NAMED a squirrel. What? Uh, do I have a name for him? Several, but the sponsor won't let me use them...Well, listen, I know you're fond of the little fellow, but he simply has to go. Yes, I know he's only a dumb animal. He's probably STILL smarter than half of the Interior Ministry... Yes, I'll think of some way to get rid of him that won't hurt him. Okeh. Are you stopping by for dinner tonight? They're sending over an acorn pie from the bakery...okeh, I'll make sure your room is ready. See you tonight, Inspector. [GRAMS: Sound of phone being hung up.] Rosie: Nick! [GRAMS: Sound of double doors swinging] Nicholai Ivanovich Lopanearov: Eeeyassssssssss? You call Nicholai Ivanovich? Rosie: Yeah, Nick. Eighty-six the squirrel pie. Nick: Is disappointment, Rosie. Rosie: You're telling me! I was hoping to put the tree rat to good use, but he's off limits. Nick: Is reminding me of the speaking of which, Rosie, I see the little fellow this morning. Rosie: Oh? What was he doing? Nick: About 90. Rosie: Didn't know squirrels ran on Fire Cheetah gasoline. Nick: In his case, was walnuts from kitchen. Rosie: Heh. How'd the little...darling get in? Nick: You know screen door to kitchen? Rosie: Yes? Nick: The one with new screen? Rosie: Yes? Nick: And latchie to shut close good? Rosie: Yes? Nick: You leave open this morning. Rosie: Gnarrrrgh. Victoria Knox: I wouldn't sweat it, Rosie. That little fellow would figure out a way to get in. He's pretty smart. Rosie: Smarter than who, Vicky? Vicky: Welllll...B'onss and K'nutt, for two. Rosie: That's not all that hard, kiddo. Which reminds me, where's our resident brain trust this fine morning? Nick: Nicholai Ivanovich, he see them finish the taking up of the rail this morning. Rosie: Heh. Well, Big Jim Molehill can't do much with his trolley car in the middle of the harbour. Nick: Waaaaaalll, they may always give the tourist the tour of the harbour, yes? Vicky: Don't hold your breath. Rosie: Or do hold your breath. Vicky: Well, anyway, shouldn't we get B'onss to take care of the squirrel? He's supposed to be the handyfox around here. Rosie: Some handyfox. Would he recognize the pointy end of a screwdriver? Vicky: Sure. Family resemblance. Pointy ears, pointy muzzle, pointy tail... Rosie: Pointy skull. Nick: And speaking of the devil, here is B'onss, riiiiiight now. [GRAMS: Door opens with a jangle of bell, gets slammed] Nick: How do you dooooo....? B'onss: (long, prolonged growl) Vicky: Awwwww, diddums get up on the wrong side of the bed? [GRAMS: Whooshing sound, sound of knife hitting wood, quivering sound] Vicky: I'll be darned. You can teach an old fox new tricks. B'onss: I gots a notion dat dere ain't nothin' werse, den havin' t'work wit' me liddle brudder fer an entire mornin', wit' a buncha tools. Rosie: B'onss, I want you to catch the squirrel in the back garden. (pause) B'onss: Okeh, DAT'S worse. Rosie: Why? It's only a squirrel. B'onss: Yeah, like King Kong is only a monkey. An' what's more, he HATES me! Rosie: How do you KNOW the squirrel hates you? B'onss: 'Cause he just sits dere. Wit' his beady lil' red eyes. An' swishin' dat puffy white tail like some sorta matzohdor or somet'in. Chitterin' at me like, "Ho, B'onzo, ho." (growls) I hates 'im t'pieces. Vicky: I can't think why. You have so much in common. B'onss: (growls) Rosie: Now look, B'onss. I want you to get rid of that squirrel. B'onss: Permanent-like? Rosie: Unfortunately, no. You're not to harm it. B'onss: Not even in self-defence? Rosie: Not