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31
January 2010
Warning: Mature Burlesque Humor
Radio-play Transcript
"The Four Fools" show:
'A Drain-ium on the Cranium'
Transcribed & Edited by
W.D.Reimer
Produced by: W.D.Reimer,
with material by: E.O.Costello, M.M.Marmel, & J.T.Urie
| Transcription
Service Rain Island Radiocast Collective "A Drain-ium on the Cranium” ZYPR broadcast, Thursday May 20, 1937, 2230 Seathl time Broadcast rights reserved [GRAMS: Sound of approaching rocket, rocket whooshing sounds with strange Theremin sounds and descending slide whistle] Announcer: Do you hear that coming? Who could it be? [GRAMS: Sound of the rocket smashing into the ground and exploding spectacularly] Announcer: Yes, folks! You guessed it – it’s The Four Fools! So put the liquor to bed, lock up your kids, and leave your daughters out. Oh . . . ah, wait, that’s all wrong – put your daughters to bed, lock up the liquor and leave the kids out? [GRAMS: Sound of metal parts clanging and tinkling in the background; sound fades down] (Theme: The Rubbish Tip Buskers play “The Old Comrades March” on Theremin and kazoos, producing weird effects) Announcer: The Seathl Distiller’s and Brewer’s Syndicate, who really need to lay off the sauce, by the way, presents “A Drain-ium on the Cranium,” a new episode starring the Four Fools. Sponsored by Pinewood Distillery, makers of Cougar Whiskey, and based on characters created by W.D. Reimer and E.O. Costello. (Music fades down) Announcer: The Four Fools, Alan, Bobby, Chuck and Dexter, having taken a tramp in the woods, are now lying in a ditch at the edge of town. Why they were taking a tramp in the woods is a mystery to us, but enough about Dexter’s social life . . . Dexter: (growls) Mr. Announcer Man? Announcer: Yes, Dexter? Dexter: If you weren’t under contract, I’d kill you right now. Announcer: (chuckles) That’s our Dexter, folks, nothing but one tired joke after another. He can’t kill me – I’ve got the key to the liquor cabinet. [GRAMS: Loud, sustained fart noise] Announcer: Pee-YEW, Chuck! Excuse me, folks – I’m headed out to get some fresh air! Alan: Don’t believe him, folks – he’s just going to go get stinko on Cougar Whiskey. Beat it, you horned nuisance! [GRAMS: Whooshing sound] Bobby: Good, he’s gone. But he was right, you know. Chuck: What about, Bobby? [GRAMS: Sound of tools on machinery, occasional wind-up sounds and whirring noises off-mike] Bobby: About Dexter’s social life. He does take tramps into the woods. Dexter: (growls) [GRAMS: Machinery noises] Alan: Bobby, stop insulting Dexter for just a moment. Bobby: Why, Alan? It’s fun! Chuck: Yeah, it’s the only fun he can have, since – Bobby: Watch it, Chuck. Chuck: I am watching it, Bobby. [GRAMS: Machinery noises] Alan: What are you watching, Chuck? Chuck: This machine I just built, Alan. Alan: What the hell is it? Dexter: Looks like a milking machine. Chuck: It’s a plot device. [GRAMS: Sound of lupine head getting hit, over the machinery noises] Dexter: That’s a stupid joke, Chuck! Chuck: So what if it is? It’s better than helping Bobby make fun of your night life, Dexter. Dexter: Hmm. Yeah, you’re right. Alan: So what does it do, Chuck? Chuck: Well, it creates a plot for this week’s show, and – Look out! [GRAMS: Sounds of metal shearing; machine parts start raining down; brief pause, then single note on triangle] Chuck: It broke. Alan: So, what happened? [GRAMS: Door opening; footsteps] Chief Syndic (David Casman): Gentlemen! All Four: Huh? What? Who walked in? Chief Syndic: I’m talking to you, you idiots. Dexter: Well, if it isn’t the Chief Syndic. Lend us some money, you miserly moose. Bobby: Yeah, give us some dough – or are you still tight with a buck? Chief Syndic: No, we broke up last week. Alan: So much for that joke, then. What brings you here? Chief Syndic: Well, the Foreign Syndic and I – Dexter: That the sweet little kitty trying to hide behind you? Chuck: As fat as he is, Dexter, you can hide an entire government. [Sound of lupine head getting bonked] Foreign Syndic (Melanie Haber): Shut up! Alan: Well, she’s a live one. Dexter: She’d have to be, Alan. Alan: Yeah, Dex? Dexter: Yeah. She wouldn’t be much use if she were dead, now would she? [Sound of vulpine head getting bonked] Foreign Syndic: Shut up! The Chief Syndic and I are here to tell you four that your country needs you. (off-mike) I kept warning them, but do they listen? Nooo . . . Bobby: Our country needs us? What for? Dexter: Picking up girls? Alan: That’d only be if they’ve gone unconscious after Chuck’s farted, Dexter. Chuck: Hey! That’s not fair! I picked up a girl just a couple days ago. Dexter: Was she unconscious? Chuck: What’s an unconscious, and how does one chat her up? Alan: (Off-mike) Folks, I don’t like the way this is going – and I WROTE it. Chuck: She was a cute little minkess. Dexter: Okay, I’ll play innocent this once, Chuck. What was her name? Alan: (off-mike) Wait for it . . . Chuck: Millie. Bobby: (splutters) Millie! Chuck! You been making time with MY girl? Chuck: Hey, she dropped you, didn’t she? So she isn’t YOUR girl anymore. At least, I didn’t see any name tag on her . . . Bobby: Chuck, as soon as we find out what our country needs us for, I’m going to kill you. Foreign Syndic: Now shut up and listen. Your country needs you because one of our scientists has gone missing. And, after careful consideration – Dexter: ‘Careful consideration?’ (snorts) That should have left us out first thing. Foreign Syndic: - we decided that you four were the best people for the job. Bobby: Meaning you waited until we weren’t around, then voted. Chief Syndic: Right. You’re not as stupid as you look, Bobby. (off-mike) Well, sometimes . . . Alan: So, one of our scientists has gone missing, eh? I hope it’s that cute Dr. Red Deer. She can drop that silly Rocket Rat and start going out with me. You know what they say. Chuck: What do they say, Alan? Alan: How the hell should I know? I was asking you. Chief Syndic: We fear that the people who took our scientist might want to use what she knows for foul purposes. Dexter: Fowl purposes, eh? I’ll bet she’s no spring chicken. Bobby: So what does she know? Foreign Syndic: She developed a device that will destroy all silk and cotton. (pause) Dexter: What the hell for? Foreign Syndic: If we use it on our enemies they’ll be forced to buy plaid from us. Chuck: Wait a minute. That’s cultural imperialism! Foreign Syndic: Better them than us, Chuck. Chuck: But we already wear plaid! Foreign Syndic: Right – except for our knickers. And I don’t want to end up wearing plaid there too. Alan: Oh yeah? What are you wearing now, sweetie? And can we see it? [GRAMS: Sound of badger skull getting dented] Foreign Syndic: No. The scientist is the eminent Dr. Beatrice Runamuk. She’s a taiga. Dexter: So someone’s got a taiga by the tail, huh? (crickets) Bobby: Another joke like that and we might be able to lull the Standards Office into a false sense of security. Foreign Syndic: Dr. Runamuk was last seen headed for Cranium Island. (Music: Ominous dramatic sting) Alan: Cranium Island? Dexter: But that’s off-limits! Chuck: We’ll end up under bell jars! Bobby: Or worse! Chuck: That’s right, Bobby. We could end up under Jill Starr’s. Dexter: Jill Starr’s what? Bobby: You don’t want to know that, Dexter. Chief Syndic: Guys, look. You’re the only four people in all of Rain Island qualified to go. Only you are impervious to whatever mind-boggling dangers that place has. Alan: Why? Foreign Syndic: Simple. You don’t HAVE minds. No minds, no mind-boggling. Chuck: She might have something there, guys. Bobby: I can tell what she’s got, Chuck, and it’s straining at her blouse right now. Look here, Lady, we do TO have minds. Why, just a little while ago I was giving Dexter a piece of my mind – Dexter: He’s right – and he has so little to spare. [GRAMS: Sound of vulpine head getting hit] Chief Syndic: Look, boys, we need you to go to Cranium Island and retrieve Dr. Runamuk before her secret falls into the wrong paws. Will you do it? (brief pause) All Four: (laughing) Alan: You’re kidding, right? Chief Syndic: I’m afraid not. Dexter: Yeah, we can see that. You never did have a sense of humor. Chief Syndic: Well, actually I do. Guards? [GRAMS: Sound of marching feet] Chuck: What this? Soldiers? Chief Syndic: Nothing gets past you, Chuck. Since you won’t go voluntarily – gentlemen? [GRAMS: Bonking sounds; musical notes G-C-G-E; sound of four bodies hitting the ground] Foreign Syndic: That was easier than I thought. At least none of them tried to look down my shirt. Chief Syndic: No, but Dexter is looking up your skirt. Foreign Syndic: (squeals) EEK! (Musical bridge) [GRAMS: Sounds of waves breaking over rocks, seagulls] Alan: (groggily) Oh, my aching head . . . Chuck, get off me before you – [GRAMS: Sour farting noise] Alan: (coughing) Fart. Dexter: (waking up) Good Lord! To have to wake up to that stench! It’s worse than waking up with Polly. Chuck: Who’s Polly? Dexter: Bobby’s last girlfriend. She had the pox, you know. [GRAMS: Sound of vulpine head being struck; splash sound] Bobby: Shut up, you oily-furred bastard! Chuck, how many times have we told you to stop farting? Chuck: Umm . . . Dexter: Never mind. You don’t have enough fingers or toes. What the hell have you been gorging yourself on now? Chuck: It’s a new diet, from Cipangu. It’s called ‘tofu.’ Bobby: From the other end, it smells like toe jam, not toe foo. Alan: Never mind that now. Where the hell are we? Chuck: Great Wolf Lake? Alan: No, it’s salt water. And there’s no hockey players to be seen. Dexter: Well, there’s a sign over there. Let’s go see what it says. Chuck: It probably doesn’t say anything, as it’s only a sign. [GRAMS: Sound of shovel hitting lupine head; sound of body falling with a splash] Bobby: That’ll be enough of that. Alan: That was awfully considerate of the Syndics to let you bring your coal shovel along, Bobby. Now, let’s see if we can find out where we are. [GRAMS: Footsteps on sand] Dexter: Oh, damn. Bad news, guys. Chuck: We’re out of tofu? [GRAMS: Lupine skull getting dented] Dexter: No, you idiot. We’re on Cranium Island. (Ominous