Spontoon Island
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25 November 2007
| "Valentines Dazed"
by E.O. Costello, M. Mitchell Marmel, & Walter D. Reimer All
characters © their respective creators
Chapter 21The brain-pan was working overtime to make sense of all the assorted facts I had gleaned during the trip. I wouldn't have believed that the trip was going to be educational in nature, but there you are. Still, it was readily apparent that I was going to need the input of an expert to make sense out of it all. Luckily, as I was thinking this over at the bar in Shepherd's, a day or so after we returned, in walked a chap with striped tail and striped trousers, both belonging to the eminent mephito-medico of the islands, and the chap who had once decreed that I stay away from Willow for six weeks after her funk last fall. I bought him one, and got his full attention. "Look, errr. I mean to say, I've got this situation, see, and I need, errr. Well, dash it, I need some advice." Meffit nodded at me over his G&T. "Well, errr, you see. I've got this, well, err, friend, see. She's been acting rather odd of late." "Odd, Mr. Buckhorn? That covers a lot of ground." "Well, err. Okeh. Do you think it's normal for a female deer to eat poi?" Meffit raised an eyebrow, and set his drink down on the bar. "Come again?" "This, um, friend of mine, she's developed a sudden craving for poi. And, I might add, in quantity as well." Up went the other eyebrow. "You mean a sudden expanded appetite?" "The appetite isn't the only thing that's going to expand, if she keeps up at that pace." "Well, there could be any number of explanations, Mr. Buckhorn..." "Errr. Well, there's something else." "Which is?" "This, errr, friend of mine, she was consulting with another friend over a datebook. I saw them counting off, and re-counting off days." Meffit reached for his drink, and drained it in one gulp. "Mr. Buckhorn, allow me to ask you a direct question: do you know what this means?" "Well, not really. Why do you think I'm asking you?" The mephito-medico opened his mouth once or twice, and something he was about to say got bitten back. Upon reconsideration, he rubbed his chin. "Look, Mr. Buckhorn, why don't you keep a sharp eye on...ahem, your "friend." If she develops...well, additional symptoms, give me a call." "Oh. Right-o." Meffit left, leaving Reginald neither wiser, nor even better informed. The bartender, who had been alert during the whole proceedings, poured me a triple of orange juice to help, as he put it, "stimulate the brain for a change." *****
"WHAT?! You can't be serious, Gordie." "But I heard the whole conversation. I was right there." "You *sure* of this?" "I've been a bartender for eleven years, sure I know what I'm talking about." "Jeez. Reggie Buckhorn's the last guy I'd suspect." "Aw, come on. You've seen his girl, haven't you?" "Yeah, that's true. Well, jeez. I mean, I'd suspect that pooch duCleds before I'd suspect Reggie Buckhorn. I mean, Reggie would need directions, and that piece of equipment don't carry a set." "Guess he didn't need none, hanh?" "Well, Gordie, I still think you're wrong. Lemme ask one or two folks I know. Mebbe they can set me straight." "Y'spose?" *****
"You're kidding. You've GOT to be kidding." "Word of honor. I was standing right here, right here at the bar. Got it straight from the buck's mouth to my ears. Well, the words were meant for ol' Doc Meffit's ears, but you know what I mean." "Yeah, sure. But how do you figure...?" "Lissen. When I hear a guy asking about a quote, friend, unquote, who is getting strange appetites, checking datebooks, and eating for two -- if you know what I mean -- it isn't hard to reach a conclusion." "Geez. He'd be the last guy I'd figure." *****
"You're kidding. You've GOT to be kidding." "Nope. Heard it from the bartender at Shepherd's, he was right there. Reggie Buckhorn was asking for medical advice for a "friend" of his." "Oh....a "friend"?" "Yup, you know how it is. I'm sure he couldn't say publicly, but it's probably that cute little doe over at the Grand..." "The one with the New Guernsey accent?" "That's the one." "What was he wondering about?" "Well, he was asking all sorts of questions about deer pregnancy." "Just like that?! Right in public?" "Well, Reggie Buckhorn is stupid, but honest. I mean, he's a straight shooter and all." "Well, thank heaven for small favors." "Doctor Meffit gave him some advice." "I should hope so. That buck will need all the help he can get. Honestly. He would be the last buck I would imagine that would do such a thing." *****
