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29 August 2011
Warning: Mature Burlesque Humor

Radio-play Transcript 
"The Four Fools" show:
'Mindless Over Matter'
Transcribed & Edited by W.D.Reimer
Produced by: W.D.Reimer,
with material by: E.O.Costello, M.M.Marmel, & J.T.Urie

Transcription Service
Rain Island Radiocast Collective

"Mindless Over Matter”
ZYPR broadcast, Thursday May 27, 1937, 2230 Seathl time
Broadcast rights reserved

[GRAMS:  Sound of approaching truck, diesel engine roaring]

Announcer: Do you hear that coming?  Who could it be?

[GRAMS: Sound of truck heeling over and crashing]

Announcer: Yes, folks!  That’s right – it’s The Four Fools!  Put the kids to bed, lock up your daughters, and leave the liquor out.  Or . . . wait, lock up the kids, put the liquor to bed and leave the daughters out . . . hmmm . . . well, we’ll figure it out I suppose, but in the meantime . . .

[GRAMS:  Sound of metal parts clanging and tinkling in the background; sound fades down]

(Theme:  The Rubbish Tip Buskers play “The Old Comrades March”)

Announcer:  The Seathl Distiller’s and Brewer’s Syndicate (who should know better by now) present “Mindless Over Matter,” a new episode starring the Four Fools.  Sponsored by Pineway Distillery, makers of Cougar Whiskey, and based on characters created by W.D. Reimer and E.O. Costello.  Musical guests for this show will be the Lydia Ellington Trio featuring Howard O’Dell.

(Music fades down, replaced by “Our Land” played under)

Announcer:  Those inebriated idiots, the Four Fools – Alan, Bobby, Chuck and Dexter – having visited a strange and unearthly dimension via the decidedly odd Cranium Island, are back in Seathl to ruin our reputation as a civilized country.  Hey, wait a minute . . .

[GRAMS:  Sniffing sounds]

(Music fades down)

Announcer:  Hey, you guys!

Bobby:  What IS it, you horned nuisance?

Announcer:  Do you smell something?

Alan:  Nothing, other than the fetid rank smell of Dexter's fur.  Don't you ever bathe?

Dexter:  Only on religious holidays.

Bobby:  I thought you were an atheist.

Dexter:  Your point?

Announcer:  Allow me to rephrase myself.  Do you NOT smell something?

Alan:  (sniffs)  Hmm.  Hey!

Dexter:  I don't smell it either!

Bobby:  Chuck?

Announcer:  Suppose he died?

Dexter:  If he did, there goes half our material.

Bobby:  If he’s dead, why wouldn’t he stink?

Allan:  Even dead and rotting he’d smell better.

Announcer:  (sniffs)  If a wolf farts in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it still smell?

Alan:  You bet!  You can see the leaves turning gray and dropping off the trees.

Bobby:  I still say that thing that flattened that forest in Siberia was Chuck.

Dexter:  Tunguska?

ALL:  Gesundheit!

[GRAMS:  Footsteps, approaching]

Alan:  Here he comes.  We’ll soon get to the bottom of this.

Bobby:  Alan, do we REALLY want to get anywhere near Chuck’s bottom?

Dexter:  That might not be necessary, Bobby.

Bobby:  What do you mean, you idiot?

Dexter:  Chuck’s eating . . . he’s eating . . . oh, dear Lord . . .

Alan:  Chuck’s eating BEEF JERKY!

Chuck:  (chewing sounds, swallowing) Hi, guys.

Dexter:  Chuck!  You're eating meat!

Chuck:  Good eye, Dexter.  Here, let me poke it out.

[GRAMS:  “Poink!” sound]

Dexter:  AIYEE!

Chuck:  Yep, you're a keen observer of detail, you are.

Alan:  There's something about you, Chuck - I can't put my finger on it.

Chuck:  Oh yeah you shrimpy badger?  Here, I'll put my finger on it. 

[GRAMS:  “Poink!” sound]

Alan:  Ow!

Dexter:  Y’know, that puzzles me a bit.

Bobby:  What puzzles you, Dexter?

Dexter:  Where does beef jerky come from?

Bobby:  Cows with seizures?

Chuck:  Shut up, Bobby!

[GRAMS:  Shovel striking mustelid noggin]

Bobby:  OW!  Chuck, what the hell are you doing with my shovel?

Chuck:  This.

[GRAMS:  Shovel striking mustelid nut]

Bobby:  OW!  Why are you hitting me?

Chuck:  Because I can, you jerk.

Bobby:  Why, you . . . you’re off script, Chuck.  I’m supposed to be the one hitting you.

Dexter:  Yeah!  You’re the one supposed to have gas and be all morose.