musical sting) Alan: I’m afraid that, for once, Dexter’s right. Says right here on the sign: “Welcome to Cranium Island. Now Go Away.” Bobby: Well, that’s actually rather polite. Alan: It’s been put up by the Cranium Island Chamber of Commerce. Dexter: Wait, here’s another sign, under the sand. Hmm. “Fear the nameless horrors of Cranium Island!" Chuck: What are they? Dexter: What? Chuck: The nameless horrors. [GRAMS: Sound of lupine skull getting bonked] Bobby: They're nameless, you idiot. Pay attention. Alan: Or buy the tobacco cards. Collect the set! The one with the tentacles that smells like maple syrup is the hardest to find. Dexter: Did that get past the Standards Office? Alan: Looks like it. [GRAMS: Sound of bomb falling (descending slide whistle)] All: LOOK OUT! [GRAMS: Explosion] Dexter: Wow, that was close! The Standards Office is certainly up to date. Bobby: The blast uncovered another sign - "Beware of the Entity!" Alan: Just one of them? Bobby: Just one what? Alan: Titty. Where's the other one? Chuck: Ein, zwei, drei. . . . Dexter: Drei titty? Try baby oil. Chuck: Baby oil? How do you get that? Crushing them like olives? Alan: I suppose you could try, Chuck, but you wouldn’t like what comes out. Dexter: And you’ll go to prison. [GRAMS: Horrible wet splorching sound (gelatin forced through knit stocking) getting louder] Bobby: What the hell is that? Alan: How the hell should I know? It’s huge, black, and wet and slimy! Dexter: Sounds like one of your girlfriends, Alan. [GRAMS: Sound of Dexter’s head getting hit] First Entity (Cliff Dreiser): (voice through megaphone for echo effect) Excuse me. Do you know the way to the tea party? Chuck: Tea party? We don’t know; we just got here. First Entity: Ah. Well, okay then. I guess I’ll just eat one of you and go about my business. Bobby: Eat one of us? Why? First Entity: (doleful, resigned tone) It’s what I do. It’s my lot in life. (sighs) Ahh, me. It’s a hard life, but I make do with what I have, you know? Dexter: I suppose so. First Entity: So, which one of you should I eat? Dexter and Bobby: HIM! First Entity: Hmm. Well . . . eenie, meenie, miney, mo . . . [GRAMS: Vast, echoing slurping sound, followed by chewing and swallowing; very soft belch] First Entity: Tasty. Dexter: He’s eaten Chuck! Bobby: Better him than me. I have a lot to live for. Alan: Name one, Bobby. Bobby: Um . . . [GRAMS: Muffled fart sound] First Entity: Ooh . . . gassy. [GRAMS: Muffled fart sound, louder] First Entity: I’m afraid he’s not sitting well with me. Alan: Chuck never does. Sit well, I mean. Bad posture, you know. First Entity: No, no, I mean he’s not agreeing with me. Bobby: He never agrees with me, either. Very contrarian. Dexter: Is that a new religion? We’re certainly up to date in Rain Island. I can see the signs now – “First Contrarian Church of Rain Island.” Alan: “Where Arguments Are Fun!” First Entity: Oh, my. I’m just going to have to – [GRAMS: Horrible vomiting sound, followed by the sound of something wet striking the rocks] First Entity: Urp. Excuse me. I’ve lost my appetite, so I’ll be going now. [GRAMS: Wet splorching sound, receding] Dexter: Chuck! Are you all right? Chuck: (groggy) I think so, Dexter. [GRAMS: Sound of lupine head getting hit] Chuck: Ow! What was that for? Dexter: For ruining our new payment scheme! With you still alive, our pay goes down by a third each! Alan: Pick yourself up, Chuck, and wash off. We may as well go inland. Bobby: And follow the monster? Alan: He has some idea of where he’s going. [GRAMS: Footsteps] Chuck: Wait for me! Let me get this slime off me . . . [GRAMS: Splashing and spluttering noises] Announcer: Off you go, boys. (off-mike) If there are any more like that entity around, we might be able to free up this time slot. (clears throat) Dear listeners, while our heroes go off into the unknown, trackless wastes of Cranium Island, now would be a good time for a drink of that finest of liquors, Cougar Whiskey! Made from the finest grains and spring water, then aged in oak casks, Cougar Whiskey is a truly fine product! Get yours today wherever the excellent products of the Pinewood Distillery are sold! Alan: Hey, can we at least get some music while we drink? Announcer: Sure, Alan! In fact, here they are. Bobby: What the hell? Two pandas, an otter and bull? Announcer: Yes, Bobby. Nothing wrong with your eyes, at least. Your brain’s another matter entirely, though. We are proud to present the Bradford Glee Quartet. Chuck: Do they sing a capella? Dexter: No, they don’t know the words. [GRAMS: Sound of vulpine head being struck] Announcer: Ahem. Friends, Station ZYPR and Pinewood Distillery are proud to present the Bradford Glee Quartet. Chin Woo, Chin Wah, Ricky Gleason and Brad Nickerson, and they’re here to sing “My Lover’s Eyes.” Dexter: Is that the song that starts “My lover’s eyes are like the stars?” Bobby: What’s the rest of her like, then? [GRAMS: Sound of mustelid head getting hit] Announcer: The audience, dear boy, thirsts for culture. Bobby: Bollocks. Their thirst has already been accounted for, bottomless