even for NATIONAL defence. B'onss: But, Rosie, dis skirrel's DYNAMITE! Rosie: Okeh, B'onss, that's quite enough. Just trap him and turn him over to Father Merino. He'll know what do do with him. B'onss: Does it involves onions 'n carrots? Rosie: Now, B'onss. How can you say such a thing? Nick: Ahhhhh, Rosie. Since you cancel squirrel pie, you would like Nick to give you recipe back, yes? Rosie: Shhhhhhh! B'onss: Neh. Gimme dat. It'll give me inspiration, it will. [GRAMS: Door opening and closing with bell noises] Vicky: Rosie? Rosie: Yeah? Vicky: Where's the first aid kit? Rosie: He doesn't get out of school until three. Vicky: Well, tell him to stop by the druggist and pick up some bandages. Something tells me he's going to have a customer... [musical bridge] Rosie: No. A. Cadbury Mouchoir: My good lady, I appeal to you as a sister feline... Rosie: I'm not your sister. Fortunately. Mooch: Ah, good fortune. Something, at the moment, that would be of even more appeal than a mere half-sandwich and a cup of coffee. Rosie: Now look, Mooch. I don't care if...Mooch, why do you have that bandage on your head? Mooch: Bad luck, my good lady. Vicky: What happened? Mooch: This was caused by a pie. Rosie: A pie raised a lump on your noggin? Mooch: It was less the pie, than its owner. They wished to dispute the adage that possession is nine points of the law. Rosie: Gave you the tenth point, eh? Mooch: Indeed. I was in hospital last week, which is why I was not here. They're very nice in hospital, you know. Three square meals a day. Rosie: Un-hunh. Mooch: Which brings me back to... Rosie: No. Mooch: (sighs) This is very hard on me. Vicky: Not as hard as that pie was. [GRAMS: Door opening and closing with bells jangling] B'onss: Right. Okeh, Rosie. I gots onea dem "mercy" traps, y'know, th' ones what ain't gonna kill th' little pest. Mooch: Oh, dear. I believe I must be going, now. Rosie: Relax, Mooch. It's not you. This time. We're trying to catch a squirrel. Mooch: Ah! I see. You mean one of our delightful Spontoon Albino Kaibab Squirrels? B'onss: Dey ain't a delight, lemme tell ya, dey're... Rosie: ...sponsor's listening, B'onss. B'onss: ...eh, I'll keep quiet. Mooch: My family has great experience with traps, you know. Vicky: Setting them, or getting caught by them? Mooch: Ah, my dear. There, you touch the matter with a needle. Around the time of Agincourt, one of my distant ancestors was faced with just such a matter. He was in Champagne... Rosie: I'll bet. Mooch: I was referring to the delightful region, my good lady, not its equally famous product. Rosie: I'll bet. Mooch: Ahem. To resume: my ancestor was around and about the countryside, on an undocumented requisition expedition. Vicky: Translation. Chicken stealing jaunt. Mooch: I use the official term, madam. In any event, he came upon a castle over which flew the standard of the Strathdern clan, our ancient Scottish rivals. There, in one of the windows of the castle, could be perceived a comely young feline, appealing for succor. Rosie: Appealing for succor? Mooch: Yes. Rosie: She had your ancestor pegged, all right. Mooch: Ahem. To once again resume: my ancestor, who by now had had long experience in war, sensed a trap. To bait a castle with a comely young feline lady of obvious high birth seemed to be an obvious trap. So obvious, my ancestor reasoned, that no one would fall for it. Therefore, it could not possibly be a trap. Which would of necessity lure somefur in. Making it an attractive