Alan:  And now here we see you all less-ose with the cellulose.

Dexter:  That’s a very bad pun, Alan.

Alan:  Don’t blame me.  Bobby wrote the script this week.

Bobby:  Never mind the script, Alan.  It was pure outhouse reading anyway.  What bothers me is Chuck.

Alan:  That’s nothing special.

Chuck:  Now I get to bother you, you greasy little marten.

Dexter:  Seriously, Chuck, if you’re going to start acting like the rest of us, there goes half our material.

Bobby:  We’ll lose our comic foil.

Dexter:  Comic foil?  That anything like tinfoil?

[GRAMS:  Sound of vulpine head getting shoveled]

Chuck:  Shut up, Dexter!  Now, you three shuffle off to Ottawa.  My girlfriends will be here soon.
Alan, Bobby, Dexter:  Girlfriends!?

Bobby:  Girlfriends, plural?

Alan:  Look here, Chuck my lupine lad, the contract specifically stipulates that I’m the one who has more than one girl per week.

Chuck:  And this shovel in my paws says that the contract’s getting rewritten, Alan.

[GRAMS:  Sound of badger’s head getting bonked]

Chuck:  See?  I can tell it made an impression on you.

Alan:  A shovel-shaped impression.

Chuck:  An impression, nevertheless.  Now – ah!  Here they are!

[GRAMS:  Show business fanfare]

Girls:  (giggling)

Dexter:  Great Tapdancing Succubi!  Three wolfesses!  And not a dog in the bunch!

Bobby:  For once, you’re right Dexter.  Those babes are so hot they must need asbestos corsets.

Girl #1:  Shut up, you greasy marten!

Girl #2:  And you too, you disgusting fox!

(short pause)

Alan:  Hey, why aren’t you saying anything?

Girl #3:  I only have words for my man, Chuck.  Hello, sweetie!

Chuck:  Now now, girls, there’s plenty of Chuck to go around.  Let’s go take in a baseball game, shall we?

Dexter:  Baseball?  The season’s just started.

Girl #1:  The way Chuck plays baseball is special.

Girl #2:  Yeah, he really knows how to swing the bat.

Girl #3:  Yeah and he plays the field well, too.

Bobby:  Well, he’s been known to catch flies – if his mouth’s open.

All Three Girls:  SHUT UP!

[GRAMS:  Sound of three fists striking flesh, badly synchronized]

Bobby:  OWW!

Chuck:  Look, you losers, I’d love to hang around and abuse you some more, but I have a date with these three lucky ladies.

Dexter:  I don’t see what’s so lucky about them.  You’re about as large as a toothpick.

Chuck:  I warned you about sneaking into the bathroom while I’m busy, Dexter.  Take that!

[GRAMS:  Sound of shovel on vulpine snout]

Dexter:  OWW!  By node!

Chuck:  Well, what do you know?  He took it!  Come on, girls, and I’ll give you something to hang your lingerie on.

[GRAMS:  Sound of footsteps receding, girls giggling, kisses, etc.]

Alan:  Dexter, you look pug-nosed. 

Dexter:  Whaddya eggsbegt?

Alan:  Hold still.  I’ll fix it.  Just need a good hard hit to the back of your head, and . . .

[GRAMS:  Sound of fist hitting back of vulpine head]

[GRAMS:  “Boing!” sound with reverb, like ruler being flicked.]

Dexter:  OWW!  Hey!  I think that did the trick, Alan.  Do I look better?

Bobby:  Define ‘better,’ Dex.  I mean, I could set fire to you and you’d look better all scorched.  In fact, I’ll demonstrate.

Alan:  Bobby, stop.  We have bigger problems now.

Dexter:  Yes. 


Dexter:  What are they?

Alan:  With Chuck acting all assertive now, we’ve lost half our material.

Dexter:  I said that already, Alan.  Twice.

Alan:  True, but my delivery’s better.

Bobby:  Oh?  You working for Union Parcel Delivery now?

Alan:  Yeah, and here’s a special delivery.

[GRAMS:  Sound of punch]

Bobby:  Ow!

Alan:  Now, we have to think – and I know how hard that is for you, Dexter – what’s caused this? 

Dexter:  Maybe he got religion?

Bobby:  I hope he took something for that.  It’s catching, you know.

Alan:  You’re safe, both of you – say!  What’s this?

Bobby:  Just some papers.  They fell out of Chuck’s back pocket while he was hitting Dexter.

Alan:  What are they?
Dexter:  Let me see . . . ahh, that explains a lot.
Bobby:  What is it?

Dexter:  A menu from an Italian restaurant in Seathl.

Alan:  Which one?

Bobby:  Never mind that!

Alan:  But I might want lunch later.

Bobby:  What’s on the rest of the papers, Dexter?