as it is. Pass the Cougar Whiskey. (Music: “My Lover’s Eyes”) (Pause for applause) Announcer: That was the Bradford Glee Quartet – Brad Nickerson, bass, Ricky Gleason, baritone and Chin Wah and Chin Woo, tenors. Weren’t they great, folks? These guys will be doing a concert tour later this year, so be sure to keep an eye out for them through the Musician’s Union! They might be coming to YOUR town! When we left them, our four intrepid heroes – (snorts) yeah, right – were heading through the wastelands of the dreaded Cranium Island, intent on finding the missing Dr. Beatrice Runamuk . . . Alan: Yeah, and getting nowhere fast. Dexter: Hey, Announcer Man! Announcer: Yes, Dexter? Dexter: We need more Cougar Whiskey! Announcer: Why? Bobby: While those guys were busy singing Alan got attacked. Announcer: And if I cared, that might mean something. What attacked him? Alan: A plant. Announcer: (skeptical tone) A plant? I find that hard to believe. Chuck: They’re telling the truth. It was a big plant, with vines like a squid’s tentacles as thick as your limp wrists – Announcer: Hey! Chuck: - and you should have seen what it did to Alan. Bobby: Too bad we can’t tell you. The Standards Office would have our hides. Dexter: You mean heads, Bobby. Bobby: No, Dexter, I mean hides. I know for a fact they got new skinning knives for their birthdays. Announcer: So we don’t know what happened to Alan? Chuck: Well, he did manage to get away, but he’s walking bow-legged and has a goofy – well, goofier – look on his face. Alan: You should see what the plant has. Almost tore my shirt off, and gave me a hickey. Announcer: Really? Let me – good grief, Alan! That hickey almost covers your back! Alan: It *was* pretty affectionate. Announcer: You boys be a bit more careful, okeh? Can’t have any of you getting killed. Dexter: Why? Announcer: The sponsor and ZYPR took out a life insurance policy on you. If you die, they collect – which will drive down the profits for the Basingstoke Assurance Company of Seathl. Hi guys! Bobby: All right, enough of this – let’s get back to the story. (sound of pages flipping) Ah! Hmm. Hey, look over there, guys – there’s a castle poking up out of the trees. Alan: Yeah, that’s what that plant was doing; poking – [GRAMS: Descending slide whistle; explosion] Alan: Damned Standards Office! Let’s go see what’s in the castle, then. Chuck: I hope it’s not a bunch of stinking aristos. (musical bridge) Bobby: Okay, here we are at the castle. How do we get in? Alan: Knowing you, probably with dynamite. Bobby: Funny you should say that, Alan my lad. I just happen to have – Dexter: You could try turning the knob. Bobby: What? Dexter: There’s a knob right there, set in a huge wooden door with a small brass sign over it that reads “Welcome to the Fortress of Doctor Nystagmus. This is the doorknob, Stupid.” Bobby: Dexter? Dexter: Yes, Bobby? [GRAMS: Sound of shovel upon vulpine head, sound of body hitting ground] Chuck: That was uncalled for, Bobby. Bobby: Why, Chuck? Better than me hitting you, isn’t it? Chuck: Hmm. Yeah, you’re right. [GRAMS: Ponderous footsteps, off-mike, approaching] Alan: Okay, guys, someone’s coming. Bobby: More like something. [GRAMS: Door unlocks and creaks ponderously open; a soft thump is heard, and repeated four times] Alan: Bobby! Move Dexter’s head out of the way! Anyone could see that the door opens outward. Bobby: Oh yeah. Right. Chuck: Hey, look! It’s the guy who ate me earlier! Are you the doorman? First Entity: Do I look like a man to you? Alan: You can never tell in these foreign parts, you know. I take it this was where the tea party was being held? First Entity: Yes, and you’re too late. We’re all out of ice cream. Dexter: (groggily) Is there any ice? I could use an icepack – I have a splitting headache. First Entity: You’ll want to see Professor Grymboldth for that. He’s handy with a bone saw. Bobby: So can we come in? First Entity: Even though I don’t have any eyes, I don’t see why not. Come on in. The bar’s off to the right. Alan: A bar? Do they have Cougar Whiskey? First Entity: Well, they have something made out of cougars – you might want to ask first. [GRAMS: Footsteps, echoing, door closing behind them and closing with a clang] (Soft chamber music, off-mike) [GRAMS: Sounds of people moving around, talking; sound of glasses clinking] Prof. Gonzalez (Alvin Bradshaw): Hey! Watch where are you going, you strange marten! Chuck: Watch where you’re going, Bobby. You almost stepped on that short Mixtecan canine. Bobby: Is it MY fault he’s short? Chuck: No, not really. I’m going to go get some lunch. Bobby: So, Shorty, what are you doing here on Cranium Island? Prof. Gonzalez: Shorty? Shorty! Hah! I am Professor Eugencio Alvarado Gonzalez y Baumhoffer, a scientist specializing in experimental rockets! Dexter: Why is it experimental? Prof. Gonzalez: We need a powerful source of high-temperature gaseous exhaust to power my rocket. Alan: That’s no problem. Chuck! Get over here! Chuck: What? Can't I finish my lunch? You guys never let me finish my lunch. Dexter: That’s just sheer