trap. So attractive, it couldn't possibly be an attractive trap. Meaning somefur would go right in... Vicky: I always wondered why it was the Hundred Years' War. Now I know. Mooch: So, in any event, my ancestor eventually decided to enter the castle, and found to his surprise that the lady in question was quite unguarded. She was quite grateful, pouring him wine and dropping some most unsubtle hints, making it clear that a reward of the non-monetary sort was in the offing. My ancestor's squire was of the view that something fishy was going on, but his objections were waived aside. The rescued lady directed a servant girl to remove my ancestor's armor. He, of course, had no objection, while his squire made his excuses and fled the premises posthaste. The last piece had been removed when my forebear was fetched a rather severe blow on the head by the servant girl, who of course all along was an agent of the Strathderns. Unlike his squire, who had wisely taken French leave, he spent the next five years, until he was ransomed, pondering in a rather gloomy dungeon over the lesson that he had learned. Rosie: I'm afraid to ask. Mooch: Namely, that the wench can make a very effective tool, unless you've done a bolt. Rosie: Mooch, you may have a bowl of soup if you promise to keep quiet for the rest of the afternoon. Mooch: Most gracious of you, my dear lady. By the way, circling back to the matter of traps, may I ask, sir, what kind of bait you are using? B'onss: I figgers dat skirrel is gonna eat anyt'ing I lays out. I had some cocoanut meat handy, so I puts it in dere. Vicky: Waitaminnit. WHAT did you put in the trap? B'onss: Cocoanut meat. Why? [GRAMS: Sound of car horn going off three times] B'onss: Hanh! Got th' lil' pest already! Dat's th' signal I rigs up t'tell me th' bait's been taken. Rosie: Huh. Vicky, you thinking what I'm thinking? Vicky: Way ahead of you, boss lady. Rosie: Uh-huh. Well, shall we see what Buck Franks has brought back alive? Vicky: Wouldn't miss it for the world. B'onss? Mind if we tag along for your trap's triumph? B'onss: No problemo. Youse can see how *brains* will tell. Rosie: Oh, no doubt there. [GRAMS: Door opening and closing with bell jangling] [GRAMS: Three sounds of footpads] Rosie: Where did you put the trap, B'onss? B'onss: Lessee, I puts th' trap over by th' bins near th' tree, an' here we...HUNH? Vicky: Hee! Rosie: Hee! K'nutt: Uh. H-h-hi, B'onss. B'onss: K'nutt, whatcha doin' in dat trap? K'nutt: N-n-not much, B'onss. It's kinda s-s-small in here. B'onss: What th'...are you nuts? Whaddya doin', I'm askin', in dat trap? K'nutt: I likes cocoanuts. Rosie: (giggles) Vicky: (giggles) Ishmael: Chit CHIT-irrrrrrrrr! B'onss: Oh! So you t'ink yer so smart, don'tcha? Ishmael: CHIT-irrrrrrrrrrrr CHIT-CHIT-CHIT. Rosie: Why not? He's not the one in the trap. B'onss: I'll fix yer lil' red wagon, ya red-eyed, white-furred lil' pest, I... K'nutt: B-b-b'onss? B'onss: What? K'nutt: Kin I h-h-have some more cocoanut? B'onss: Awwwww, c'mon, ya dope. Let's go t'th' shed, an' figger somet'in out t'get that lil' guy. [musical bridge] Ishmael: Chit CHIT-irrrrrrrr! B'onss: Yeah, I sees ya, ya lil'...awright, K'nutt, I...'ey, whatcha doin'? K'nutt: Wavin' h-h-hi t'Ishmael. B'onss: 'ey! Stop wit' flattenin' wit' th' enemy. Look, ya lamebrain, here's a mallet. K'nutt: Okeh. B'onss: Now, youse knows what t'do wit' dat, right? [GRAMS: Wood on wood effect.] B'onss: Not ME! 