Dexter:  Oh yeah . . . hmm.  It’s a booklet – “Improve Yourself Through Hypnosis.”

Alan:  Hmm.

Bobby:  Hmm.

Dexter:  Hmm.

All Three:  (start humming “The Northern Lights Are in Your Eyes” in good harmony; they get to the last measure of the first verse before stopping)

Alan:  Okay, okay!  Stop that! 
Dexter:  Why, Alan?  We might need to start working on a new act.

Bobby:  Lord knows Dexter can use the work.

Alan:  We can work on the new act later, guys.  See what it says here?  “You too can become more assertive, and be a hit with the ladies.”

Dexter:  As opposed to being hit by the ladies.

Bobby:  Shut up, Dexter.  Go on, Alan.

Alan:  Well, it’s the lupine edition – “Keep telling yourself, every day, that you’re an Alpha Wolf.  You’ll start believing it.”

Bobby:  That easy, huh?  Well, I’ve got a cure for that.

Dexter:  What, Bobby?

Bobby:  This.

[GRAMS:  Sound of metal rasping]

Alan:  Bobby?

Bobby:  Yes?

Alan:  Just what do you expect to do with a sword?

Bobby:  What do you think?

Dexter:  Cutting off his head?  That’s one way to fix things, I guess.

Alan:  I don’t want to be negative, but no.  Bobby, you are not to cut Chuck’s head off.

Bobby:  Why not?

Alan:  The censors may not like it.

Bobby:  The censors?  Hah!  What do they know?

[GRAMS:  Twang! sound; whizzing sound of an arrow; ‘thwock’ sound of arrow striking wood]

Dexter:  Gad, their aim’s improving.  And there’s a note tied to the arrow!

Bobby:  What’s it say, Dexter?

Dexter:  It reads, “We know Millie’s got another new show, Bobby.”

Bobby:  AAARGH!

Alan:  Shows what the censors know.  The censors know shows.

Dexter:  And it shows.

Bobby:  Dexter?

Dexter:  Yes, Bobby?

[GRAMS:  Heavy, sodden impact; ascending slide whistle, followed by bell sound]

Dexter:  (high-pitched scream)

Alan:  You’re in very good voice today, Dexter.  Bobby, stop kicking Dexter in the crotch for a moment.

Bobby:  Why?

Alan:  Exactly.  Stop clowning around.  We have to think of a way to change Chuck back.

Bobby:  Um, I was thinking about that, Alan.

Alan:  And?

Bobby:  Do we really want to change him back?

Dexter:  (high-pitched, then modulating back to normal)  Of course we do, Bobby!  We want Chuck back the way he was – vegetarian, moody, depressed, enough gas to inflate a Zeppelin . . . er, enough gas to suffocate half of Seathl . . . hang on a minute!  Bobby!

Bobby:  Yeah?

[GRAMS:  Sound of mustelid bonce getting hit]

Bobby:  Ow!

Dexter:  We don’t want him to change back, Alan.

Alan:  Okay.  What we need to do is find a way, any way, we can turn Chuck’s change in personality to our advantage.

Dexter:  How the hell are we supposed to do that?

Bobby:  Never mind that for now – here he comes back!

Dexter:  Phew!  Now that I have a basis for comparison, I can say something.

Alan:  What, Dexter?

Dexter:  That Chuck’s wolf musk smells worse than his flatulence.
Bobby:  He’s making my fur go all flat!

Chuck:  Matches your skull, Bobby. 

Dexter:  I have to ask, Chuck –

Chuck:  Let me get the shovel.

Dexter:  Are you breaking up the act?

Chuck:  Hmm.  That’s actually a good question, Dexter, so I won’t flatten your skull.  I have other interests now –

Bobby:  And they’re really stacked, too!

Chuck:  - So I might take time off and sow some wild oats.

Alan:  Never took you for a farmer, Chuck.

Chuck:  You should have seen me plowing earlier, Alan.

Alan:  (off-mike) Yeah, it makes me wish I had amnesia.  (louder)  So what are we going to do?

Chuck:  I heard there’s a new vaudeville act out there.  One guy’s a deer who sings, and the other is a duck who tells jokes.

Bobby:  You mean - ?

Chuck:  Yeah.  ‘Buck and Wing.’

Dexter:  Those two?  They stink!

Chuck:  Then you’ll fit right in, Dexter.  Hey, girls!  Over here!

Girls:  (giggling, getting closer)

Chuck:  You all set to go with me to the cabin?

Girls:  (in unison)  Yeah!

Alan:  What cabin’s that, Chuck?

Chuck:  I reserved a cabin for me and my girls over at Woodlands, Alan.

Bobby:  Woodlands!  That’s the best resort in Rain Island! 