self-preservation. Alan: Keep eating; it'll replenish the supply. Chuck: Okeh. Can I have some refried beans? Prof. Gonzalez: Better yet! You can have bean burritos, with salsa! Chuck: Oh, great! Dexter: (off-mike) “Dear League of Nations . . . “ Alan: So listen here, Professor – we provide you with a source of high-explosive fuel in the form of Chuck’s lupine gasworks, and you split the profits from your little venture with us, okay? Bobby: Alan, have you forgotten why we’re here? Alan: In a manner of speaking, yes. Bobby: Well, let me remind you. [GRAMS: Sound of coal shovel on badger skull] Alan: Thanks, Bobby. I needed that. Guys, we have to find Dr. Runamuk! Dr. Runamuk (Betty Jo Bialowski): What? Dexter: Are you Dr. Beatrice Runamuk? Dr. Runamuk: Who wants to know? Dexter: Maybe I do? Dr. Runamuk: Who are you? Dexter: Aren’t you supposed to be safely on Rain Island? Dr. Runamuk: Can I help it that I was bored, and had a government grant to use up? Dexter: What nefarious scheme are you cooking up? Dr. Runamuk: What’s it to you, you naughty fox? Alan: Dexter? Dexter: What, Alan? [GRAMS: Sound of vulpine head getting dented] Alan: Stop with the Question Game, please. You’re giving all of us a headache. Now, Dr. Runamuk, we are here to bring you back to Rain Island. Dr. Runamuk: I don’t want to go. I’m staying here with the Evil Professor Nystagmus. Chuck: Is he evil? Dr. Runamuk: No, around here that’s just a job title. Yoo hoo, Adalbert! Bobby: (starts laughing) Adalbert! Who names their son Adalbert? Dr. Nystagmus (Anselmo Pederazy): That would be my father, Professor Adalbert Nystagmus, Senior. Who named you, you grimy marten? Chuck: His mother named him – she thinks. [GRAMS: Sound of lupine head being struck; fart sound] Dr. Gonzalez: No! Don’t fart, Chuck! At least hold it in while I set up my collection apparatus! Chuck: What kind of collection apparatus? Dr. Gonzalez: This. [GRAMS: Ascending slide whistle, followed by bell sound] Chuck: OWW! Dexter: Look, Dr. Runamuk, we have to get you back home. Your invention can’t be allowed to fall into the wrong paws. Dr. Runamuk: Why not? Dexter: Think of all of the innocent femmefurs of Rain Island who would be victims of this dread weapon! Bobby: What, both of them? Chuck (voice sounding strained): What are they innocent of? Alan: This show, for starters. Dexter: They prefer a good, uplifting book. Chuck: How does a book have uplift? Bobby: Like this. [GRAMS: *BONK*] Chuck: Bobby, you lied! That's downlift. Dexter: He’s right. *This* is uplift. [GRAMS: *KNOB*] Bobby: Ooh, nice uppercut, Dexter. Alan: One of 'em's – the innocent femmes, for the sake of anyone actually paying attention - is a marmot. Any book she can climb up on is an uplifting experience. Bobby: Is she a school marmot? Dexter: Better yet, is she a schoolgirl marmot, with plaid skirt? Alan: In Rain Island, nearly everyone wears a plaid skirt. Chuck: Speak for yourself. Alan: I've seen your closet, and I am speaking for you. Bobby: Chuck prefers skirts. Chuck: Well, there’s less blockage. And they’re not skirts, they’re kilts. Alan: I would think blockage is the least of your worries. Dexter: And why do you wear kilts? Chuck: I am part Scotch. Bobby: And part soda, too - really gassy. Dexter: His mama was soda? Alan: Yes, and his Dada was surrealistic. Announcer: I would like to interrupt this show to point out the rarity of a high-brow joke being used. We now return you to the Four Fools in the gutter. Bobby: Clear out, you! [GRAMS: Whooshing sound] Dr. Nystagmus: Dr. Runamuk and I are going to get married. Dexter: What! A tiger and a taiga, getting married? Dr. Nystagmus: Well, I haven’t had it in weeks. Alan: As fat as you two are, I’ll just bet you’re both probably randy as hell. But I have to ask, how on earth would you ever be able to mate with your wife? Anyone skilled in planar geometry can tell you about the contact area between two circles. Chuck: Yeah. Dancing with either of them would be like docking the Queen Mary. Dexter: You'd be lucky if you could dock a toy boat. Chuck: I'll thank you to stay out of the bathroom during my shower. [GRAMS: Rumbling noises, soft but slowly growing louder] Alan: What’s that noise? An earthquake? Chuck: (strained voice) No . . . Dr. Gonzalez: Beware! He’s overloading! Dr. Octer (Cliff Dreiser): Dr. Gonzalez has stolen my idea! Dr. Gonzalez: You LIAR, Dr. Octer! Dexter: What’s this all about? Dr. Octer: I, too, am preparing a diabolical weapon that will project a deadly gas over the entire Earth, suffocating everyone. Bobby: Big deal, you silly eagle. We’ve had the prototype for years. [GRAMS: Rumbling noises, growing louder] Dr. Octer: In that case, I rest easy knowing that I still have my XPG-110! Alan: And what’s that when it’s at home? Dr. Octer: It’s a device that allows avians like myself to have clean and disease-free beaks! I’ll make a fortune! Bobby: So, it’s a . . . ALL: Pecker checker. (crickets) [GRAMS: Rumbling noises, louder] Dexter: What the hell is that noise? Dr. Gonzalez: The relief valve is stuck! [GRAMS: Rumbling noises reach a