'IM! Now lissen, I'm gonna chase after 'im, see? Ishmael: CHIT-irrrrr! B'onss: Yeah, you. K'nutt: Me? B'onss: No, him. Now, when I says "Now," smack 'im. K'nutt: Uhhh, w-w-when youse sez what? B'onss: Now! [GRAMS: Wood on wood effect.] B'onss: Whatcha do dat fer? K'nutt: B-b-but ya sed it. B'onss: What, "now?" [GRAMS: Wood on wood effect.] B'onss: OW! Ishamel: CHIT-CHIT-CHIT-irrrrrr! B'onss: What's th' big idea, K'nutt? K'nutt: But B'onss, I'm just doin' whatcha tells me. B'onss: But I ain't said "Now," yet. [GRAMS: Wood on wood effect.] B'onss: NOT NOW! [GRAMS: Wood on wood effect.] B'onss *NOT* NOW! [GRAMS: Wood on wood effect.] B'onss: Oooooooo! Gimme dat t'ing. Now lissen, *youse* goes up in dat tree, an' flushes out th' lil' stinker, an' *I'll* leave make wit' th' mallet, an' whammo! K'nutt: But B'onss...foxes can't climb trees. [GRAMS: Wood on wood effect.] B'onss: They does now. K'nutt: Owwwwwwwwwww. I'll t-t-tell Mom! B'onss: Yeah, yeah, sure-sure. After we gets... Ishmael: Chirrrrrrrrrr! B'onss: G'wan, get up dere. [Orchestra plays a pizzicato version of "A Hunting We Will Go"] B'onss: Well, ya sees 'im? K'nutt (off-mike): Yeah, he's h-h-here. B'onss: Swell. Now, flushes him out, 'kay? [GRAMS: Rustling sound of leaves and such.] [GRAMS: Wood on wood effect.] B'onss: HAH! Gotcha, ya lil'...hunh? K'nutt, whatcha doin' dere? K'nutt: Owwwwwwwwwww. I'll t-t-tell Mom! B'onss: I ain't interested in dat. I wants t'know whatcha doin' dere. K'nutt: Well, I had t'show Ishmael...dat's th' lil' guy... B'onss: I *knows*. Shows him what? K'nutt: I had t's-s-shows 'im howta t'do it, see. B'onss: What, he ast ya ta? K'nutt: Y-y-yeah. (pause) B'onss: Youse bin talkin' t'squirrels? Ishmael: Chirrrrrrrr-CHIT-CHIT. B'onss: I'm askin' HIM! K'nutt: Y-y-yeah. (pause) B'onss: K'nutt? I gots half a mind, t'gives ya half a mind, which would be havin' half a mind more'n ya gots right now. K'nutt: B-b-b-but B'onss... B'onss: Never minds. I'm gonna t'ink of anudder plan. C'mon. K'nutt: Shed time? B'onss: Shed time. [Musical flourish] Harlow: The Andrews Sisters, with Raymond Scott and his orchestra, perform "I'll Never Say Never Again" [Orchestra plays "I'll Never Say Never Again"] Andrews Sisters: I'll never say "never again" again, 'cause here I am in love again. Head over heels in love again with youuuuuu. I'll never say "never kiss you again" 'cause here I'm kissing you again. Just the thing I said I'd never doooooo. I walked away and said good-bye, I was hasty, wasn't I? I missed you so I thought I'd die It's all over now, throw my hat in the sky I'll never say "never again" again. Here I am in love again. Head over heels in love again with the same, sweet you. [Musical bridge] I'll never say "never again" again. Here I am in love again. Head over heels in love again with the same, sweet you. [Pause for applause] [Musical flourish] Harlow: Well, the boys have been told by Rosie to take care of the little squirrel that's been living in the tree above Luchow's. They're putting all their brain power into doping out a way to beat him. How do you think they're getting along? [GRAMS: Loud crashing sound.] B'onss/K'nutt: OWWWWWWWWW! Harlow: Yup, about as much as you'd figure. Ishmael: Chirrrrr-Chirrrrr-CHIT! B'onss: Awright, ya lil' tree-rat. No more Mr. Nice Fox! I'm getting me bird gun... [Orchestra plays ominous chord of "Listen to the Mockingbird"] K'nutt: I don't g-g-g-gettit, B'onss. How ya goin' t'shoot a skirrel wit' a bird gun? B'onss: Hanh? K'nutt: D-d-don't ya needs a skirrel gun? B'onss: 'course ya don't needs a skirrel