Chuck:  Thanks for reminding the audience about the high quality and rustic flavor of Woodlands Resort.  Hi guys!  Remember folks, Woodlands has great summer discounts!

Dexter:  But you don’t know the first thing about camping!  You’re completely useless in the woods!

Chuck:  I do know one thing about camping, Dexter.

Dexter:  What’s that?

Chuck:  Not to take you with me. 

Girl #2:  Are you going to show us, Chuck?

Chuck:  Sure!

Bobby:  Show them what?

Girl #3:  The lair of the legendary One-Eyed Viper.

[GRAMS:  Sniggering]

Chuck:  Who did that?

Alan:  Probably the announcer.  He’s got his mind in the gutter.

Chuck:  He’d better get out, then, before he blocks your snorkel.  Come on, ladies!

[GRAMS:  Footsteps, receding]

Dexter:  There he goes.

Bobby:  With three beautiful wolfesses.

Dexter:  And what’s worse, the rent’s due at the end of the month.

Bobby:  Oh, I’ve got that.

Dexter:  Where?

Bobby:  In my trousers.

Dexter:  So you’re saying you have a rent in your trousers?

[GRAMS:  Sound of vulpine head being struck; sound of body hitting floor]

[GRAMS:  Sound of extremely loud, sour and prolonged fart; drags on for twenty seconds, followed by a staccato of similar noises]

Bobby:  Good Lord!

Alan:  Great Tapdancing Succubi!  Did you do that, Chuck?

Chuck:  No, Alan.  Not me.  Ever since I went back to steak –

Dexter:  (woozily) Well, whoever did it’s probably missing all their fur.

Girl #2:  (off-mike, giggling) Sorry . . .

Alan:  She did it!?  Lads, there’s only one thing we can do.

Bobby, Dexter, Chuck:  Yeah.

[GRAMS:  Prolonged applause, cheers]

Girl #2:  (giggles)

Dexter:  “There once was a gent from Sparta
Who was such an incredible farta
On the strength of one bean
He did ‘God Save the Queen,’
‘Bolero,’ and ‘Moonlight Sonater.’"

Chuck:  Dexter?

Dexter:  Yeah, Chuck?

[GRAMS:  Sound of vulpine head being struck; sound of body hitting floor, again]

Chuck:  Come on, girls, before he wakes up.

Bobby:  Off he goes again.

Alan:  Ah, blessed quiet.  I’m glad they’re gone; I need to think this over.  What I really need is –

Bobby:  A bath?

Alan:  No, some Cougar Whiskey.

Dexter:  That’s a great idea, Alan.  I’ll have two.  Hey, Announcer?

Announcer:  Yes, Dexter?

Dexter:  Is it whiskey time yet?

Announcer:  Stop whining, Dexter.  Yes, folks, it’s time for the Fools – well, at least three of them – to take a break and savor that great product of the Pinewood Distillery, Cougar Whiskey!  Cougar is aged in oak barrels for that fine, smooth taste.

Bobby:  Yeah, it’s as smooth as sandpaper on your –

Alan:  Quiet, Bobby!  The censors!

Announcer:  Yes, Bobby, be quiet and enjoy your drink, as we here at ZYPR are proud to present the latest jazz sensation from Carlin, the Lydia Ellington Trio featuring trumpet soloist Howard O’Dell.

Dexter:  What are they playing?

Bobby:  And what’s the point spread?

Announcer:  They’ll be performing one of Lydia’s own works, "Spring Impromptu."

Alan:  Wonderful!

Dexter:  Excellent!

Bobby:  What’s an impromptu?

Dexter:  One better than an impromp-one, I guess.

(Music:  Spring Impromptu)

(Pause for applause)

Announcer:  That was "Spring Impromptu," performed by the Lydia Ellington Trio and featuring jazz trumpet soloist Howard O’Dell.  Weren’t they great, folks?

Alan:  Yeah, they were pretty good.

Dexter:  Weren’t bad.

Bobby:  I think they stunk like yesterday’s breakfast.

Alan:  What was yesterday’s breakfast?

Bobby:  Lutefisk.

Alan:  Well, enough of that – I’ve had an idea.

Dexter:  Do you need any bandages?

Alan:  What for?

Dexter:  Well, you must have hurt yourself – an idea would split your skull.

Alan:  You know what would split your skull, Dexter?

Dexter:  What?

Alan:  Bobby?

Bobby:  This.

[GRAMS:  Sound of shovel striking vulpine bonce]

Dexter:  OWW!

Alan:  Good swing, Bobby, but you didn’t do the follow-through very well.

Bobby:  I’m out of practice, Alan.

Alan:  Well, stay out of practice a while longer, my marten friend, while I tell you two my idea.