crescendo] ALL: LOOK OUT! [GRAMS: Sound of explosion mixed with fart sound] ALL: (groaning) Alan: Pee-YEW, Chuck! No more burritos for you! Chuck: I wish I had some absinthe about now. Bobby: Why? Chuck: Well, it’s a digestive, you know. And you know what they say - absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. Dexter: No, absinthe makes anyone who hears tired jokes do this. [GRAMS: BONK!] Dr. Nystagmus: Where is my lab assistant? Trixie! (whistles like he’s calling a dog) Here, girl! Dexter: Great Tapdancing Succubi! Bobby: You didn't tell us you've been here before, Dexter! Dexter: I haven’t – but will you look at that doe? Good Lord, is she ever stacked! Bobby: Yeah, and that lab coat isn’t hiding much. Dr. Nystagmus: Great view, eh? Alan: What kind of injections did you give your lab assistant to make her look like that? Dr. Nystagmus: Is the Standards Office listening? Alan: Yes, damn it. Dr. Nystagmus: Then it's top-secret. But I've got postcards I'll sell you for a good price. Dr. Runamuk: Adalbert! You didn’t say you had a lab assistant. Dr. Nystagmus: I’m sorry, Beatrice. You never asked. Trixie is here to tell me that my Death Ray is ready for testing. Good girl, Trixie; after you clean up this mess you can go to my room. Bobby: Bloody hell. What this world really needs is a 5-cent beer that will get you drunk faster and make ugly femmefurs look good. Stuff your ray guns, work on that, and I'm with you. Dr. Nystagmus: Not you, you marten. Bobby: Why not? Dr. Nystagmus: You’re not my type. Bobby: (off-mike) And you have no idea how grateful I am about *that*, you jiggly-eyed tiger. Chuck: Does Dr. Nystagmus have jiggly eyes, Bobby? Bobby: Sure! Just look, Chuck. The rest of his head stays perfectly still while his eyes wiggle like gelatin. It’s enough to make you nauseous. I’m SO glad I’m not his type! Dr. Nystagmus: (off-mike) You don’t know what you’re missing. (aloud) Anyway. (claps paws) Trixie! Go back to the lab and aim the Death Ray at Spontoon! [GRAMS: Soft jingling noises] Alan: You know, I could *swear* I just heard her jingle when she turned around. Dr. Nystagmus: Oh, that's her tracking devices. Bobby: Tracking devices? Dr. Nystagmus: Sure! What, you think I want her to get away? I call it invisible fencing. Dexter: Twit. Why don't you use invisible clothing? Dr. Nystagmus: And reveal all my secrets? Chuck: Hang on just a minute. Alan: Chuck, we don’t have time to waste while you pull up your pants. Didn’t you hear him? He’s going to shoot Spontoon with his Death Ray! (Ominous musical chord) Bobby: (threatening tone) Bandleader . . . Alan: Why are you going to destroy Spontoon? Dr. Nystagmus: I ordered salmon at Luchow’s once, and it was underdone. First Entity: Excuse me, Dr. Nystagmus? Dr. Nystagmus: Yes, (gibberish sound)? First Entity: We’re almost out of canapés, and your guests are starting to look appetizing to me. Well, all but these four here. Dexter: Hey, Dr. Shifty Eyes, why’d you call him (gibberish sound)? Dr. Nystagmus: That’s his name. Dexter: Well, I can’t pronounce (gibberish sound) very well, so I’ll just call him Fred. First Entity: Hey, don’t you oppress me. I have a name – no need in giving me another just to suit your bourgeois needs. Dexter: I’m NOT oppressing you! I just can’t pronounce your name! First Entity: Can’t, eh? Well, that’s probably right. How may tongues have you got? Dexter: One. First Entity: Ah, that’s it then. You can’t pronounce my name without having eight tongues. And it really impresses the girls. Bobby: If you can’t do it with one, how does having seven more help out? First Entity: You’ll have to ask my girlfriend. Alan: (laughs) If you need more than one tongue to impress the girls, you must really be missing something else. First Entity: I’ll tell you what. We’ll ask her. Dexter: Sure, go ahead. First Entity: (sounds of gibbering, mixed with splorching and sloshing sounds) Millie (Melanie Haber): Yes, dear? You called? Bobby: Millie? MILLIE! What are you doing here, you slut? Millie: Well, I was used to something with no visible brain that liked to get under my skirt. Chuck: I thought you were going out with me, Millie. What has he got that I don’t? Millie: It’s not what he’s got, it’s how it’s arranged – and there’s a whole lot more of it! Alan: Enough of this! We have to get to the lab and stop that death ray! [GRAMS: Four whooshing sounds] [GRAMS: Electronic sounds, Theremin, various gurgling noises] Bobby: Man, this lab is spooky. Hmm, what’s this machine here? Dr. Nystagmus: Don’t touch that! [GRAMS: Sound of switch being thrown; piercing, warbling electronic howl; vulpine scream] Dexter: Bobby, what did you do? I feel all tingly. Chuck: Good reason for that, Dexter. Dexter: Oh? Alan: Yeah. All your fur’s sticking out. You look like a greasy apricot-colored porcupine. Dr. Nystagmus: You FOOLS! Out! Out of my lab this instant! Bobby: Stop getting your underwear in a knot, Doc. What could happen? [GRAMS: Loud grinding noise, sound of crash and vulpine screaming] Bobby: Ah. Alan: The death ray machine fell over and