gun! K'nutt: Oh. So it's r-r-really a skirrel gun, ya gots dere. B'onss: Yeah, dat's right. K'nutt: Whatcha gonna load it wit'? B'onss: Bird-shot. K'nutt: Dontcha n-n-need skirrel shot? He ain't a bird. B'onss: He's inna tree, ain't he? Same diff. Ishmael: CHIRRRRR-chit. B'onss: Oh, boy, just wait'll youse gets it, ya. K'nutt: Yeah, Ishmael. B'onss: Whaddya callin' him Ishmael fer? K'nutt: Dat's his name. B'onss: Youse ain't s'posed t'be givin' th' enemy names. K'nutt: But dat is his n-n-name, he... B'onss: ...told ya so. Listen. Be a good lil' brudder, an' loads up dis t'ing. K'nutt: Wit' skirrel shot? B'onss: Leave us not be foolish, K'nutt. Who ever herda puttin' skirrel shot in a bird rifle? K'nutt: But we w-w-w-wanna get a skirrel... B'onss: Lissen. Does what I asts ya. K'nutt: I t'ink yer wrong, B-b-b'onss... Harlow: Ladies and gentlefurs, I think this is a good time to talk about Fire Cheetah gasoline, the triple hydrofined gasoline. Triple hydrofining means that Fire Cheetah is a *pure* gasoline, one that won't clog up your engine with carbon deposits. And a pure gasoline is one with explosive power... [GRAMS: Loud explosion] B'onss: Owwwwwwwwwwwww.....! Harlow: ...providing your car's engine with what it needs to get maximum efficiency. And with a pure gasoline, you'll never have to worry about damage to your car's engine... K'nutt: Mr. Wilcox? Harlow: Um, yes, K'nutt? K'nutt: You k-k-knows a lot 'bout damage t'car engines, from sellin' F-f-fire Cheetah, right? Harlow: I like to think so, K'nutt. But remember, Fire Cheetah is how you *avoid* damage to your car's engine. K'nutt: Un-hunh. Y-y-you knows much about damage t'fur? Harlow: Whose fur? K'nutt: B'onss', Mr. W-w-wilcox. Sees, I puts some s-skirrel shot inna bird gun, but I didn't k-k-knows it wuz really f-f-fox shot. B'onss (off-mike): Yer gonna be sorry, K'nutt! Harlow: Yes, well, more highway patrol officers use Fire Cheetah gasoline in their personal automobiles that any other gasoline, which means they're SORI, too. If you want to be SORI, stop by any of the more than 3,000 Standard of Rhode Island service stations from coast to coast, and put the power of Fire Cheetah in your tank. K'nutt: Kin I borra a paira tweezers, Mr. Wilcox? Or, l-l-like, a real big magnet? [Musical bridge] Vicky: You know, Rosie, I could fix this whole problem in a jiffy. Just give me a few knives, and... Rosie: Vicky, I know you were the ace of the carny set in knife throwing, but the answer is still no. Vicky: Look. It'll cause less damage than the boys cause. Even if they're mostly damaging themselves.Ê Rosie: I know, I know, but it's just that I...well... Vicky: Lemme guess. The Inspector likes the squirrel, and... Rosie: Well, he'd be awfully hurt if something happened to the little guy. Vicky: Ro-SIE! Don't tell me you're going SOFT on the little treerat! Rosie: Well...uh, do you know what the native priestesses say about the albino squirrels? They say they're souls come back in another form. Vicky: Oh, come ON. When was the last time you saw a ghost dealing with nuts? Nick: Nicholai Ivanovich, his ancestral family home have many ghoooost. Rosie: Next question? Nick: Yasssss. Iss true. We subscribe, you know. Vicky: Subscribed? Nick: Spook-of-the-Month Club. Our faaaavourite, is being the Irish ghost. Rosie: Banshee? Nick: Gesundheit. Rosie: Nick? Nick: Yasssssssss? Rosie: Go away. Nick: Heee-heee! Nicholai Ivanovich, he go back to think of the more puns, yass? "The bellssssss are RING-gink, for