Dexter:  Okay, okay!  We’re listening.

(off-mike whispers)

Alan:  There!  What do you think?

[GRAMS:  Sound of a badger’s head getting struck]

Dexter:  That’s the stupidest idea I’ve heard since the Governing Syndicate decided it’d be a great idea to hold sessions up in Great Wolf Lake!

Bobby:  What was so bad about that?

Dexter:  All their hot air melted the ice rinks – no hockey up there!

Bobby:  No hockey, huh?  So what did they do up there all winter?

Dexter:  I’ll tell you –

[GRAMS:  Sound of arrow whizzing through the air and striking with a “thwock!” sound]

Dexter:  Um, never mind.  Their aim’s getting better.

[GRAMS:  Footsteps, getting nearer]

Bobby:  Here comes Chuck and the girls – well, two of them, at least.

Chuck:  Hey there, you losers!  We decided to stop by before having some dinner.

Alan:  So, uh, Chuck!  Having fun with the girls, are you?

Chuck:  Jealous, Alan?  One of the girls is a musician!

Dexter:  What's she play?

Chuck:  Skin flute.

Girl #2:  (giggles)

Alan:  Chuck!  The censors!

Chuck:  No problem.  They're all afraid of me now.  Let them get their own girls. 

Dexter:  For definition of "girl . . . "

Bobby:  Read 'school-marm.'

Dexter:  Where’s the third girl, Chuck?  Did she get loose?

Bobby:  Or was she a loose screw?

[GRAMS:  Sound of a marten’s skull getting dented]

Chuck:  I had to send her home.  She was a guy, after all.

Alan:  Pity.  He was prettier than Bobby’s girlfriend.
Bobby:  Alan!  You swine!  I warned you not to mention her name?

Chuck:  Who, Millie?

Bobby:  Arrgh!

Alan:  Well, never mind him for the moment, Chuck.  I have to tell you, I’m impressed with your new, more assertive personality.

Chuck:  Thanks, Alan.

Alan:  In fact, you need to prove yourself to the rest of the country that you’re an Alpha Wolf.  Right, Dexter?

Dexter:  Huh?  Oh, sure, sure!  I mean, look at you, Chuck – you eat meat, you’re not stinking up the place –

Bobby:  Yeah, you’re not stripping the wallpaper off the walls –

Dexter:  And you got yourself actual girlfriends!

Bobby:  Now you don’t have to rely on pine knotholes.

[GRAMS:  Sound of shovel striking marten head]

Alan:  Thanks for the use of the shovel, Dexter. 

Chuck:  Okay, Stripe-nose, what do you have in mind?

Alan:  Look, you want to prove to everyone in Rain Island what a manly wolf you are, right?

Chuck:  Sure!

Alan:  Well, here’s your opportunity!

Dexter:  And you should always pay attention when opportunity knocks.

Bobby:  Do you know what knocks harder than opportunity, Dexter?

Dexter:  No, what?

Bobby:  This.

[GRAMS:  Sound of shovel striking vulpine skull]

Dexter:  OWW!!

Announcer:  For the benefit of our listeners, we would like to note that Bobby’s last use of the shovel set a ZYPR record.  Just thought you’d want to know.

Chuck:  All right, all right.  What’s the plan, Alan?

Alan:  Chuck, there’s a wrestling match at the Arena tonight.

Chuck:  Go on.

Alan:  Tsunami Sally McGee is taking on all comers.

Chuck:  Uh huh?

Alan:  And the winner wins five hundred dollars!

Chuck:  What's second prize?

Bobby:  A weekend with Tsunami Sally.

Dexter:  Third prize is a whole week with her.

Alan:  Just think of it!  You beat her, and everyone in Seathl will know your name!

Dexter:  You’ll be as famous as Sidney Appelbaum!

Bobby:  Who the hell is that, Dexter?

Dexter:  Beats me.

Bobby:  Great idea!

[GRAMS:  Sound of fists pummeling, Dexter screaming]

Chuck:  Sounds like a good idea, Alan.  C’mon, girls!  Oh, and you too, Dexter.  Let’s head down to Seathl!

Girls:  (giggling)

(musical bridge – Rubbish Tip Buskers play “Sambre et Meuse”)

[GRAMS:  Crowd noises]

[GRAMS:  Bell rings]

Bobby:  Sure are a lot of people here tonight. 

Dexter:  I wonder how many of them are Millie’s boyfriends.

Alan:  Probably all of them.

Bobby:  Arrgh!

[GRAMS:  Bell rings again, crowd noises quiet down but remain under]

Ring Announcer (Anselmo Pederazy):  Citizens, ladies and gentlemen!  Tonight, for a five hundred dollar prize, the Bombshell of Barnwell, the –

Dexter:  The zeppelin from ZYPR.