broke! Spontoon is saved! [GRAMS: Sound of coal shovel striking vulpine skull] Dexter: OW! Bobby, why’d you hit me? Bobby: I didn’t, Dexter. The shovel just leaped out of my paws and flew at you. Actually you should be happy – this is the first time you’ve had any attraction. Chuck: Well, he *is* magnetized, Bobby. Look! He’s pointing north. Alan: What with? Chuck: We can’t say on air, Alan. Bobby: Wait a minute. If he’s magnetized, shouldn’t he be attracting the microphone? [GRAMS: Sound of marten skull getting dented] Alan: Shut up, Bobby. Don’t spoil the illusion of radio. Bobby: Like we said, Theater of the Mindless. Dexter: I’m getting out of here. It’s back to the living room for me. [GRAMS: Footsteps, sounds of items whooshing through the air, followed by metal clanging and vulpine screaming; sounds continue under the dialogue] Alan: Tell me, Doc – why do you have all those knives and medieval torture implements in your living room? Dr. Nystagmus: Conversation starter. And it helps me keep other people from putting their feet up on my furniture. Chuck: That makes sense. Bobby: Hey, if we run over, what’s on after this program? Alan: The sound of nothing. Bobby: Sounds like our audience. Chuck: Well, the Nihilists Guild will be down on us if we butt into their time. Bobby: Nihilists Guild? What do they talk about? Alan: Nothing. Chuck: What is the sound of one paw clapping? If you don't know, listen into Bobby's room one night. [GRAMS: Sound of lupine head getting hit, swiftly eclipsed by descending slide whistle and explosion] Alan: (yelps) Hey! The Standards Office is getting testy! Dr. Nystagmus: But their bomb destroyed my machine! The lab will explode! Alan: Right! Bobby, grab Dexter off the wall where the knives have stuck him. Chuck, you grab Dr. Runamuk. Come on! [GRAMS: Whooshing noises; sounds of ripping fur and vulpine screaming] Alan: Hey, (gibbering sound), what’s the fastest way out of here before the castle explodes? First Entity: Over there. Alan: You mean that big swirly gap in the fabric of the universe? First Entity: Yup. Chuck: We’re headed in there, Alan? I don’t like the look of it. Bobby: That’s because your eyes cross when you try to look at it, Chuck. Dexter: His eyes cross naturally, Bobby. And did you have to drag me by the shovel? Bobby: Better than dragging you by something else. Dr. Runamuk: We’d better get going. This castle is like your careers. Alan: Not long for this world, eh? Okay, let’s go! [GRAMS: Sound of running feet, Theremin noises, explosion; silence for about five seconds] [GRAMS: “Ding!” sound] Alan: Next stop, Haywood Square! Chuck: I thought it was Ellenwood. [GRAMS: Sound of lupine head being hit; body hitting floor] Bobby: Okay, where the hell are we now? It’s awful dim in here, all this swirling mist and all . . . Dexter: We’ll have to feel our way around. Bobby: Keep your paws to yourself, Dexter. Chuck: This sounds like something those idiots on ‘Rocket Rat’ came up with. Dexter: I don’t have a square jaw. Alan: No, you don’t. Just a square head. You go him one better. [GRAMS: Low rumbling noise] Alan: Now what? Sounds like the world’s biggest stomach. Chuck: Maybe we should give it some Dipso-Seltzer? Dexter: It’s getting closer! Chuck: Wait! There it is! (Dramatic music sting) Alan: It looks like a macaque. Second Entity (following are all noise effects): Poot-fwap? Announcer: (voice under sound, like a subtitle) The Entity asked, “Who are you?” (From this point, the sound effects and the voice under the sound will be similar to the voice translation of a foreign speech) Chuck: What’s he farting for? Is there broccoli around here? Dexter: Let’s hope not. Smells foul enough in here as it is. S.E.: BRRP POOT-FWAP! (The Entity said, “I said, Who are you?”) Dr. Runamuk: Guys, I think he’s trying to communicate with us. Bobby: By farting? Dr. Runamuk: Yes. Bobby: Much as I hate to say this – and I REALLY hate saying this – Chuck, we need you to fart. Chuck: Why? Alan: So you can communicate. You speak the language. Chuck: Oh, okay. Um . . . Boarrp, poot poot phbbbt. (Chuck said, “Hi.”) S.E.: Blat frapp. (The Entity said, “Nice accent there.”) Chuck: Frrrp. (Chuck said, “Thanks.”) Alan: You can understand him? Bobby: How the hell do you know? Chuck: It’s all in the accent. Dexter: That’s the value of a liberal arts education. So much for the Polytechnical College’s reputation. Chuck: Actually, I read the footnotes. Bobby: Don’t you mean the brown notes? S.E.: Fwaaahhp poot prrrpt. (The Entity asked, “Would you like to be King?”) Chuck: Hey guys! He wants me to be King here. Dexter: Well, in the land of the flatulent, the gassy wolf is king. [GRAMS: Sound of vulpine head getting bonked] Chuck: I’m not interested in being King. I’m a good anarcho-syndicalist. Bobby: Yeah! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some lupine berk who’s been eating beans. Chuck: POOT! FRAPPP-FFFT! PHBBBT THWBBBB! (Chuck said, “I must respectfully decline.”) S.E.: Prrrp, poot-phbbt. (The Entity said, “Too bad. We got a great benefits package.”) Chuck: FweeeEEE? (Chuck asked, “Is there a way out of here?”) S.E.: Squeet frrpt frap poit. (The Entity said, “Sure. Your friends are lowering the property values anyway.”) Chuck: Sphbbt-sphblt FweeeEEE. (Chuck said, “Just show us the way out, please, and keep the insults to yourself.”) Dexter: Whatever you’re saying, Chuck, the stink’s curling our fur. Chuck: He’s going to show us the way out of here. Dr. Runamuk: About time! I’m getting a bit hungry. Bobby: You can live off your fat gut, can’t you? [GRAMS: Sound of mustelid head getting dented] Alan: Chuck! Where’s the way out? Chuck: Well, the little guy’s showed me a door. He says it’s the way out of here. Bobby: Where the hell’s he gone? Chuck: To get the key, of course. Dexter: He didn’t have to. I learned how to pick locks. Bobby: No, you learned how to pick your nose, Dexter. Dexter: No, I learned how to pick locks from this guy who was an expert. He busted out of jail after using a piece of a dead guy on the lock. Chuck: Yeah? Dexter: Yeah! In fact, he was heard to say as the cell door opened, “The tooth shall set you free.” (Short pause) [GRAMS: Three ‘bonk!’ sounds; sound of body hitting ground] Alan: Just for that joke we should leave him here. Bobby: We could always set him on fire, Alan. He’s got so much oil in his fur he’d burn for weeks. Alan: I don’t want to sound negative, but no, Bobby. Chuck: We’d better be going, guys. I might fart out an insult at an inopportune moment. Bobby: Knowing how gassy you are, Chuck, that’s a distinct possibility. Let’s go. S.E: Brrraphbplt! Poot-fweet shfflapp! (The Entity said, “Here it is! Get out and stay out!”) Alan: Jump for it! [GRAMS: Odd Theremin noises along with strange atmospheric music and the occasional fart sound; sounds fade out] [GRAMS: Sounds fade in; crowd noises] Alan: Did we make it? Bobby: Did we leave Dexter behind? Chuck: Where are we? Dr. Runamuk: When’s lunch? Dexter: Huh? What? Help! Alan: What, Dexter? Dexter: I'm seeing a whole riot of swirling colors! What am I seeing? Where am I? Bobby: Can you describe it? Dexter: It looks like . . . looks like . . . Good sweet Lord . . . Bobby: What? Dexter: It’s plaid. The sky’s plaid and swirling around, and I can see hills on the horizon. Really big white hills. Alan: Uh-huh. Dexter, you're seeing plaid because Dr. Runamuk landed on you. You're looking up her skirt. Dexter: I am? Dr. Runamuk: EEK! Voice (off-mike): Hey, you idiots! Get off the ice before we skate right over you! Bobby: We’re not budging until you tell us where we are. Although you can run over Dexter if you want. Dexter: (splutters, growling) Voice (off-mike): You’re on the ice. Chuck: So that’s why my tail is freezing. Voice (off-mike): You’re holding up the game! Alan: What game? Voice (off-mike): The Great Wolf Lake regional semifinals, you idiot. Now clear off the ice so we can play! Dexter: Great Wolf Lake! We’re back in Rain Island! Hooray! Bobby: Great! I’m going to get some Cougar Whiskey! Dr. Runamuk: Shouldn’t we send a telegram to Seathl and let the Chief Syndic know we’re back? (short pause) All: Nahhh. Alan: Let’s watch the match. Plenty of time to let that fat guy know where we’ve been. Hockey Referee: Gentlemen? Alan, Bobby, Chuck, Dexter (together): Where? Huh? Who walked in? (Music rises, then fades.) Announcer: At this point in the show, friends, it would be a good time for a last glass of that delicious product of Pinewood Distillery, Cougar Whiskey! [GRAMS: Sounds of people drinking and gulping loudly, followed by belches and hiccups] Announcer: For some reason known only to yourselves, you’ve been listening to the Four Fools in their production of “Drain-ium on the Cranium,” brought to you by the Distiller’s Collective and Pinewood Distillery, makers of Cougar Whiskey. [GRAMS: Three raspberries and a farting noise] Announcer: Alan was played by Alan Bryant, Bobby by Bobby Donaldson, Chuck by Chuck Miner, and Dexter by Dexter Mayhew. Melanie Haber played the Foreign Syndic and Millie, the Chief Syndic was played by David Casman – Chuck: Not very well, admittedly. Announcer: Professor Gonzalez, Dr. Runamuk and Dr. Nystagmus were played by Alvin Bradshaw, Betty Jo Bialowski and Anselmo Pederazy. Bobby: With that many doctors running around we should be pretty healthy. Dexter: Or get a subsidy from the Health Collective. Announcer: The First Entity and Dr. Octer were played by our guest star, ventriloquist Cliff Dreiser – Alan: How do we know he’s a ventriloquist? Announcer: He made dummies out of the four of you, that’s for sure. Our music tonight was presented by the Bradford Glee Quartet, who will be on tour this summer. The show – I guess you can call it that, if you like – was produced by W.D. Reimer, with material written by E.O Costello, M.M. Marmel and J.T. Urie. Chuck: Hack writing in four dimensions. Announcer: And me? Don’t ask. This has been the Rain Island Radiocast Collective, Station ZYPR, wishing all of you out there a very pleasant night. All: GET SOME SLEEP! Second Entity: Phhbbbppt poot-poit! (Music rises, then fades) Transcribed and edited by W.D.Reimer |