me and my ghoullllllll...." [GRAMS: Double doors opening and closing] Vicky: Oh-oh. Rosie: What, Nick's coming back with another pun? Vicky: No. I see K'nutt toting a pail of something, out there. Rosie: I'm afraid to ask. Vicky: That makes two of us. [musical bridge] B'onss: Awright, K'nutt, didja bringgit? K'nutt: Y-y-yeah, B'onss. Th' fur at th' s-s-store told me dis was real strong glue. B'onss: Swell. Now gimmie. *You'd* spill it. [GRAMS: Light clunking sound] B'onss: Awright, K'nutt. Now look an' learn. Dis is how ya uses brains in an operatic like dis. See, I gots a big ol' door what ain't bein' used, see? An' I lays it down flat. [GRAMS: Loud clunking sound of wooden door being laid on ground] K'nutt: Okeh. B'onss: Now, I takes dis bucket a' glue... [GRAMS: Sound of brush being swirled around in glue bucket] B'onss: An I applies it, like so, all 'round th' door. [GRAMS: Sound of brush being applied repeatedly to the door.] B'onss: Dere. Now I wants ya t'pay real close attention, K'nutt. K'nutt: O-o-keh, B'onss. B'onss: See, I leaves a space right in th' middle, see? K'nutt: Okeh. B'onss: Dis is where I put a few choice wallnertz, see? K'nutt: Not cocoanuts? B'onss: No. K'nutt: I likes cocoanuts. B'onss: Yeah, but the skirrel don't. K'nutt: H-h-how you know? B'onss: I JUST DOES, OKEH? Now look, I puts the wallnertz in the centre of th' door, in th' spot what ain't got glue on it, see? Now. The lil' tree rat is gonna see the wallnertz. Dere ain't a skirrel alive what don't like wallnertz. K'nutt: An' cocoanuts. B'onss: Never minds th' darn cocoanuts. K'nutt: But I does, B'onss. I... B'onss: I KNOW! Now, leave us ponder dis stratergy. Th' skirrel sees th' wallnertz, he comes hippy-hoppin' over, an' gets his lil' paws stuck on th' glue. Makin' it easy fer me t' catch th' lil rascal. An' if I has t'slap him 'round a bit t'make him come quiet-like, who's t'know? K'nutt: But how come y-y-youse is on th' door, B'onss? B'onss: Dat, dat is th' price de resisters, K'nutt. See, by puttin' meself in th' patch what ain't got glue, right in th' middle, I gots what ya calls freedom a' actin' t'grab th' little squirt. K'nutt: Oh. B'onss: Dat's all ya gotta say, "oh?" K'nutt: I likes... B'onss (quickly): Never mind, never mind! Ishamel: Chit CHIT-irrrrrr! K'nutt: Hi, Ishmael! B'onss: Where? Where is he at, th' lil'...? K'nutt: R-r-r-right above ya, B'onss. Right on dat tree limb. B'onss: He is? Ishmael: CHIT-CHIT-CHIT-irrrrrrrr! B'onss: Well, he ain't gonna... [GRAMS: Small sproinging sound] B'onss: 'ey, what th'....OW!!! Gettim off! GETTIM OFF!! Ishmael: CHIRRRRR-chit! B'onss: GAH! Can't...see...lil' t'ings on me muzzle.... [GRAMS: Loud squelching sound] Ishmael: Chirrrrrrrr-CHIT! K'nutt: H-h-h-here it is, Ishmael. Ya wants yer wallnert? Ishmael: Chirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. K'nutt: Heh, heh. I'm sorry I-i-i-i don't got no cocoanut, Ishmael. B'onss: Whaddya doin', ya numb-brush? K'nutt: B-b-b-but it's his nut, B'onss, I... B'onss: (growls) Willya ferget dat stupid skirrel? He's got th' stupid nut. Now lemme up. K'nutt: (grunts) Unnnnnnnhhhh. H-h-hey, B'onss? B'onss: Yeah? K'nutt: Yer stuck. B'onss: Well, ain't you th' Western Union. C'mon, put some muskle innit, wouldja? K'nutt: Um...o-o-okeh. Customer: Oh, waitress? Vicky: Yes, sir? Customer: I'm wondering about this item on the menu, the grilled snapper. Vicky: Ah, yes sir. It's very popular. Customer: It is? Vicky: Yes, sir. Our customers rave about it. [Very loud