Spontoon Island
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9 November 2007
| "Valentines Dazed"
by E.O. Costello, M. Mitchell Marmel, & Walter D. Reimer All
characters © their respective creators
Chapter 16I, Carlos de Ciervos, have been of the thinking. Why is it that myself should let all the work be put in the paw of the other? No, no, no, no. This matter, it involve my beloved, my sweet little Inocenta. It is of the truth-telling that the hiring of the gumhoof, is proper and all, but it is the duty of the father to protect the reputation of his daughter. Of that, I, Carlos de Ciervos, am quite of the certain. So! I am thinking. If I, Carlos de Ciervos, were the gumhoof, what I do? I think. Si. We know that there is the limited list of the suspect. It is...gahhhh-pouf!...that hellion-puppy who is after the only suspect in the mind of Carlos de Ciervos. And I know these canine, the bad ones, they prey on the helpless deer. Hmmm. I must keep that thought to myself, or I, Carlos de Ciervos, will be having the bullet in the sweetmeats again from Heinrich. Hmmmm. What is it, that Inocenta do on this rainy day? Let us see. Hmmm. Si, she sit the demure like in the suite of the familia. But why she dress up in the stocking, the very shiny hoof, the pretty silk dress of the polka dot? Not even Consuela do that. And I am knowing, Inocenta and Consuela already have the lunch downstair. For why is Inocenta all dress up? This is the very suspicious. Do I speak of it? No, no, no, no. This is of the tipping of the paw. I must be the discreet. I shall write the letter at the desk, and keep the sharp deerie eye on the front door. Si. Is what Senor Buckhorn call the sound and statesbuck-like police. *****
All right. Why am I doing this? Why am I going out into the middle of a howling rainstorm, even if I am protected by an umbrella? Why don't I just stay at the Grand, and have afternoon tea there? It's not like Shepherd's has the only first-class restaurant on Casino Island. What does Shepherd's have that the Grand doesn't? Awwwwww, don't answer that. Damnit, I know the answer already. What the hell *does* Inocenta have, anyway? The first person who figures that out and bottles the stuff is going to be making money paw over fist. So, here I am, picking my way through puddles...of booze? I've heard of it raining cats and dogs, but never Haig and Haig. There's something about this island that's positively weird. Okeh, Les, breathe in, breathe out. You're not here to see anyone. You're just here to enjoy a nice light meal. It's pouring outside, so no one's going to see me, anyway... *****
Oh-ho! There is no the mistake! In all of this boomie and wettie and such, the Leslie-puppy, he come *here* to the Shepherd's. For his Inocenta! It make the heart go fast to see this of the gallantry. Pouf! To think that the Willow turn her nose up at this. More fool, the Fawnsworthy. Siiiiii! Is no mistake, he come here...oh-oh. Houmph! Papi, where is the papi? Inocenta do not like the sneakie-sneakie his is for making since he come back from the Honolulu. Inocenta make the...no, no, is no right. Inocenta already make the hurt on the wrist of Papi once. Mami forgive that, but maybe Mami not forgive Inocenta twice like this. Let us see...oh-ho...Papi think he very clever. I see him at the writing desk, but he see the front door. So! He see if his Inocenta make the depart. Oh-ho, he think he is clever, like the gumhoof of the Minkerton. Pfui! It will take more than this to frustrate the Inocenta. She is no never the frustrate doe! So! What I do? Hmmm. Ah! There is the radio, yes. What is it, that is on the LONO? Houmph. The tinklie-tinklie Pacificy guitar. It will must make do for this. Ah! Now this, this will cover up the noise, like so. Next, we make use of the telephono, like so... *****
*ring* *ring* "Allo?....Allo???...Allo? Who is there? Why you no answer?" *****
Hee! *****
“Pouf! If is no telefono call, operator, why you call Carlos de Ciervos? You are playing the April Fool, yes, trying to trick the ... the ... oh!" "Never mind, please forgive. I ring off now." Oh! So Inocenta think she is the very smart. I show my little flan that her Papi, he is still wise to her trick...is lucky that I, Carlos, have figure out the service stair for the quick exit, si. *****
Checking my pockets, I found that I was running low on cigars, so I stopped off at the stand in the lobby of Shepherd's. Now, you wouldn't think this kind of an act would be fraught with drama, but there you'd be wrong. It was a lucky thing for me that the stand had a large mirror advertising Havana robustos. Just below the depiction of the jaguar femme who was looking very robusto indeed, I could see an antler. Right below that, a very unfriendly eye and a twitching mustachio. The duck running the stand raised one dark eyebrow. "Come on in! Don't be shy. Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar." The antler vanished, but I knew I was for it, now. The wind had started to pick up, outside, which made retracing my steps not a good option. Oh, well, I could stay in the lobby. What could possibly go wrong in the lobby? I had to ask. Coming out of the stand, I could see off to the left, just out of the corner of my eye, a blue silk dress with white polka dots. Now, this would have caught my eye, anyway. Taken as I was, I can still appreciate the finer things in life. It was only in looking slightly higher in the dress that I realized who its owner was. Let's put this in simple terms. (Doe in nice silk dress and stockings plus shiny hooves) + (dog who, let's face it, was hoping to see said doe) + (suspicious daddy of said doe who'd already gone after aforesaid dog with a revolver) = trouble. I'd already made a display of myself in one hotel lobby, and I didn't intend to repeat myself. Fast action was called for, because if Inocenta spotted me and called out to me, the jig was up. There wasn't any question in my mind that her daddy would interpret any greeting to me as Exhibit A, and he wasn't going to be in any mood to get any more confirming evidence. It was going to be a fair trial before he hung me. So, I did what any self-respecting duCleds would do. I ran like hell. *****
OH-HO! The guilty party, he see Carlos de Ciervos, and he run! Well, you shall find out my friend that Carlos de Ciervos may be of the age, but he can still make with the deerie speed! View halloa! *****
What is this? Why Leslie-puppy run? Inocenta no under... Ahhhhhhh...wait. Inocenta understand. Is the rainy day, and the Leslie-puppy, he play the game! He want Inocenta to find her Leslie-puppy. Is silly, frivolous thing to do. Which is why Inocenta adore her Leslie-puppy. He so playful! It make Inocenta heart go tickie-tickie to think. Hmmm. Does Inocenta find her Leslie-puppy? Or should she let Leslie-puppy find her? Oh, the tactic, the tactic... *****
The good part about Shepherd's was that it wasn't that big of a hotel, so I couldn't get lost. The bad part about Shepherd's was that it wasn't that big of a hotel, meaning there were some significant odds that Carlos de Ciervos would track me down and catch me. He certainly could see me, and at one point, I heard an angry bellow and a stream of Spanish that indicated any muzzle-to-muzzle conversation I was going to have with him was going to be, as Reggie says, a painful and awkward interview. *****
*puff-puff* Ohhhh, when I catch this infernal cabron, there will be the sharp reckon! I know he is up to no good, and this, this is the proof! It is fortunate that I have come the prepare for this... *****
I kept doubling back, ringing elevators, and in general crouching behind assorted room service carts and the like. This would have been fun, if I were ten again. But I was not. And frankly, I hoped to live to see another birthday, which was growing more and more doubtful by the minute. If I knew my buck, and I thought I did, he either had Baron von Kojote with him for a bit of fun, or he was going to make his own fun in a special way. Unluckily for me, I was distracted by thinking of what was going to be done with me, and I found myself in a dead-end corridor, with the dread thump of hooves not far away. I decided to make the last stand, and balled up my fists to go down with colors nailed to the mast, when a paw gripped my muzzle and I was yanked off my feet... *****
What is this? Where he go? Oh-ho. This *&^%$# canine, he is the very good. He think he clever, and get Carlos de Ciervos to give up the chase. No. Carlos de Ciervos no give up the chase. Carlos de Ciervos, he does need the catch of the breath, however. *whew* *****
I was yanked into somewhere dark, that smelled strongly of bleached cotton. Other than that, and the paw clamped firmly about my muzzle, I didn't have many other sensations. Well, other than the prevailing sensation of fear. A voice came to my ear in the darkness. "Heee! You it!" If I thought I knew what fear was, brother, I was wrong. *****
Houmph. (*puff*)...this canine, he is the very clever. And alas, Carlos de Ciervos, he is no the buck he once was for the chase...I must think! *****
"You are very, very naughty puppy to run from your Inocenta, si?" My initial thought was that I was damned well NOT a naughty puppy, but a puppy who knew damned well his life expectancy was going to be very short unless he caught a break, suddenly. I did the only manly thing I could do. I whimpered. *****
Hmmmm. The buck-sense, it sharp. Houmph! Carlos, why you no use your nosie? Si! Is sensible! "Atencion! If you are hearing me, Senor du Cleds, I am smelling you!!!" *****
Oh! My poor Leslie-puppy, he seem the afraid. I feel him in his shakie all over. Well, maybe he shakie for the other reason, consider that his Inocenta have the firm grip on him. Hee! Inocenta is the worry, though, that her Leslie-puppy will spoil the game. Is no fair, he have the game, now Inocenta want the game. Hmmm. Ah! There is one solution, right to paw! *****
Si. Is the Minkerton thing to do. Make the examination of the carpet, and sniffie-sniffie. Yes, there is the canine paw mark on the carpet. Lucky it is the fresh vacuum. Hmm. the paw mark go all over. Ah! He is the scared of the Carlos de Ciervos. Is good! No much else, but the smell of the bleach, and the...hmmm, I did not know they have the steamed carrot on the menu here. Why they no tell Carlos de Ciervos this? *****