"You're KIDDING, darling. You simply HAVE to be kidding." "Oh, my dear, heavens no. I heard it from my husband, who talked with the bartender at Shepherd's, who was overheard the whole thing." "Oh, do spill it. What happened?" "Well! Let me tell you, it's simply shocking what happens these days. These young furs, it's not like it was when WE were young. Honesty and openness are two things, my dear, but..." "Skip the moral lecture, and get to the good stuff." "Don't be so *impatient*, my dear! Anyway, Reggie Buckhorn walks right up to Doctor Meffit -- you know him, he's that simply *delicious* skunk, the one with the clinic on Meeting Island. How he's still at liberty, I'll never know...anyway, Buckhorn walks right up to him, if you please, and tells him that he's gotten his girlfriend pregnant, and he needs advice." "Gracious!! Just like that?" "Different generation, I'm telling you. Well. Doctor Meffit gave him some good advice, I hear, about diet and calendar planning. Whether any of that will stick, heaven only knows. I think Mr. Buckhorn's maker was more generous down below than up top." "Oooooooh! Cheeky! Who is his sweetie, anyway?" "That little doe at the Grand, the one who is secretary to Mr. duCleds, you know, the chemicals heir." "Mr. Buckhorn winkled some other fellow's secretary from right under his nose! What a devil!" "It's the power of nature, my dear. Otherwise, he'd be the very last buck I'd suspect of being capable of such a thing." *****
"Just a touch of highlighting in the tailfur today, Phillippe. It's only a cocktail party, you know." "Oh, of course, of course! You know, you really don't need it. You look simply *fabulous* already." "Now stop it, Phillippe, you're going to make me blush." "Do you have reason to blush, darling?" "Oooooh, let me tell you who has reason to blush, Phillippe. You know that Reggie Buckhorn?" "Who doesn't, darling? Let me tell you, a few of my friends wouldn't mind a crack at him. Big, strapping buck. It's all that tennis you know." "Well, you can take him off your list, Phillippe, he's gotten a doe pregnant. Ooooh, careful with the bottle, I don't want a wide highlight." "Well, heavens, you could have knocked me over with a feather! How did you hear about this?" "Well! One of the ladies in my bridge club, she heard it from her husband, who got it straight from the bartender at Shepherd's when Mr. Buckhorn spilled the beans, right out in public, to Doctor Meffit." "There's another cute one." "If you say so, Phillippe. I have to say, I'm not at all surprised Mr. Buckhorn has got that doe in trouble, the way they were carrying on." "Oooooooh? What do you mean?" "Well! Let me tell you, there's no fooling me. I've seen those two snuggling and kissing and holding paws at L'Etoile..." "What, and Andre didn't stop them?" "Andre has other things on his mind, than stopping a pair of whitetails in obvious heat." "Oooooh! Cheeky! Well, I'm sure he would have stopped things before they got out of paw. Who's the girl?" "The secretary of Mr. duCleds, staying over at the Grand. I hear he's simply *furious* about the whole thing." "I can simply imagine. I mean, poaching in someone else's preserve and all that." "Exactly, Phillippe. Exactly." "Well! Fancy that! He's simply the last buck I would have expected to start such a delicious scandal!" *****
"Oh, you beast! You simply MUST be pulling my leg!" "It's simply all OVER the islands, you know. I heard while doing up Mrs. Lustra's tailfur at the salon today. I mean, everyone is talking about it, at the bridge clubs, in the bars, at L'Etoile." "Oooooh, L'Etoile! And what does Andre say?" "You know him, he's keeping his mouth closed." "More's the pity." "But I hear there's a secret dining room at L'Etoile. You know, one that only the suiteholders like Mr. Buckhorn have?" "I've never heard of one." "Oh, but there IS one. Anyway, Mr. Buckhorn is supposed to have lured the secretary of Les duCleds back there. And you can imagine what happened after the door closed." "Right there, under Andre's nose?" "So to speak. Not that Andre's interested in that sort of thing. Different strokes, different strokes." "Mmmmmmmmm." "Anyway, one and one make three, so I hear Mr. duCleds and Mr. Buckhorn had words over it." "Hee! Winchester Cathedral?" "Yes, and Dr. Meffit read him the Riot Act, too, at Shepherd's telling him what his duty was." "Mmmmmmm. I love a decisive skunk." "Beast." "Don't be jealous." "I'm not jealous. I simply can't imagine how a buck like that thought he could get away with it. Mark you, he's rather the last buck I'd expect to do that sort of thing..." *****
"NO! NO! *giggle* IMPOSSIBLE!" "Come on. How long have you been a waitress on Casino Island?" "But right there?! Under a table?!" "When the urge hits, you know, it hits hard." "*giggle* The voice of expertise?" "You're going to make me giggle, now. No, no. Andre -- you know him, right...?" "Yes. That frightful bossy boots in the bow tie." "You should look elsewhere. I always do." "Leave me out of your fantasies. What about Bossy Boots Acorn Breath?" "Well! Let me tell you! He broke things up, but not before the crop was sown, if you follow me." "And none of the other customers noticed?!" "Well, it IS Casino Island, darling." "So tell me, what was Andre thinking?" “I am telling you, and it wasn't Andre, but Les duCleds. Caught them right in the act. Les took out a gun, and threatened to shoot Reggie if he didn't do the right thing." "Jealousy?" "Don't know. But the entire Island is talking about it." "It's the slow season." "When a buck brags about stealing a chap's secretary away, and knocking her up, word gets out. You'll be hearing it no doubt at your tables." "Well! Now I know the truth." "Shocking, isn't it?" "Well, it just goes to show you that the rich are different from you and me. Still, I wouldn't have guessed Reggie Buckhorn for such a fast liver." *****