Ring Announcer:  - the one, the only . . . Tsunami Sally McGee!

[GRAMS:  Crowd noises rise; cheers and applause; heavy, ponderous footsteps]

Bobby:  Good Lord, will you look at that!

Alan:  I did, Bobby.  Now I’m trying to forget it.

Dexter:  THAT’S Tsunami Sally?

Bobby:  Yeah!  She’s part moose, you know.

Alan:  What’s the other part? 

Bobby:  Musk ox.

Alan:  That explains her oversized tits.  She’d definitely make waves.

Dexter:  Watch it, Alan.  She might give you a toss.

Alan:  Then I’d give her a tumble.

Bobby:  If you do, it’s a good thing badgers are pretty flat to start with.  You’d end up looking like you just went through a steam press, Alan.

Alan:  No tickee, no pressee, Bobby.

Ring Announcer:  Tonight, for the five hundred dollar prize, Tsunami Sally, that beautiful yet dangerous femme fatale, shall take on all comers! 

Chuck:  What’s that?  All comers?  I might send the girls in.

Alan:  Don’t you mean goers, Chuck?

Chuck:  I know what I said, Alan.

Dexter:  Some of the guys who want to fight her really look stupid.  Look, there’s one in a pirate costume.

Bobby:  Since when did the Naval Syndicate allow wrestling?

[GRAMS:  Crickets]

Alan:  Bad joke, Bobby.  Besides, the Syndicate allows wrestling – just wait till the lights go out aboard ship.

Dexter:  What type of wrestling, Alan?  Free-style or Greco-Roman?

Chuck:  Only you would be interested in Greek-style wrestling, Dexter.

Dexter:  (splutters)

Ring Announcer:  Sally’s first victim, er, challenger, is Chuck!  Give him a round of applause!

[GRAMS:  Raspberries]

Ring Announcer:  Okay, okay, settle down.  That’ll have to do for applause, I guess.  Chuck, you know the rules?

Chuck:  Did you think I wouldn’t know them?

Ring Announcer:  Would you like me to repeat them?

Chuck:  Would you like me to punch you in the nose?

Ring Announcer:  Would you like to stop the questions gag?

Chuck:  Wouldn’t you?

Ring Announcer:  I think we’ll call it a draw at that point.  The audience wants to see a fight, not listen to witty banter. 

Chuck:  If they wanted to listen to witty banter, they’ve come to the wrong place.

Ring Announcer:  Sally?

Tsunami Sally (Betty Jo Bialowski):  Be right there, Boss.  Hit me, guys!

[GRAMS:  Splashing sounds]

Alan:  That’s certainly novel – her seconds doused her with water.

Dexter:  Her shirt’s sticking to her – oooh!  Breasts!

Bobby:  Are you sure they’re breasts, Dexter?  They look like artillery shells.

Dexter:  Twelve inchers?

Bobby:  Got a measuring tape?

Alan:  That’s just her nipples, Bobby.  Stop drooling and let’s watch the fight.

Ring Announcer:  Okay, when the bell rings, start fighting.

Chuck:  She’s bigger than me!  Don’t I get a chair and a whip?

Ring Announcer:  No, and keep your hobbies out of this.  You two fight nice, now – I’ll be over there having a sandwich and some Cougar Whiskey.

Dexter:  Hey!  Don’t we get any?

Ring Announcer:  Sure.  It’ll cost you, though.

[GRAMS:  Bell rings; crowd noises come up slightly]

Chuck:  I promise not to hurt you, Sally.

Sally:  That’s “Ma’am” to you, you scrawny wolf.  I’ll break you in half like my Pa’s shotgun.

Chuck:  Hah!  I’ll take you over my knee and spank you, you naughty girl.

Girl #1:  He’ll do it, too!  (giggles)

Girl #2:  He’s good at it!  (giggles)

Dexter:  These girls are giggling entirely too much. 

Bobby:  I think they got into the Cougar Whiskey – look!  Chuck’s grabbed her!

Chuck:  (grunts)

[GRAMS:  Heavy impact, coupled with artillery sounds]

[GRAMS:  Crowd noises rise; cheers]

Alan:  He threw her!

Bobby:  Not very far, Alan.

Dexter:  Didn’t have to throw her very far, Bobby, just off her feet.

Sally:  I’ll get you for that.

Chuck:  Come on then!

Sally:  (roars)

Chuck:  (snarls)

[GRAMS:  Sound of punch]

Chuck:  (howls)

Dexter:  That had to hurt.

Bobby:  As much as this?

[GRAMS:  Sound of vulpine skull getting dented]

Dexter:  OWW!!  Hmm.  No, not as much, Bobby.