My mouth felt dry and cottony. There was a good reason for this, as Inocenta had shoved a facecloth into my muzzle to keep me quiet. As if I didn't have enough incentive. Still, I saw her point, so I didn't resist. The loudest sound I could hear was Carlos de Ciervos pacing outside in the hall, giving off the occasional snort and loud "Bah!" or "Pouf!" every so often. The second loudest sound was the pounding of my heart in my throat. The third loudest sound was something soft and light hitting the floor just behind me, and brushing up against my ankles, followed by two more similar sounds, almost inaudible. This was getting worse and worse. *****
Grrrrr! This is the frustrate. I MUST think like the gumhoof. Let us see. Hmmm... Ahhh! Carlos de Ciervos have it. He bluff and flush out this canine. So. Where is it that I put my knife... *shhhhhnick-CLICK!* *****
The loudest sound, in what I now knew to be a linen closet somewhere on the second floor of Shepherd's, was the sound of a deer tail being flagged. A deer tail that sounded alarmingly unrestrained. By *anything*. What the hell else could go wrong? It was at this point that there was a large slamming sound, and something sharp and pointy embedded itself through the door, the point coming to within an inch or so of my nose. *****
"ATENCION! IF YOU ARE HEARING ME NOW, LESLIE DU CLEDS, LISTEN TO ME NOW AND HEED ME LIKEWISE! I KNOW YOU ARE HERE SOMEWHERE. COME OUT NOW, AND YOU WILL BE TREATED WITH THE HONOUR THAT IS DUE THE GENTLEFUR! IF YOU NO COME OUT THE VOLUNTARY, AND CARLOS DE CIERVOS MUST FIND YOU, THERE WILL BE THE GREAT UNPLEASANTNESS!!! *****
At this point, I knew that making any sound or motion would likely spell the end of me, so I resolved to keep as quiet and still as possible. The linen closet was quiet. Too quiet, as it turned out, because it was then pretty easy to hear the sound of things hitting the tops of *my* ankles. *****
Errrrrgh. This knife, it stuck in the closet door hard. Heh! I still have the strength... Hmmm. Closet. Is it the possible...? *****
Talk about your mixed emotions. On the one paw...no, wait. That's not the phrase I want to use. Not right now. Considering the use paws are being put to. I had say, the mixture of sheer terror and, well...all right, I wouldn't be a mel if I didn't confess that there was something in this that reached back to the most basic instincts hard-wired in me. (And reaching back right now was sorely tempting, but under the circumstances highly dangerous.) But I had no idea how this was going to end. Or if I was going to end. Something that was made plain by what I heard next, whispered in through the keyhole. "Atencion! If you are in that closet, Senor duCleds, I come get you now..." I made a mental inventory of the state, and position, that Inocenta and I were in and decided that if I was going to go, at least I was going to go in style. Still, I resolved to make a noise like a cotton towel, and hope the old buck was bluffing. *****
Houmph. This Senor duCleds, he is being the very smart fur. He is the college fur, this I know. So. Is closet so obvious, that he hide in there, thinking that the closet is so obvious, that Carlos de Ciervos no go in there? Or does he have the thinking that it is so obvious, that the going in as the counter-action is so obvious that I, Carlos, do not so go in. Is a puzzlement... *****
Clearing my head and concentrating seemed to be the best option, but I found that thinking was becoming increasingly out of the question. In fact, increasingly impossible. *****
So. Is obvious hidie spot. So obvious to hide there, and ignore. The ignoring of which is so obvioius, that it make sense to hide there, which in turn make it no sense to hide there, which in the analysis final, make it the good place to hide. So! "'ey! What's goin' on here, den?" "What is this? Who you?" "Awww, dontcher recoknize me, Mr. de Ciervos? Or does I gotta flash me buzzer fer ya?" "Ohh. Ah. It is you, Senor Brush." "Ya wanna tell me whatcha doin' runnin' 'round like blazes 'round th' hotel, yellin' yer fool head off?" "I...aumm...houmph!" "Dat yer knife?" "What knife?" "I ain't in th' mood fer it. I've had a long, hard day, see? Th' knife dat's stuck in th' door. Say, dat's some blade. Lemme guess, Toledo steel, ain't it? Seems t'me only a rich Euro could 'ford a sticker like dat..." "Houmph. It is, as a matter of being, the knife of Carlos de Ciervos." “Well, lissen up. You take dat t'ing outta th' door, an' don't lemme catcha tryin' t'play mumblety-peg wit' it, see?" "But Senor Brush...!" "Don't you gimme noneadat lip, buddy. I'll run you in, sure as eggs, I catches youse playin' rough. Now beat it, see? Sheesh, high class joint like dis..." "Houmph!" "Button it!" *****
I'm not sure how long a period of time passed. Frankly, I was in such a daze I wasn't even sure where I was, or who I was. So I wasn't entirely prepared for a snappy comeback when the closet door opened up, and a paw reached into to flick on the light. I was confronted by the personage of Detective Sergeant Brush, who was holding the door to the linen closet open, and was looking at me, and Inocenta behind me, with a mixed sense of wonder and disgust. His jaw creaked open a few times, and then he shook his head. "Ah, ______ it. I don't need th' paperwork. Not t'day..." He reached for the knob, turned the lock from the inside, turned off the light, and slammed the door shut. next |