prolonged scream by B'onss off-mike, accompanied by off-mike GRAMS of cloth ripping noise] Vicky: Um. That would be one of them, now. Customer: Never mind. I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich and an iced tea, instead. [GRAMS: Sound of door opening and closing with bell ringing] Rosie: So, Leatherstocking, any luck yet? B'onss: Dat stupid skirrel ain't seen th' end a me, yet. [Loud feminine shriek, accompanied by dropping dishes] Rosie: No, but I think Vicky just has. Vicky: B'ONSS! B'onss: What? Vicky: FOR PITY'S SAKE! B'onss: Hunh? What? Oh...OH! Geez, I *t'aught* dere wuz some kinda breeze t'deh. Vicky: ROSSSSIIIEEEEEEE! [GRAMS: Door opening and closing with bell ringing] Kara Karoksdottir: Good afternoon, Rosie. Good afternoon, Vicky. Hello, little brother. B'onss: Errrrr. Hiya, Kara. Kara: Carrying the native motif a little far today, aren't we? B'onss: Ha. Ha. Ha. Vicky: Kara! Get him to cover up!! He's scaring the customers, and I'm losing tips! Kara: Judging from his tailfur, I'd say you're not the only one who's lost a tip today. B'onss, if I asked you why you don't have any fur on your backside, would I regret it? B'onss: It's dat skirrel. Kara: Which one? There have to be hundreds on the islands, you know. Most of them look alike to me. B'onss: Dis one's a mean, crafty lil' devil, wit' beady eyes an' a squeaky lil' voice. Kara: Ooooo-keh, B'onss, been working in the sun without our hat again, have we? Rosie: And without sunscreen, looking from this side. Vicky: ROSIE!!!! B'onss: I'm tellin' ya, Kara, dat skirrel has somethin' dat I ain't never seen 'fore. Kara: Ah. That would be brains, wouldn't it? B'onss: I'm tellin' ya, Kara, it's uncanny. Dat skirrel... Rosie: Ishmael. Kara: Ishmael? Rosie: Ishmael. Nick (off-mike): Gesundheit! Kara: I see. This one has a name. Rosie: Courtesy of the Inspector. Kara: I might have guessed. The literary touch. B'onss: Yeah, well, I'm tellin' ya, I'm gonna get dat lil' white menace, iffen it's th' last t'ing what I does! Kara: Listen, just make sure the last thing you do isn't the last thing we all do, mmmkay? B'onss: Just you wait... [GRAMS: Sound of door opening and closing with bell] [Off-mike sound of loud feminine shriek] Kara: Ah. Reverend and Mrs. Bingham out for their afternoon stroll, right on time. [GRAMS: Faint sound of umbrella being slammed over skull, off-mike. Faint sounds of B'onss yowling off-mike] Kara: You know, I could look at that all afternoon, but I won't. Rosie: No? Kara: Kara: No. I'll have a lobster salad, an iced tea and a window seat. *THEN* I'll look at it all afternoon.Ê [Musical bridge] [GRAMS: Sound of insects chirping, and the pages of a book being turned.] [GRAMS: Sound of knocking on door] Det. Inspector Franklin J. Stagg: I'm in the garden! Come in. [GRAMS: Sound of door being opened.] Rosie: Franklin? Stagg: Over here, Rosie. Rosie: I'm sorry to interrupt your reading, Franklin... Stagg: No, it's quite all right. Did you want to sit down, here? Rosie: Well...that wasn't why I came here. Not really, anyway. Stagg: Oh? Rosie: Have you seen B'onss around, Inspector? Stagg: I try not to, Rosie. He puts me off my acorns. Ah! Speaking of which... [GRAMS: Slight rustling sound.] Ishmael: Chirrrrrr. Stagg: Hello, Ishmael. Look, I've got an acorn for you. It's all right, the lady cat won't hurt you. You can come here. [GRAMS: Slight rustling sound.] Stagg: Here you are, all for you...there you go. Ishmael: Chit-chitirrrr. [GRAMS: More rapid rustling