Bobby:  Oh, okay.  Just checking.

Chuck:  Good move, Sally.  Now, try this.

[GRAMS:  Ascending slide whistle, crowd noises go up, cheers]

Dexter:  What was that move?  I didn’t see it.

Alan:  I wish I couldn’t see it.

Bobby:  Very hard on the eyes.

[GRAMS:  Bell rings]

Alan:  That’s the end of round one.  Bobby?

Bobby:  Yes, Alan?

Alan:  Stop banging Dexter’s head into the bell, please.

Dexter:  (groans)  Why does the bell hurt worse than the shovel?

Bobby:  Why not?

Dexter:  Good a reason as any.

Chuck:  She’s heavy!  Come over here, girls, and fan me.  You know, guys, I could win this thing.

Bobby:  You’re doing great, Chuck.

Dexter:  Yeah.  Real Alpha Wolf material.

Chuck:  Don’t be kissing my arse, Dexter.  Save that for the sailors.

Dexter:  (splutters)

Bobby:  You do that a lot, Dexter.  Must have had practice.

Dexter:  Bobby, I swear –

Alan:  Not here, Dexter.  Children are present.

Dexter:  Where?

Alan:  I just saw the ZYPR Syndic walk into the studio.

Bobby:  He’s short enough to pass as a kid, even for a full-grown goat.  They call him the Capricious Caprine in the Artist’s Syndicate.

Dexter:  Why?

Bobby:  He changes the program schedule around for no reason.

Alan:  Is that why you were crying a lot two days ago, Bobby?

Bobby:  I was not crying!

Chuck:  “Amateur Hour” was moved to Fridays.

Bobby:  (sobs)  Millie, you bitch . . .

[GRAMS:  Bell rings; crowd noises rise]

Alan:  There’s the bell!  Get back in there, Chuck!

Chuck:  Right.  Where are you, little girl?

Sally:  Little?  The only little about me is my –

Dexter:  We don’t want to know that!

Bobby:  Sally’s seconds are getting another bucket of water ready.

Alan:  Why are they called seconds, Bobby?

Bobby:  They get to go after her boyfriend.

[GRAMS:  Splash!]

Dexter:  The seconds missed!  They hit Chuck with the bucket of water!

Chuck:  (splutters)  Huh?  What?  Where am I?  What’s going on?

Bobby:  Uh oh.  That dousing seems to have snapped Chuck out of his hypnosis.

Alan:  Chuck!

Chuck:  What?

Alan:  You’re wrestling Tsunami Sally McGee!

Chuck:  I am?  AIYEE!  Holy crap!

[GRAMS:  Rapid running footsteps, crowd starts booing]

(Chase music)

Sally:  Come here, you stupid wolf!

Chuck:  Help! 

Dexter:  You can take her, Chuck!

Bobby:  Grab her, Chuck! 

Chuck:  WHERE?! 

Alan:  Hell, anywhere!  If you don't you'll –

Chuck:  AIYEE!

Alan:  -Get tossed.

Dexter:  Good thing he stuck the landing.

Bobby:  One point landing.

Alan:  Said point being the top of his head.  Uh oh!  Sally’s grabbed Chuck!

Sally:  (growls)  I'm going to treat you to a Chillikoot Chiller.

Alan:  What the hell's that, Dexter?

Bobby:  Well, just watch ...

Chuck:  AIYEE!

[GRAMS:  Wrestling around on canvas; crowd noises with scattered applause, cheers and boos]

Alan:  That is, evidently, a new definition of the word ‘treat.’  Probably from Krafft-Ebbing.

Dexter:  Interesting.  Especially how she put her left paw in –
Alan:  Shut up, Dexter.  The censors are listening.

Dexter:  More fool them.  They should be watching.  They might learn something.

Alan:  Some things, furs were not meant to know.

Bobby:  True, Alan.  I've seen your laundry hamper.  When I consider what tiny civilizations are evolving in there, words fail me and I'm filled with a nameless dread.

Dexter:  Sally’s got that, too.  And that's just in her cleavage!

Bobby:  I hear that there's a rival civilization near her tailfur that wants to declare war.

Alan:  It'll be a long march to get there.

Dexter:  So that's why I hear tinny trumpet music coming out of her...

Bobby:  No, that's just her arse.

[GRAMS:  Heavy impact, as a huge weight falling on the canvas; crowd cheers]

Alan:  She’s flattened him!

Dexter:  She’s so big he’s completely obscured!

Bobby:  Big improvement, if you ask me.

Ring Announcer:  Sally’s pinned the challenger!  Here’s the count:  One . . . two . . .

Dexter:  Chuck!  If you can hear me, do something, you idiot!