"WHAT? Naaaah, come on. On second thought, let me get my notebook and pencil. I gotta get this down." "Yeah, honey, you'll get a byline from Crane for sure if you break this one." "Okeh. Now. What's the word on the street?" "All the customers at the Casinos are talking about it. You know Reggie Buckhorn?" "Yeah. The guy who's been tearing up Shepherd's for getting on a year, now." "That's not the only thing he's tearing up." "Ohhhh, yeah?" "He'd had his eyes on the secretary for Les duCleds, the chemicals millionaire. He wasn't going to let anything get in his way, let me tell you, doesn't matter that this doe was the *confidential* secretary for duCleds, if you know what I mean." "Don't I, though!" "Anyway, Reggie lures this doe into L'Etoile, and right there, in between the entree and the dessert! Well, let me tell you, he had dessert early." "Didn't she fight him?" "No, poor thing, she was totally frightened of him. You know what a big, strong buck is like when the rut comes on. Anyway, he'd hardly finished with her when Les duCleds comes in, and sees what happens." "Just like that?" "Just like that. Reggie sneers at duCleds, boasts about what's happened, and asks what he's going to do about it. DuCleds pulls out a gun, but Reggie knocked him cold with one punch to the jaw." "One punch?!" "With all those hormones in his blood, would YOU stop him?" "Can't say I could. Jeez, they've hushed all of this up?" "Well, money has changed paws, I'll bet. That Buckhorn is supposed to be loaded. Anyway, he's been daring anyone on Casino Island to make something of it. He's already put Doctor Meffit in the hospital, when he tried to scold him." "Wow." "One punch, right in the snoot." "Thanks for the tip, baby. Hell, between Pickering and Buckhorn, ya gotta wonder if something's in the water, hunh?" "Yeah. Nice looking buck. Last guy I'd figger to be a predatory creep." *****
"What?" "I'm tellin' ya, Mr. Crane, it's the real deal. Everyone on the Island is talking about it." "I'm not." "Well, I mean to say..." "Do you know how much advertising F.R. Buckhorn & Sons places in the Mirror?" "Um. Nossir." "It's a lot." "Yessir." "Do you have your notes?" "Yessir." "Hand them over." "Ummm. Yessir." "And forget about everything you've heard. Is that clear?" "Yessir." *****
"Just shift your tail feathers over a bit, darling. Yes, that's it. Catches the sunlight better, don't you think?" "Truth-telling thou. L'yra-self gladness feel, L'yra-self tall outlander bird flatter same." "Ah, my dear. They don't have birds like you back home. Nobody cares here in the Spontoons about the love of my life. Nobody's business, but I'll tell anyone who has the guts to ask me." "L'yra-self blush, same hear love-talk." "Keep blushing. Red goes well with your green feathers." "L'yra-self preen feathers time passing sunrise for tall outlander bird of L'yra." "And I've noticed, my sweet." "L'yra-self hearing is many tales, tales love-talk." "Hmmmmmm?" "L'yra-self story odd hear marketplace two sun-deaths passing. Euro-creature with horns outlander love-union make, same creature with horns outlander feminine additionally small. Much existing words incident." "What, Reggie Buckhorn?" "Affirmative is." "Bosh, L'yra. I heard the same from one of my reporters. Someone's been filling his head with a lot of mindless rubbish. Chap wants to top the Pickering story. Well, I gave him short shrift, let me tell you." "Creature with horns outlander negative love-union make, conjunction creature with horns outlander feminine additionally small?" "Oh, I don't doubt it, my sweet. I've seen that doe. She's a rare one, all right, and if Reggie Buckhorn didn't make love to her, he needs to have his head examined. Anyway, I know they're engaged." "Query engaged is?" "Oh, sorry, L'yra. Um. Euro-Tailfastness pledge is." "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Heart-gladdening is. Sun-toucher, tell-thou L'yra truth: creature with horns outlander feminine additionally small fawn-bearing is?" "I'm sure there's some kernel of truth in it, L'yra. You know how these things are." "Hmmmm. Sun-toucher?" "Yessssss?" "Sun-toucher, L'yra respectfully permission-thou request: Sun-toucher L'yra allow have feast-gathering, creature with horns outlander, creature with horns outlander feminine additionally small, unborn fawn, celebration same?" "L'yra! Ah, you are a clever, clever bird. Of course, that's a splendid idea. Go right ahead, my precious, and spend what you like. I know you'll do it in good taste." "L'yra love-speak of Sun-toucher possession same emphasis." "Hah! You don't love me as much as I love *you* my dear, but you are more than welcome to try." *flutter of wings, liquid musical notes* next |