sound.] Stagg: (quietly chuckles) Rosie: I don't see what you see in that beast. Stagg: We are brothers under the fur, Rosie. Both acorn eaters. Speaking of my brother furs, you were asking about B'onss? Rosie: Well, yes. As a matter of fact, he was supposed to be catching Ishmael. Stagg: Ah. My money would be on Ishmael and not on B'onss. It's hard to win a battle of wits when you're fighting unarmed. Rosie: Well, things have been awfully quiet around here since the dinner rush, and I'm a little worried. Stagg: The native is restless? Rosie: After getting clobbered over the head by the wife of the vicar, I'd say so. Stagg: Curious. One would think that's the area least sensitive to pain for B'onss. Ishmael: CHIRRRRRR-chit. Rosie: Oh-oh. Stagg: Hmmm. Where there's Ishmael, there's bound to be B'onss. I wonder where those two are... Ishmael: CHIRRRRRR-chit. B'onss: WHOOOOPSSS! UH...UH...AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! [GRAMS: Whooshing sound] [GRAMS: Loud sound of smashing glass and assorted breaking of implements, for a number of seconds] Rosie: (sighs) Off-paw, I'd say right above the greenhouse. B'onss (off-mike): Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. [GRAMS: Tinkling sound of falling glass] Ishmael: Chirrrrr, Chit-chit-chit-irrrrrrrr. Rosie: Someone should tell Ishmael it's not nice to gloat. Stagg: Indeed. Well, that's enough reading for tonight. Rosie? Rosie: Yes, Franklin? Stagg: Shall I fetch a broom and dustpan? Rosie: Please, Franneleh. And some iodine. [Musical flourish] [Full orchestra plays "When My Dreams Come True"] [cut into music] Harlow: Cars are complicated machines, and they require lots of care and attention in order to bring out the best in them. Your Standard of Rhode Island dealer has the premium triple-hydrofined gasoline, Fire Cheetah, that delivers the most punch for the dollar of any premium gasoline you can buy. But that's by no means the only thing your SORI dealer can provide you. When you see the sign of the Anchor, that's the sign of a service station that stocks a complete line of batteries, spark plugs, fan belts, oil filters, motor oil, windshield wipers, tire care materials and everything else you need to keep your car in tip-top condition. And you can be sure that these parts are top of the line parts, from the finest manufacturers in the country. At the sign of the Anchor, only the best is provided for your automobile and you. Once you visit a Standard of Rhode Island station, one of the more than 3,000 from coast to coast, you'll realize that in order to be safe, you should be SORI. Standard of Rhode Island! [Brief cut back into music] Harlow: Featured in the cast tonight were Georgia Ellis as Rosie, Mel Blanc as B'onss and K'nutt, Bert Gordon as Nick, Bea Benadaret as Kara Karoksdottir, Sara Berner as Victoria Knox, and Gerald Mohr as Inspector Stagg. The show was written by E.O. Costello. "When My Dreams Come True" is copyright Irving Berlin Music Company, and "Plenty of Money and You" and "I'll Never Say Never Again" are copyright Warner-Chappel Music Company. Tune in again this same time next week over most of these CBS stations for another visit to "Rosie's Place," courtesy of Standard of Rhode Island. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System. [Fade back into music] Station announcer: This is K-N-X, Los Antelopes. Stayed tuned for "The Mercury Theatre of the Air," and its production of "Oliver Twist." Transcribed and edited by E.O.Costello |