Ring Announcer:  Four . . . five . . . six . . .

Alan:  Wait for it . . .

Ring Announcer:  Eight . . . nine . . .

[GRAMS:  Deep, rising gurgling and rumbling noise; loud, sour fart; crowd starts screaming and coughing]

Alan:  I suppose that’s one way to do it.

Sally:  Peeeee-YEW!  You stink!  What the hell did you eat, anyway?

Bobby:  Beef jerky.

Sally:  Doesn’t that come from cows that have seizures?

Dexter:  We did that joke already.

Sally:  Shut up, you silly fox!  Come here!

Dexter:  (screams)

Sally:  I’m going to teach you The Great Wolf Lake Grapple.

Dexter:  (screams)

[GRAMS:  Crowd cheering]

[GRAMS:  Ponderous footsteps receding, Dexter screaming; crowd cheering]

Chuck:  (groans) 

Alan:  Well, he lost the five hundred dollar prize.

Bobby:  I’ll get my shovel.

ZYPR Syndic (Alvin Bradshaw):  Not so fast there!

Bobby:  Okay.  (talks very slowly)  I’ll.  Get.  My.  Shovel.

Syndic:  Shut up!  Or –

Bobby:  Or what?

Syndic:  I’ll give Millie a raise.

Bobby:  Arrgh!!

Alan:  Well, well, the ZYPR station Syndic.  What are you doing here, you goaty old goat, you?

Syndic:  Just stopped by to congratulate you all.

Bobby:  What for, you horned nancy?

Syndic:  Well, you greasy little marten, I’ll have you know that Chuck came up to the office to see me a bit earlier.

Alan:  When he was hypnotized into thinking he was an Alpha Wolf?

Chuck:  I was?

(ominous musical sting)

Syndic:  And he and I got to talking over some fine, mellow Cougar Whiskey.

Chuck:  Nice way to work in the sponsor.

Alan:  So what happened?  And what was with the ominous music?

Syndic:  To make a long story short –

Bobby:  Too late.

Syndic:  Chuck signed a contract –

Alan:  Uh oh.

Syndic:  That commits you all to another eight shows.

(ominous musical sting)

Bobby:  Chuck!

Chuck:  Yeah, Bobby?


Ring Announcer:  Gentlemen?

All Four:  What?  Huh?  Who walked in?

(Music rises, then fades.)

Announcer:  Oh, happy day.  Another eight shows for our heroes.  (pause)  Can I shoot myself, please?

Bobby:  I’ll volunteer to do that.

Announcer:  Quiet, Bobby.  I need a long, tall glass of that smooth and refreshing beverage called –

Dexter:  (screams, off-mike)

Announcer:  - known as Cougar Whiskey, another quality product of the good people at Pinewood Distillery!

Chuck:  Anyone got any broccoli?

Alan:  (sighs)  Where’s my gas mask?

Announcer:  Ahem.  I have no idea why you made it this far, but for those of you who are still with us you’ve been listening to the Four Fools in their production of “Mindless Over Matter,” brought to you by the Distiller’s Collective and the Pinewood Distillery, makers of Cougar Whiskey. 

[GRAMS:  Three raspberries and a farting noise]

Announcer:  Alan was played by Alan Bryant, Bobby by Bobby Donaldson, Chuck by Chuck Miner, and Dexter by Dexter Mayhew.  Betty Jo Bialowski played Tsunami Sally McGee –

Chuck:  And is she ever a big girl!  Who makes her clothes?

Dexter:  I think the same guy who runs up circus tents.

Announcer:  Melanie Haber and Amy Mitchell played The Girls.

Dexter:  What was the final score?

Bobby:  The Girls won by a nose.

Chuck:  Where was the nose?

Alan:  Up her –

[GRAMS:  Sound of badger head getting another dent]

Announcer:  The Ring Announcer was Anselmo Pederazy, and the ZYPR Syndic was played –

Chuck:  - and not very well, either –

[GRAMS:  Sound of lupine head being bonked]

Announcer:  - by Alvin Bradshaw.  Music was presented here by the Lydia Ellington Trio with trumpet soloist Howard O’Dell.

Bobby:  I’d like to jazz her up.

Announcer:  This performance – you really can’t dignify it with the word show - was produced by W.D. Reimer –

Dexter:  - who really should just stop –

Announcer:  - with material written by E.O Costello, M.M. Marmel and J.T. Urie.  And don’t bother asking me who I am; I’m writing my letter of resignation.  Honestly, another eight episodes of this?  I’ll go mad, I will . . . Anyway, this has been the Rain Island Radiocast Collective, Station ZYPR, wishing all of you out there a very pleasant night.

(Music rises, then fades)

Transcribed and edited by W.D.Reimer

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